[mulan]

Being free from others critics existant or imagined is hard for me.

Even on this forum, it is suposed to be a safe place. But I find myself imagining what others are thinking about me when I say something more revealing... I try to write some sort of joke and my head jumps to what the reactions might be...
I see a community thread and I wonder if people don't like me or if they want me out of it.

I know the problem is in my thinking pattern, but is so ingrained. Being told that I am accepted probably wouldn't change anything.

It's just exhausting and I wish I knew how to turn it of.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I don't know how to turn this kind of thinking off. But I have some sense of what it feels like. I rarely post my own threads here on PC anymore. And I don't subscribe to posts I reply to. So if another member comments on one of my replies, chances are I'll never see it.

I have a YouTube channel which I keep just as a place to access music videos I enjoy listening to... often while I'm replying to posts here on PC. However, I never comment on a video I watch. The most I'll ever do is to click the "Like" icon. My personal perspective is one just has to figure out what one can & can't tolerate & then figure out ways to adapt to it.

[CepheidVariable]

It may not always look like it, but believe it or not, I feel that.

I have self-esteem issues, social anxiety, and avoidance. The whole works. It's easier for me on these forums and in some real life situations, but not always.

Even here on PC, I can post a bunch of messages when I'm feeling good and receive lots of positive responses ... I feel confident (even helpful and friendly) ... everything's great ... and then, out of nowhere -- *Whack*, Anxiety -- I don't want to post, feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say, worry it won't be good enough, or that I'll say something off-putting or stooopid.



It's quite frustrating. I feel so silly for feeling that way.

I find the joking helps me in life in general, and here too -- although I'm reluctant to yuk-it-up (really joke around) on the depression forum. I wouldn't want it to grate on someone who was currently in distress. I'm more silly and casual on the other forums. I can usually keep posting in the social/non-issue forums unless I'm just feeling truly rubbish in general.

I don't have any advice beyond the usual treatment methodologies for such things. I just wanted to say I sympathize. You too, Skeezyks -- although you might not read this.

[James0805]

Hey Mulan,

I crave other people's acceptance too. I just thought if you knew someone out there understood, you would feel less alone.

[little turtle]

i want to be loved unconditionally....so I need to give it

[mulan]

Originally Posted by little turtle

i want to be loved unconditionally....so I need to give it

Maybe I never learned how to do that...

[Albatross2008]

I have worked hard for most of my life to overcome an intense fear of being judged by others.

In the past, that fear was not without a basis. For some reason, the adults in my life had it in their heads that I was incredibly gifted. (My IQ is above average, but that's it, and it doesn't make me any more special than anybody else.) Having this idea about me, they expected more. Any mistake at all was treated like total failure. I grew to demand nothing less of myself than perfection.

On top of this, any success I did have was discounted. Let's say I'm really good at X and Y, but not Z. What feedback would I get? "Nobody cares about X and Y. What really matters in life is Z. X and Y are for nerds. Z is what the cool people are doing--and you're not good at that, so you're not really all that smart after all. You're dumb in the areas that mean anything."

So yes, I had reason at first to fear rejection. I no longer do, because I've discovered that these people were lying. For some reason, they felt bad about themselves because they weren't good at X and Y, so they wanted me to feel bad about myself too.

None of that is happening anymore, but the leftover fear does remain.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by mulan

Maybe I never learned how to do that...

words can be very powerful....to boost you up or take you down..