[neverendingtears]

Hello,
I don't know where to start nor how to end. I am falling apart and I question every second of life.

My tears are never ending. I am from small insignificant country Croatia. I feel even worse. I can barely write even. Which diagnosis I don't have is real question. I am disabled person getting only 180$ per month, only after each of parents death I get gradually more income. It's survivors pension of some 1000$ which I would inherit. Forbid from work and if I try my disability would get revoked and I would lose all rights. Never getting them back. I could work part time, but that doesn't exist. Freelance I hoped for, but I was simply ran over by competition. Now I can hope to start life only after death of parents. But my condition is falling down so much. I am 28 years old, lonely male. My father is in jail, because it being political trial. Whole family suffers and my father is torturing us from prison. I have brother and am mostly only with mother which is burdening me heavily with her own weight of stress. She is seeing one man which I helped her found on dating site. He is also helping us financially.

I have paranoid schizophrenia, but only and sadly I have negative symptoms of it. I am completely asocial. On top of that is severe anxiety with severe depression which is simply pushing me to desperate measures. Since April I can't get normal sleep. I don't sleep for 24 hours up to 72 hours. This being second time of not being able to sleep for 72 hours. I lost track of days. I am lonely in my room. Zero contact. I had an argue with my brother, few furious ones and we aren't close as we used to be long ago. Father is in prison torturing all of us so we can't sell our properties and live life. We are stuck in bills and debts. Mother is horrible dark negativity all channeled to me. But not ever to her lover. Which is in same house where I am. I never thought I would end up being so alone. I lost interest in basically everything long ago and I can't even remember last time I was really happy.

Only light I have is my long distance girlfriend from Philippines. She is only light I have or my life would be completely dark. Every time I think of her my tears are running down wild. Even now, while writing. Since I know, my promise of marrying her or even bringing her here for 3 months next year won't happen. When I break promises I feel like piece of me is dying. I am so emotionless, only thing I feel is this cold bitter sadness. Tears can't stop falling. I can't weep, because my mother sleeps. It's just silent tears. But when video calling her on very low video quality or even just talking by voice over skype, I burst in tears. I said so many times that she should find someone better and I cannot offer her happiness. I love her, but my heart is frozen as temperature. I have no heating and am often left for a week alone in desolate place. Other house we have. I don't know what is worse, being completely alone in range of 2 km or tolerating my mother (and her lover sometimes). It hurts me on emotional level and she often says very selfishly to me and my brother: "You will start life when we die, like I did." I understand principles of life. It's animalistic survive and share. I fell like animal. But then I google if animals can feel love and I burst in tears when I read that they have some primitive form of expressing romantic love. Then I question myself: "How animals can love more than we humans can?" Filipinas were many times discussed and for over 2 years with my psychiatrists as they know what they provide me. Care, company, love, hope, someone replacing my mother when she dies (and her health condition is getting very serious, and people in dying phase are very hard to live with as I experienced from my grandmother when she was dying for 4 years in our house. I simply shudder on thought of passing through mothers dying phase) as she is in 70es and all her pain and misery tops mine which I already have plenty. I helped her with finding love and dating sites since I simply wanted to make her happy. Which I did succeeded. But instead of making me proud doing it, I don't know if I should regret it. I think nobody should die unloved. No matter how evil or mean they are. I felt love in real life just few times. I even had many dates, which sadly ended mostly because of I "stink on desperation". Never anything I would classify as relationship. Couple of kisses, enough to feel power of love, but that is all. I never wanted to have just one night affair even when it was being offered to me so clearly. It's against my morals, too shallow and I am too shy anyway. This filipina is all I got now. I can wait... wait... many cold winters and hot summers... Alone, crying with her. Wondering why is she with me still? If she leaves me I wouldn't have any strength to seek another relationship and it would hurt me so much I would completely fall apart and do suicide which I want even now (I know perfectly peaceful options which are available to me), but she is holding my arm so I don't fall into abyss. She doesn't let go. 3 years younger than me. It's too painful to keep her waiting for so long and I simply want to let go. Filipinas are one of most friendliest women and really such commitment I never seen. Every time I tell her I am grateful for every second she gives to me and keeps me alive for another day she shusssshes me and comforts me. In a way, treats me like her baby. Which is kind of weird to me. When I cry she if humming and calming me. Her voice soothes me, at least while we are talking. She sometimes tries to cheer me up by flirting, but I simply refuse any kind of her showing me her body. I just tell her: "I don't want to be just another western guy." Really, I don't. I am saving my virginity for right one. But it's not all sexual, since I don't keep it in my mind so much in these times. It's her love and support she gives to me. I feel completely weak crying to her. Still, I can't touch her... My arms are frozen. I have horrible tremors when she talks to me and when she touches sexuality it gets worse. In any way, my days and nights are cold, sleepless, lonely, full of endless tears, misery, silence and tremors. I refuse to socialize in Croatian society. I have horrible traumas from romantic and friend partners I had. My childhood best friend did suicide, my latest one died from cancer. My grandmother died. My bands died. My games died. My hobbies... All that I loved 3 years ago... All died. Simply nothing can ever replace them. Death, loss is all I get. Now imprisoned by myself in 6sqm room. I am incapable of doing anything. Simply so sad I can't eat. I really can't call it meal what and if I eat every day. I am starving myself, but nothing stops my tears. My doctors abandoned hope in filling me with medicine for sleep or depression (we tried basically everything, last thing I think about is mirzatepine and kviteapine combo. I don't fear of getting fat, since I am starving anyway. But maybe it would put me to sleep? I am everlasting medicine abuser. Mixing Xanax, Diazepam and promazine as I wish in amounts I wish. It stopped working, I stopped taking it. Since only thing that would get me to sleep would be non lethal overdose), not mentioning negative signs of schizophrenia have no successful treatment. I don't feel bad being asocial, but I need to give my heart to someone. I am telling my girlfriend my heart is so weak and small it can only be for her. I told her that even if she uses me and marries me for entry to EU I wouldn't take it to heart. I said it would make me happy if she is happy. It would destroy me to point of suicide. Now that I have her I am like religiously bound to her, my made up religion. I simply refuse to even try to message other women. Tonight I was writing some messages, but felt horribly guilty and deleted them when I finished. All my suffering she seen, and my tears and my despair and she is still here. Nobody would do that to me. I gave her my word, my heart and my life.

