I'm hurt.

I hate life I hate living.. I really do.. I'm so freaking emotionally overwhelmed my whole body aches.. I feel like i'm drowning and idk.. I feel like no one needs me and no one wants me somewhere deep down I know that's not true but that's how I feel that's what my mind it telling me i feel like my mind hates me sometimes…. I can't get the thought of suicide and self harm out of my mind.. I'm trying so hard to refrain from a lot… I don't know when things got this bad i just know things aren't getting better and although I may not be dealing with things everyday I feel more lonely and lost than i ever had.. I'm not high or on anything i just… i really don't know i just know i'm not happy.. I'm really done I can't take this.. I can't pretend anymore. I can't just keep having these changes.. One second I’m fine and the next I feel like I’ve hit an all time low.. Most times there’s no reason behind anything it’s just pain.. Pure and utter pain.. I feel lost… i feel worthless. I don't want anyone to see me.. I don't want anyone to notice because I don't want to lie and say I’m okay.. I CAN'T keep this going. I can't keep life going.. I don't want to ask for help but, I’m tired of pushing it away I want someone to hug me and hold me any tell me I have some kind of value when I feel like this… I have a boyfriend…. I feel like all he does is stress about me.. I feel like a burden and a weight.. He helps me and I push him away… I don't deserve him.. I don't deserve love.. I don't deserve life.. I want to die…… I’m pathetic, I’m ugly, I’m fat. I LITERALLY HATE MYSELF… I’m the only person I know that I can look at and see complete and utter imperfection.. everyone is so amazing. I don't envy it. I just feel so much love for everyone else.. EVERYONE else deserves so much. I’m the only one I want to hurt.. I want to freaking starve and cut.. I want to just overdose and die… omg… I really just can't anymore… I want to feel pain because I deserve it. I am trash i hate myself I can't say it enough I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF.. That's all my mind has been screaming for the past hour… I can't fall asleep… I want to just die… I really can't do this and I don't know why I'm trying anymore.and having literally nothing to look forward to in the morning is getting old. having no motivation or will to live is getting old.. And it's so easy! It really is to just end absolutely everything because why not… I can't function like a normal person.. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.. I'm done, i'm done with so much i'm done with life.. I don't want anyone to talk to me rn i don't want to be touched or anything …. Why does everyone hate me…… i don't know what i did.. I just want to be accepted. I need positivity but i'm drowning rn… i feel so freaking empty.. I don't know what i'm holding on to.. because you know what if i were to die rn the sun would still rise just the same the next day.. People would wake up for school others would go on with their day at work… i'm not that important… i'm really not… i done with life.. why me.. Why put someone to the very edge until they can't function anymore.. Why hurt someone so much..Why does anyone deserve this… i wouldn't wish the pain i feel on to anyone.. Not my worst enemy, not anyone… there's close to 121 suicides in the U.S. everyday, there’s nearly 30 TIMES that if you count everyone worldwide… EVERYDAY… where was their hope…. Where was their love…? I'm just so exhausted.. I don't wanna wake up...i'd be just fine with that. It wouldn't be surprising at this point.. I wanna just roll over and die!! I hate myself.. I hate living. And at the end of the day i think overall i’d be doing more favors than causing pain if i just decided to be done..

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.. it sounds like a lot is happening for you (((((hugs)))))))))

if you did end your life, I imagine your boyfriend would be absolutely devistated. you posted that he helps you, he helps you because he cares and he would be so sad to see you do that to yourself. I know it seems like that's a good thing to do now, but it isn't. you would cause him lots of pain if you did that.

have you spoken to anyone professionally about how you are feeling?

I think that's a really good idea if you've not done so all ready- it sounds to me like you really are at the end of the rope, and you shouldn't have to go through that alone- their's lots of help out their if you want it.

it sounds to me that a good thing to do might be to get an appointment, discuss your issues, and see if they can give you a diagnoses. it sounds to me like you have a lot more than just depression going on

I mean you mentioned your body- that could be BDD, you mentioned highs and lows/ so maybe something like bipolar or borderline... none of us here can say. we're all just members like you seeking advice and offering support

the best thing to do is to speak to someone who can give you the proper help that you need

of course, we are always here on the forum if you need to talk to us

((((hugs))))