[littleowl2006]

Hi hello,
I need to talk about something that I haven't been able to articulate while I was "in" it. It seems like it isn't something any of my friends experience, and I don't want to share it with them anymore because their reactions sometimes make me so ashamed of it. (Not their fault, more like my sensitivity to the problem)
So: Whenever I am struggling or in pain I know that I should do something to feel better, but I have this sharp, strangling feeling that holds me back precisely in these moments of weakness. It is like a whip in my head and a bear trap around my heart and a stomachache and it hurts. It tells me that I am not worth it, that I deserve to feel bad. Sometimes I can overcome it after a day or two and take that walk, clean the kitchen, go to the grocery store, but it takes me a huge amount of energy to do so and feel better afterwards. I am beating myself up for feeling bad then, on top of the negative emotions that were there in the first place. I get into a circle of thoughts where often I end up feeling completely worthless and blocked and wishing to not be me, because obviously I am horrible and unlovable. I know I should reach out, go out, do something, but my brain tells me that it is no use and that the feelings will be back at some point anyhow and there's no running from them. A friend got mad at me for this, because she thinks that I don't want to take her advice and am afraid of changes and just don't want any help. But that isn't true, I do so much to do everything "right", I talk to people and still I am in pain and struggling from things in the past. I am pretty disciplined, I went through therapy, I connect with people easily, I do yoga, go to work, study, eat well most fo the time - still life is overwhelming and sometimes I just sit in my apartment and don't dare to show my face to the world. Still I suffer, and even thought I know that I am just one tiny human on a big planet with many many humans whose problems are worse than mine - I still suffer and hate myself for it. I am ashamed of being like that, I feel that reproach of being self-centered, I am afraid of being a bad person and hurting others and I am so afraid of being lonely. In the latest episode of my favourite podcast the host said something along the lines of "During the times when we suffer and need love and contact the most, it is hardest to go out and find those things" and this is so true for me. I feel like sending out this negative energy, of looking bad, not having the energy to do my hair and makeup keeps others away. This realization adds to the guilt and shame even more.
I would love to collect some insights to this and of course I want advice! I just haven't found the right way for me just yet.
First of all, does anybody here have that feeling? What do you think could help to get out of this conflict?

Love and hugs to you all,
Owl

[pegasus]

This is what depression is. It tells you these awful things and really it is not your fault. Friends often don't understand or they just don't know what to say. Check with your mental health team if there is an adjustment needed in medication and talk with your therapist. Use your coping strategies, it sounds to me like you are really trying. It's not you, it's the depression talking.

[kathryn369]

I really relate to the feelings you describe.

Even with treatment, I still experience severe depressions. Like you, I try to do everything "right," but I get sick anyway. So I have a long list of coping tools. Even when I feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts, there's always something on the list that I'm capable of doing. I feel better (and better about myself) after taking an action, however small--and that builds momentum for taking the next action.

I've also found that being around other people, even if it's just in a public space, reduces the negative thoughts. Sometimes it takes all I've got to leave my apartment, but it's always worthwhile.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you find strategies that work for you.

[Fuzzybear]

[littleowl2006]

Thank you so much for your responses. Currently I don't have a therapist, therapy ended in december and I am still waiting to hear back from an organisation about a self-help group (ironic, isn't it ). Pretty isolated here and since I was doing well for some time I don't know who to talk to anymore when I am feeling down. My friends seem like "not that again", so I don't tell them, start feeling isolated and end up in said circle. I might have to look for another therapist, but that can take months and it might get complicated with my health insurance (I'm not going to complain about european health insurance to people from the US, but its a concern). I scheduled a meeting with the psych service at my university and hopefully get some support there in case I struggle again. I felt so stupid about it all, thank you for saying it is not my fault.
Yesterday I took a day off from work, cleaned my floor (which made me feel so much better?!) and went to volunteer at a local language course for refugees in the evening. Everyone who was learning and teaching there was so nice and committed it was pure joy to be with them.
On bad days I seem to be forgetting that ups and downs in life are normal and that everything passes. (I made a sticky note and put it on my bathroom wall to remind me)
Hugs to you all! I hope you have a day that has more of the good than the bad <3