What is wrong with me

I have been to a therapist and diagnosed with major depression and social and general anxiety. I tend no I do stay in my house and avoid contact with the outside, I have no desire to engage with people outside of my house. I remember when I was younger I was shy scared of new things yearned for friends 20 something years to now I hate dealing with people I hate the stress of life period I fear death and have no desire to kill myself but I want nothing to do with people or the steps of living life. Thing is I strongly believe its all unnecessary even though there's a voice telling its Wrong. What I HATE the most is I love my kids but interacting with them is so annoying I try to listen when they speak but I get so irritated that do nothing but talk about useless things like what a kid at school said or what if questions like what if I wasn't born mom or what if the sky was yellow or asking me about things they already know in general IT irritates me when people talk. It makes me agitated and angry and I hate feeling that way I want to be present but I can't its a battle in my head listen to what their saying omg why are they talking about this **** I don't care to hear it its not just my kids though its people. *****ing complaining raised voices the sound of things banging in the kitchen it irks the hell out of me. Don't even get me started on people arguing back and forth I need a bubble soundless. This isn't normal.

The only advice I can give is trying therapy, if you're not doing it already.. :/

I am bipolar and have been for 37+ years. I am in treatment for ect AGAIN. 2 YEARS ago I fell into a depressive state and just a couple months ago came out of that stupor. Starting my ect again, feeling good for a couple months, now falling again into depression. But my concern right now is I am obsessive with facebook. I have had an ongoing friendship based relationship with several young people who have one or no parents in the eastern part of the world...India, Bangladesh, Nepal. In India I met up with a two boys one is 20 now and his brother is 15 now. It's been going on for 2 years. I have adopted them as my grandsons. And at this time I have a compulsive need to talk with them and to have them talk with me. I feel I am helping them as a "adult family member" giving advice that two young men don't know who have grown up with adult concerns. I make them feel loved and wanted and not forgotten. That is why I keep on with this and have promised I will not leave them like their parents did. They seem to invite my advice and has connected on fb and phone and video. They are very handsome young men and I have a love that I can't explain. They are respectful, loving, funny, hurting, and trying to decide on what direction they want their life to go toward. They each have a girlfriend and ask advice from me "nani" in India, in Nepal a young lady that we communicate calls me "granny" and I give her my love without requirements. I have several relationships from different countries...they are young compared to me....grandchildren age. I even have an older man who is 28 who I hooked up with on fb and he said he knew me and I asked how we had never talked. He said you are the old woman with the big heart. He didn't tell me how unless he just reads on fb. But the one conversation at the end he said I love you. My concern right now is I have a compulsion to check my email to see if I hear from my grandsons in India. I feel saddened when I don't hear from them. I smile when I think of them and I try to write to them each day or each night. Telling them things like "be a good boy and do good in school" like a parent or grandparent would do, but why the sadness if I don't hear from them. I am going into a depressive state again and I have let several days go by without contacting them and I don't want them to think I have abandoned them like everyone before. They ask for girlfriend advice and I've talked with girlfriends. I just feel very protective of them because they are so alone and like falling through the cracks of life and I am giving to them something they are not receiving. But why the NEED to hear from them as often as I contact them? Am I wrong? Am I setting myself and them up for a rude awakening that I can't be there for them, when I can't even take care of myself. But there the depression has started from the relationship with them or just my bipolar disorder depression returning just because. I need advice and no one else seems to understand the importance I feel toward these young people especially grandsons in India who have captured my heart. Can one of you give me some advice on what some things I can do without hurting anyone else? I'm soooo sad.

Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist and looked into the possibility of medication? Being that irritated sounds very painful. Surely, there is some relief out there for you somewhere.

It sounds to me like you are really emotionally invested in these young people and it’s giving you a purpose. The give and take here is a two way street. You are offering love and caring and are receiving it in return. I think that’s a positive thing on both sides. You may have gotten into an obsessive habit of wanting contact with them but I don’t see who you are hurting. It is understandable that you can’t communicate as much when you are depressed. I’m sure they feel loved enough by your interactions that they don’t feel abandoned during these times. You sound like a really good person. They are lucky to have you.