I can't point a finger on it anymore

My mother has been using us sons for emotional company, along with my dad. That's why we have issues outside of home.
I am too weak to do anything - I can't study and I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like a leftover human.
When I try to study and can't understand something, I just give up and throw the notebook away.

My mother vented to me a week ago, about how sad she's felt all these years. But she vented because she'd see how miserable I was. I think a part of her was doing this so I'll stop venting. Because at one point she'd say she doesn't like it when I talk to her angrily at times. Well it's no ****ing wonder, she's been emotionally controlling through all these years, not wanting us to rise. She'd always vent and show pain just so I'll stop complaining and being angry.

I should have never been her emotional crutch. It has made me weak and a crutch.

Guys, I really don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. I can't study, I hardly have any friends, my social hierarchy is already low, and I really feel like a leftover human on this world. Grown through the fears of our parents, being kept in a large house just for company due to their own insecurities, and that's why we're losing as a family. My mother and father think everything is OK because we are all here.
But you have no idea how much I deeply despite my parents for having put me through this life.
My mother doesn't even check on me daily regardless of my condition. She sees a happy face for a moment and thinks everything has been solved. Telling her has not helped. I have no one to depend on.
Once again, I feel like a leftover.
And if I'm not - PROVE! OTHERWISE!

Oh, and I could feel her becoming hurt when I'd talked irritatingly at her. "Are you mad at me?" she'd ask, making me uncomfortable, yet she's prioritizing her feelings over mine.
I HAVE NO ****ING FEELINGS BECAUSE OF THIS!

It sounds like you need to breathe your own breath, to have time and space of your own and to keep your energy for your own self discovery not to be a crutch? I hope you can take small steps to freedom. Have to read any attachment theory? There is a book that seems unrelated bc it is about breaking up with girlfriends /husbands etc, but it actually does a great job teaching attachment theory and family systems. It is called Should You Leave? By Peter Kramer.

id like to read that too, just out of curiosity

Dear Vibrating Obsidian.

As I gather my strength and will to embark on an exciting adventure in my life, I too lament the years lost and opportunities squandered. Time has seemed to stand still for me, years & years of wading through bouts of debilitating depression, coupled with my fear and dread of the world.

Mental illness bought on by an accident of birth, trauma, environment, faulty brain chemistry or associated illness/circumstances… is for all of us a heavy cross to bear, and is almost always exacerbated by those around us who perpetually tell us that we just aren't good enough, that we are damaged, that we have no value as citizens of the world.....a heartbreaking waste of life.

So where to from here?...how do we find our place in the world? A place where our endeavors are valued? A place where we can strive, accomplish and be all the better for it? Well to start with we need to be realistic….I would have loved to have been a dancer…but at my stage in life this just isn’t going to happen. However…I do have skills, bankable skills that I have slowly nurtured over my years of dark exile.

Yet choosing how and where to use these skills is the hard part…Self doubt, fear of ridicule, and indeed failure all come into play causing us to procrastinate and bemoan the inertia of our lives. I spent many many years in therapy and medicated...it wasn’t until I started implementing changes by modifying my thinking and behavior that I began to move forward...It was like the gears on my life had been out of whack, the only way forward it seemed was to realign them.

Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs and my reactions to the world, including my constant worrying of what others thought of me. Some of my ideas were keeping me safe, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. I have now come to appreciate that 99.9% of people care little about what I think or what I do...they care more about their own lives. I now understand that I can’t wait around for others to tolerate, validate, laud or honour me...I must do that for myself. The worst choice we can make is waiting for others to choose for us, or waiting for permission to choose, as we may spend our lives choosing nothing at all.

Should I have chosen sooner?... of course I should have, but what is more important is that I have chosen NOW…and am so excited to see what the world has in store for me………stay tuned.

Please be Kind & Generous to yourself Vibrating Obsidian, you will be truly amazed at what you are capable of. (hugs)

The only people who would care about my suicide is my mother but only because I am her half-glass full part of her life, along with her other sons.
Besides her, maybe my 2 friends, just maybe.
That’s it. That’s how much people will care.
Of course there are other people in my life such as my father and two brothers, but they don’t mean much to me. And another friend or two I don’t see related to me anymore.

So really, what is life worth when you’re just an ant?

Walking the length of a windowsill is a big important journey for a solitary ant...even ants deserve some good days.