[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I really think he thinks I am an empty shell with no emotions or thoughts of my own.

Maybe I am. Maybe I just don't matter. Maybe I just cannot comprehend.

Whatever it is - I am numb.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

But you're smart Why wouldn't you comprehend? Really sorry you've gone numb.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I don't know - that's a question for him. I'm too dumb to answer.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Numb and dumb

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Yep - that's me. Oh yea - and somehow admits that I manage to be a smart ***. (By telling him what he just got done telling me when he gets mad at a response I give)

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

You're basically switching between being a smart-*** and a dumb-***, and back again? How much time each day?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

According to him ... All the time everyday..

[CepheidVariable]

I don't know what your physical situation is like -- how much privacy you may have and how often.

Do you at least get a break when you are online here?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

I don't know what your physical situation is like -- how much privacy you may have and how often.

Do you at least get a break when you are online here?

We sit next to one another in the living room with an end table between us either both of us on our phones or me on my phone n him watching tv. He ignores me until he wants something or needs to complain about something. Every once in awhile he will talk to me about plans for our future but that is very rare. That's how it goes.

If In am bold enough to open my mouth without him first saying something - I risk being yelled at.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Important question, Crypt. Are you scared of him?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

No. Just get really "subdued" bc I know the reactions I will face.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

At the same time - I know from past - if I push him too hard, he can get very out of control.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Can you say more about 'out of control'?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Back then (years ago) he used to

Possible trigger:

come at me with weapons only to stop within inches of contact (ex start swinging n stop or etc)

he would tell me

Possible trigger:

he would pay $ to see me tortured

amongst other things

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Crypts........

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I left him back then. Only came back bc the shelter kicked me out. Since then he has been afraid I will leave again so even when he gets abusive, he keeps it "generic". So right now - its a balance beam of sorts that both of us are walking - until I can get him to some place he feels safe trusting the mental health system.

I hope that makes sense?

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Yeah, it's OK, I've read quite a bit and do understand that it's complex. I wasn't trying to simplify. I just couldn't tell if the dynamic was primarily a couple arguing, or of one of them being downbeaten and scared.

Ah Crypts. My heart goes out to you

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Yeah, it's OK, I've read quite a bit and do understand that it's complex. I wasn't trying to simplify. I just couldn't tell if the dynamic was primarily a couple arguing, or of one of them being downbeaten and scared.

Ah Crypts. My heart goes out to you

Even as it is now though - it does not sound like much but imagine this:
You are in the living room, your husband walks in after a night's sleep.
You say "G'morn. Did you sleep good?"
He says "Shut up"
So ... An hour or so goes by with nobody talking.
He says "Will you get me some water?"
You say "alright" start getting up but you hurt a little so sigh a bit
He says "Well nevermind then! I will get it! Don't worry about it!"
You say "I was getting it..."
He says "Yea - whatever. No need for all that complaining."
You say "I hurt a bit, that's all"
He says "Can't you ever just drop it - just go get the water!"
So you go get the water
Later, you are sitting there and he tries to walk by you - gets upset because he needs to walk around your feet (that are already up against the chair)
Another few minutes or so pass and a neighbor knocks on the door - you don't answer quick enough so he asks "Can't you answer that? Don't you know how to get up? Are you too lazy?" (All while he is sitting in his chair not trying to move
Then after a bit you ask him if he wants some more water while you are up "NO I DON'T!!!"
That is just the first half of your day. Later you get cussed out for asking questions or glancing at him wrong or if he happens to have a bad experience that day - along with the yelling and stand offish attitude.
If you try to hug him, "wtf are you doing now?"
If you try to kiss him, he moves away
If you say "I love you" - its received as an aggravation
Him saying "I love you" n kissing you good night is seen as a chore

Imagine that being your daily routine

It wears you down.
You start thinking maybe there is something wrong with you and this is all you deserve...

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

OK. I've been processing and mulling and trying to feel my way through your post all day.

You post here mainly to blow off steam. I get that. But, Crypts, you have to leave him.

It's impossible. I know. You don't have friends or family who can take you in. You're scared of ending up back in the shelter that kicked you out. Financially, it can't be done. And he's mentally-ill.

Those things matter.

You've still got to leave him.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

OK. I've been processing and mulling and trying to feel my way through your post all day.

You post here mainly to blow off steam. I get that. But, Crypts, you have to leave him.

It's impossible. I know. You don't have friends or family who can take you in. You're scared of ending up back in the shelter that kicked you out. Financially, it can't be done. And he's mentally-ill.

Those things matter.

You've still got to leave him.

That's why I am trying to stay n get him into counseling. He wants to move to another state so I want to find one where the MH system is good - but I don't know where that is.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I understand.

But I don't feel that from him. I don't feel that he's going to do anything.

[Fuzzybear]

I don’t know if he would do anything . Maybe not

My gut tells me the same as pvb said

I’m sorry for your pain . Abusive relationships ....

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Like I said - this is only started back up after a lot of stress started piling up on us due to where we live.

Prior to that - he went 3yrs of treating me like any other healthy relationship (we had our problems but we talked them over n found resolutions, he wanted to show his love to me and wanted love from me, both of us were more than willing to help one another, etc - ie "healthy") but - when the stressors piled in too long, he fell apart n went back to his old ways of coping - which never included anything healthy. He recognizes it so still will not go overboard like before, but there is a modicum of "can't control it" there too - which is why some seeps out. Like when a person who deals with depression finally gets it under control, and then the security they know in the world around them suddenly falls apart again - they rely on the coping techniques they knew to deal with it. If those techniques were healthy - awesome! If not - then its going to be hard for that person again.

Does that make sense?

[Fuzzybear]

It does make sense to me

I’m not the best at advice. For me personally, I wish I had left all the abusive relationships I was “in” much sooner. But your SO doesn’t sound like any of those abusers (although I do recognise a pattern that some of them had)

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It's hugely to your credit that you think of him in this caring way.

I'm trying to really put myself in your shoes.

There are times in life when we suddenly find ourselves in an emergency situation. It doesn't matter how or why. It's not about blame. We're just in it.

I've had many.

Erm.... well, it's not about my experiences. (But I will share them if you think it will help).

A day like you describe cannot be repeated for any length of time. It might have its moments of security and comfort. But this is a volatile situation. One of you will crack.