but i'm not.

what is she seeing?

it bothers me.

my previous therapist said this too. but i was posturing with her.

i compulsively posture. i can't open up to my new therapist.

yeah, i could handle them. i can handle most people when i have to. i have a sense of humor. i'm still around.

but i'm just a baby, and i grew up alone in a scary environment. i wish people would see that. sometimes i feel like there's nothing separating the baby me from everyone, but then they don't notice. Sometimes i feel like i'm really small and all my actions are empty and coming from the bottom of a well. sometimes when i don't feel that way, i still relate to people as if i'm cajoling or immaturely advising, as i did to my parents when i was younger. i have to make myself cutesy.

what do people see? it seems to pass as normal. maybe i have such a flat affect because of the depression that cutesy comes across as sarcastic.

i'm sensitive. i cry a lot. i'm not really good at anything. i don't try very hard at anything. i don't know how to do anything. i want help.

also, sorry to be obnoxious about this, but i have positions that people would call "leadership positions," at least in the small pond of the college i'm at. i fed such lies, all this stuff came out of my mouth in the interview. it sounded great. all i have to do is put nice clothes on, and talk about something.

i wonder if my supervisors have seen that i'm not all that great yet. i think they have. but i've never been reprimanded or even corrected much. i don't know how to ask questions much, but i am good at hiding what i don't know and sneakily finding out the answers.

i'm so under the radar sometimes that they didn't notice that they never trained me. i trained myself, and passed the performance review. i am good enough but not great. in my performance review, my supervisor said i am "obviously competent." is the threshold for competence so low? i waver in every decision.

my therapists have often said, "well, you're here," as if i should be proud of that. they say, "you're doing the work." yes, but not as well as i could. i'm just surviving. i could be so much better. take away all the lies and posturing, and i'm the lowest in the world.

maybe i am tough because i know how to be invisible. i know how to survive because i have no dignity. but i don't know what people see. maybe they just see a pathetic attempt and don't tell me. everyone seems indestructible except me.

and i don't think we can chalk this up to the depression. i feel like i'm 12.

lost my train of thought. just wanted to talk and post this. sorry about talking about my job. don't want to be obnoxious.

[Bill3]

When a person functions in a scary environment (s)he is likely to:

--waver in every decision
--feel that others tower over them, are much more powerful
--hide what (s)he doesn't know
--find things out sneakily
--not ask many questions
--have limited/flat affect
--believe (s)he is lacking/not all that great
--compulsively posture
--lack self-confidence
--seem tough by not revealing weakness/vulnerability
--cajole or immaturely advise so as to make sure no one thinks that the person is arrogant or is being openly challenging/defiant

it seems to pass as normal....my supervisor said i am "obviously competent."

It seems that in the world generally you are viewed and treated differently, and much more favorably, than you are viewed and treated in the scary environment.

i can't open up to my new therapist.

A key task of therapy would be to identify beliefs and behaviors that were helpful if not critical for survival in the scary environment, but are not needed in the (benign) world at large. Then you could work on developing beliefs and behaviors that are more fitting for being in the world at large. But therapy is itself extremely difficult because it requires openness and vulnerability and trust--things which are terrifying in the scary environment.

[MtnTime2896]

I related all too well to this post. I think Bill said pretty much everything.

I will tell you something a friend of mine said once, "'Tough' is bull****. There's no such thing as 'tough' like there's no such thing as 'weak'. People are just that: People. There should be no measurement of strength because it doesn't exist. We're just human. And each one is different from another."

I don't know if that will help, but it's something I remember and recite to myself every time someone says I'm 'tough'. I don't know, it just helps me deal with it.