[pappydaddy]

I am angry. I'm not certain if there is any one thing I am angry about but I believe it is probably many things.

I am currently trying to figure out how much money to draw out of my 401K just so my family can get by for the next several months. Yes, I will be penalized and taxed beyond belief and the odds of me ever replacing any retirement money are pretty much zero. We are out of health insurance, both vehicles need work done to them, we're behind 5 months on rent, and I am currently unemployed. My wife works full-time with no insurance available and does not make much money. I am still drawing unemployment compensation but that is going to run out soon. We have a 2 year old daughter who is wonderful, except now it seems my mental health issues are beginning to affect her as well and she certainly doesn't deserve that.

People wonder why anyone would take his own life. One of my best friends killed himself in January of 2001 and it still hurts. But at least I can understand why he did it, which is more than most people can say. He couldn't stand the pain anymore. I have been down some awful roads in my life and I have managed to survive somehow. I've tried to end my life before, but always managed to stop myself.

This time it is different. The pain is there of course, the mental anguish those who are cursed with MI understand so well. But now I'm feeling a numbness, a worthlessness I didn't even know was possible. I'm not sure why I'm typing this except I don't really have anyone else to open up to. Something in me knows I want to live or I would already be gone. Something inside is telling me to reach out to anyone I can, and today that is you.

Perhaps I'll have to drive myself to the hospital and hope they take an uninsured patient, I don't know. But something has got to give.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. We will gladly listen to everything you have to say, if that helps even just a bit.

[littleowl2006]

Hi pappydaddy, good that you are reaching out. First of all I want to say that I am very sorry about the tough times that you and your family are experiencing. I cannot give you any good advice other than not to give up and keep looking for support. You are strong, that is something that I can say after reading what you have written. You have people who love you and whom you love very much, that is another thing I see. And these things mean that you are already rich an a way that some people never will be. It is unfair that you should be struggling so hard, and it is the system, not you. I wish you and your loved ones all the best and may these difficulties end at some point. May you have some peace of mind and get to enjoy the time with your little daughter as you both deserve it.
I am sure other posters will give you better advice, but I wanted to leave this out here. I also know that there is a number you can call in emergencies:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-...phone-numbers/

Hello. It's great you're reaching out for support, and I am soooo terribly sorry for the struggles and stresses that you and your family face. Those are not easy issues to grapple with. I am glad you've found reasons to stay alive...... keep those reasons in mind always and no matter what. I don't have answers for you of course, but I do hope things turn around for you.... sending big hugs!!!! ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) DO hang in there.

Hi, let me extend my hand of support. Perhaps we can lift from your shoulders some of the anguish. I think a lot of us have for various reasons felt in the place you stand in now - including me.

I haven't a clue how the healthcare system works in your country but I suggest you go to the hospital. I can't believe they would turn you away. You are in need.

I just want to offer a hug. While I haven't experienced exactly the same as you, I can certainly relate to the feelings. You will get through this. If you need to go to the hospital that is okay. I believe everyone who suffers with mental illness is incredibly strong. I can already tell you are. Best wishes.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by pappydaddy

I am angry. I'm not certain if there is any one thing I am angry about but I believe it is probably many things.

I am currently trying to figure out how much money to draw out of my 401K just so my family can get by for the next several months. Yes, I will be penalized and taxed beyond belief and the odds of me ever replacing any retirement money are pretty much zero. We are out of health insurance, both vehicles need work done to them, we're behind 5 months on rent, and I am currently unemployed. My wife works full-time with no insurance available and does not make much money. I am still drawing unemployment compensation but that is going to run out soon. We have a 2 year old daughter who is wonderful, except now it seems my mental health issues are beginning to affect her as well and she certainly doesn't deserve that.

People wonder why anyone would take his own life. One of my best friends killed himself in January of 2001 and it still hurts. But at least I can understand why he did it, which is more than most people can say. He couldn't stand the pain anymore. I have been down some awful roads in my life and I have managed to survive somehow.

Possible trigger:

I've tried to end my life before

but always managed to stop myself.

This time it is different. The pain is there of course, the mental anguish those who are cursed with MI understand so well. But now I'm feeling a numbness, a worthlessness I didn't even know was possible. I'm not sure why I'm typing this except I don't really have anyone else to open up to. Something in me knows I want to live or I would already be gone. Something inside is telling me to reach out to anyone I can, and today that is you.

Perhaps I'll have to drive myself to the hospital and hope they take an uninsured patient, I don't know. But something has got to give.

I am so sorry you are going through all of that. Just try to handle one thing at a time, and don't bunch it all together, that tends to make you feel worse. Try to keep putting your feelings down, ether here, or in a journal. We all are here to let things out, and I don't know about everyone else on this site, but it does help me.

[pappydaddy]

Everyone's advice has been sound, helpful, and much appreciated. I'm determined to rise above this condition. Opening up is something I have been notoriously terrible at doing but I know I must. Thank you.