Just... why?

I'm alone a lot, anymore. I don't know when that started or if I was the one who put this way of life into motion. I quit taking all my meds around a month ago. I didn't tell my doctors that, though. I have a lot of meds, too many meds.

It's not like I don't have friends. I do and they're great. I also have a fiance who's the love of my life, regardless of how much we've started arguing. I have my mom who'd be here for me if I asked, but she deals with so many of her own inner demons, I just can't bring myself to add onto her pain. That's basically how I feel about all of them. I shouldn't bring them down.

So, I stay silent. I sit alone in this living room, staring at all of these pills, with a bottle right next to them. My phone is here, in my hand, but I don't call anyone. Asking for help is pointless. Help never comes. The only thing that shows up are badges that take you to some place you don't want to be. Take you to a place where you're just a walking case study and leave as a diagnosis.

How is this a way to live? How is this okay? These voices that tell me they'll hurt me, why don't they just ****ing do it? Why can't they end me? Why did I survive that day? Why did he stop? Why didn't he end me? He already killed so much of me, why didn't he finish the job?

WHY?!

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please reach out to someone or even keep reaching out here. See your doctor and talk about your meds. Your life is important and you matter.

I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through and are experiencing these feelings. There are people in your life who care. Please don't continue to bottle things up that are causing you distress. It is better to ask for help. I encourage you to express how you feel to those in your support network. I think it was a good decision to post here as you did because it allows you to let thoughts out that are troubling you and allows us to offer comfort and support. People in real life care and want good things for you, too. I extend an invitation to you to talk anytime. You're not in this alone. Hope you feel better soon.

I'm so sorry you feel this way 😑 there are times when it seems all words are empty and even an attempt for comforting may be triggering. So just want to tell you I sincerely hope you'll get better soon.

I am angry you went through this. Your only hope might be writing about it. Sometimes when you write about every little thing that is bothering you it might help. Keep posting about all your voices and demons? Hugs.

I am so terribly sorry for your pain.

(((((So leighas)))))

Thinking of you, So

((((((( So leigheas )))))))