I am destroying my health and I am crying on thought that I may be gone too far when we would be able to be together. I would so do this suicide thing if it wasn't for her. Can't do that to her. We are each other hopes. I am not afraid of death and I don't cry because I won't exist anymore... I would cry that I never existed anyway. I did nothing, had no love... Abusive family, father alcoholic (although non aggressive) and all I have is 180$ per month. There were ideas of putting me in care homes to worse ones giving me for adoption. It's fate worse than suicide. I would lose all freedom and life which I don't have anyway. Including my pension. Staying in hospital can't be longer than 3 months and solves nothing. Only my privacy is taken there. My life lost sense, I don't know what is like to love and be loved... I just want to make this girl happy. I considered even relocating to Philippines. But finances and property problems got worse.

I have no right to live nor right to die. But I feel destroyed and beyond help. I simply want to feel happiness at least once before I die. I forgot how it feels to be happy. My photos when my brother took them in summer were very sad and my facial expression was of dying man. My physical condition is also falling apart rapidly. I can't walk so much as I used to. Besides, I don't feel like walking in lonely cold desolate place. By starvation I am not fat, but risks of diseases of all this problems are too high. I fear I might end as my last friend. Die without ever experiencing love again.

I feel so destroyed that I don't see purpose of committing suicide when I am already dead. And knowing I can do it anytime so easily is already too much.

