[Aardwolf]

My thoughts are tearing me apart. piece by piece i'm loosing myself.

I try not to think, but the silence is just as good, if not better, at destroying me.

For once in my life I really don't know if I'm going to have enough air until the sea next calms.

I should be scared, worried, something.
I'm not.

[SorryShaped]

Been there. In my case, bipolar, it just takes time, but I know it will probably come again later.
What's the one thing you'd change in your life that would help you the most?
Taking your meds as prescribed, if any? Seeing your therapist?

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. (((((Hugs))))). I hope you feel better soon.

[Aardwolf]

Cognitively I know i'm having a "rough patch".
Cognitively I know it will pass.
Cognitively I know this probably won't kill me.

My reality however is so much different.. I truly feel like I have no more motivation left to give. No effort left, no want, need or reason.
I literally can't see a way out.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

Cognitively I know i'm having a "rough patch".
Cognitively I know it will pass.
Cognitively I know this probably won't kill me.

My reality however is so much different.. I truly feel like I have no more motivation left to give. No effort left, no want, need or reason.
I literally can't see a way out.

There is an out. You have resources. Use them. Do you have a friend that will come stay with you a couple nights or even one night. Could you go stay with them? Do you have a safety plan in place? If you have any emergency, including a ride to any hospital, even mental health, calling 911 will get you there

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( hugs ))))))))
I’m fed up with the crap and the crappers in this world
Tired of life. Life sucks

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

(((((((( hugs ))))))))
I’m fed up with the crap and the crappers in this world
Tired of life. Life sucks

Overall it does suck. It's those tiny little moments of wonder we have to hold onto

[Aardwolf]

There is an out. You have resources. Use them. Do you have a friend that will come stay with you a couple nights or even one night. Could you go stay with them? Do you have a safety plan in place? If you have any emergency, including a ride to any hospital, even mental health, calling 911 will get you there

Resources that I can't use most of.. No friends are talking to me at the moment.. Family it's just a flat out no.

I have no safety plan. I could call an Ambo.. but it's an Emergency ambulance for a reason.. I'm not an emergency.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

Resources that I can't use most of.. No friends are talking to me at the moment.. Family it's just a flat out no.

I have no safety plan. I could call an Ambo.. but it's an Emergency ambulance for a reason.. I'm not an emergency.

Being suicidal is a massive emergency! It's just as life-threatening as a heart attack. Needing a hospital is needing a hospital, regardless of whether it's mental or physical problems. Some police will even take you, so you won't have the bill from the ambulance to deal with

[Aardwolf]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Being suicidal is a massive emergency! It's just as life-threatening as a heart attack. Needing a hospital is needing a hospital, regardless of whether it's mental or physical problems. Some police will even take you, so you won't have the bill from the ambulance to deal with

Oh it's okay, I'm in the UK so mercifully there is no bill for use.. Either way I see it as an unnecessary use of thier time and resources.. The NHS is stretched to bursting point as it is without another fruit loop to throw in the mix..

[MickeyCheeky]

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

Oh it's okay, I'm in the UK so mercifully there is no bill for use.. Either way I see it as an unnecessary use of thier time and resources.. The NHS is stretched to bursting point as it is without another fruit loop to throw in the mix..

You are necessary

[Aardwolf]

People keep saying that.
I appreciate not everyone can be wrong.
I just can't wrap my head around why it would be true for me, or why it would even be worth it.

How did I become so broken

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

People keep saying that.
I appreciate not everyone can be wrong.
I just can't wrap my head around why it would be true for me, or why it would even be worth it.

How did I become so broken

Broken. Maybe. Shattered. I live most of the time thinking that too. "How could THIS ever get fixed?" I'm not the best person to answer that. But I know broken. I feel it almost all the time. But almost isn't always, now is it? Almost means there is something! Miniscule hope! Tiny fractions within the fractures of me that CAN work.
You're reaching out here, that's a piece of you with hope! A glimmer! Awesome! Something there that wants better. Use that little glimmer. Reach out in real life, anywhere you know that is truly a good choice.
Have you made a doctor appointment? Therapist? Someone to talk to? I know here in the States there are hotlines for those in desperation, just a stranger to listen, perhaps listen to, and maybe even cry with. I had both of us doing that once when I called.
Do you go to church or have a spiritual belief? Invest yourself in that. Reach out to your spiritual leaders.
You're not here because you gave up. You're here because you still have hope.
I love you, because you are a being in this messed up Universe. You matter to me. Please do something in the real world to help yourself, even if "they" won't.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( ACQPL ))))))
Take it a step at a time.
You are worth it.


WC

[Aardwolf]

Life has been painful for such a long time, that I don't know if I can actually make it back up to where I used to be.
I've felt this change me. Not for the better.

Forming coherent sentences is nearly impossible now. I don't even have the energy to drink anymore.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

Life has been painful for such a long time, that I don't know if I can actually make it back up to where I used to be.
I've felt this change me. Not for the better.

Forming coherent sentences is nearly impossible now. I don't even have the energy to drink anymore.

Accidentally clicked the like, sorry.
I look at it bit differently. For myself, I hope I'm never where I used to be, because I wan't every moment to be new.
In hospital, a therapist spoke of keeping my SI and depression as if it were a security blanket, because I always knew it was there, familiar and consistent. That changed my thinking a lot, knowing that I was just in a circle of self-loathing.
You're in a rough patch, but still reaching out. I don't have the right words for you, but I can tell you that I care and other people do too.
I think you need to figure out a doctor's appointment. You can have them bill you and just pay as you can afford it each month. I have huge hospital bills and I pay them $5 a month, but when all my medical bills add up, I'm still paying out around $40 a month. They cannot sue you for medical bills add long as you tell them you have very little and can only make "good faith payments." Some places will allow you to request "extra help to pay" which, if you qualify, they simply write it off, and end up ahead on it financially, because they write off the entire visit at a full cash, uninsured, value

[Aardwolf]

So all you sick and the bitterness of the lonely
To all you overdosed and you miles of coke fiends
And every step, another step, you're walking on my dreams
And every breath, another breath you're breathing when I breathe
I watch them all come, gotta watch the rest go
I'm married to the devil in the city of angels
So come all you wicked to the world of the empty
I know I need it all, so baby don't tempt me
I'm knocking on our door, nope, nobody sent me

We are made from broken parts
We are, we are
We are broken from the start
And our hearts, our hearts
They were beating in the dark
'Cause we are, we are
We are built from broken parts

With a gleam in his eye, his middle finger to the sky
Crooked smile on his face, he doesn't think he can die