In world of 7 billion people I feel like loneliest one. I don't need friends, I don't need people... I need love. I need her. I transformed totally to committing myself to one person only. That is what my girlfriend really loves with me. I gave her all time she needs. I feel lonely when talking to her and lonelier now without talking to her. I feel so tired, but I can't sleep. Most humble and simplest thing I yearn for eludes me... love. Nobody loves me. Except her. But here it's freezing cold. Family nothing, nobody nothing. I yearn for love so much that I get into temptation to try it nearer. But here I "stink on desperation" and not even warm girls. But every time it comes to idea to look for it closer... I cannot. Messages from many previous filipinas which were messaging me: "I will do anything for you"; simply killed my heart. I failed them. It's me in fact who would do anything for them. It hurts me how many sometimes still message me and are sad. I can't respond since I am having my final love. It's just killing me emotionally and binding me even more to this current girl, since I don't want to break my promise which I gave to so many before, but I couldn't fulfill them. My cat is rarely with me. We were bonded, she went to my mother which feeds her more often and doesn't ration her food correctly. My mother wants me to buy two chocolates and always asking me: Do I want this to be bought? Do I want that? Phrases she used when we were little preschool kids she still uses. It's creepy how she treats me as infant. It goes to extremes which I am too ashamed to even speak about. I tell her: "Just give me freedom! That second one give to my girlfriend!" I tell my mother also she could work here if she marries me. But now, in danger of losing all property because of fathers sentence it would't be enough. Her minimal wage and my 180$ to rent something. Impossible.

I am just holding onto my girlfriend and not letting her go. And I wait... wait... wait... To see final verdict for my father and also if I will have to wait painful amount of years to be with her. This waiting would again be with completely dysfunctional family. Just so they die and I can "start life"?

Always wondering if I will feel true love ever in my life. Refusing to do suicide before I feel the love, if I would be left with any emotions in me or just be cold, frozen, silent, dead person.

I feel so cold... So lonely... So alone... and I am, cold and alone. I would maybe be able to save for a visit to her every year for 2 months. Until being together. But I am afraid of going there alone. I am by my morals monogamous, certain rebellion against cheating parents. I said to her: "I just don't want to be like my parents!" I am feeling so weak as days pass that I can barely talk to her. The time she gives me even while working for 10 hours every day, sacrificing her sleep for me and just listening to my crying I don't know how and why she is doing it? Talking to me 5-10 hours per day. She just... finds the time, to soothe me. Here in west it's considered "possessive behavior", "loss of freedom" and "waste of time". My girlfriend even says she owns me which really made my smile for a second, since we both need each other and I like when she tells me something like that. Gives me hope.

I don't recall last time I slept. I don't feel sleepy. What it will do to my health I am so afraid that by the time my parents die I would be way too ill. I just grieve over her, she could be with me if rest of family finds solution. But nobody tolerates nobody in my family. It's just been 6 months since my friend died. I wonder what 6 more years will do to me. I wonder if I will survive next year. Can't live, can't die... Can't even sleep. Can't eat.

Can't lose her... not her... not now... not anymore ever again. If I have I will wait years and years and suffer horrible dying period of mother and then just pack up and go there to be with her. I would simply hate all the laws and extreme racism which exists still in Europe and my country.

And this cold bitter weather and loneliness

[Winterbritt]

You seem to be suffering a lot. I'm very sorry for that. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Just so you know, I'm from the USA and from my perspective and the people I know, Croatia is an incredible exotic county that we believe is very interesting and beautiful.

I guess everything in the world depends on your perspective.

I think you are ok, and I think you can have a good life. I think it would help you to reconsider if your beliefs about your life are working for you.

I read you story and it sounded to me like you are a very strong capable committed person. Even strong capable committed people get tired sometimes, especially if dealing with a lot of situations in their life.

You are ok. Your story of what is going on just makes it feel like you are not ok. But you are ok. Those stories that your mind is retelling about your family and your girlfriend, they are just stories. They are your perception and memory of some situation in the past. It's the story your are retelling that hurts you. The actual thing that happens only hurts you once. The story of it in your memory keeps hurting you every time your mind retells it.

Please, if you like, check out The Work | The Work of Byron Katie. You can learn how to stop telling yourself the stories that are hurting you. Once you stop hurting, your mind will be clear enough to form a plan to get you where you want to be in life.

You are ok. Just take a few deep breaths. You will be ok.

[neverendingtears]

Thank you for reply. Very kind of you.

I checked your link and I get it. The Work, that one.

Also, I was sure I have asocial personality. But, just checking types of them I found out it is schizoid personality disorder. Reading wikipedia article on it made it clear I am one of them. Very rare type, but am.

I don't think I want to change it and I am okay with it. My fantasy world is rich enough. Also explains my "love issues". I became just ghost. Silent to the extreme. Abandonment depression, "false self"... Many things. I don't care about anything. Anymore.

I feel frozen. No emotions anymore. Silent. No will in changing it.

She is final person I lost. Now, it's only me.