I have no diagnosis, but i am not ok

I am feeling sad and have lots of toxic thoughts most of the time.
these thoughts are haunting me. my mother told me nobody is going to accept me the way i am. nobody will be there for me. she told me i was a horrible person with a terrible personality, that nobody would ever be able to live with me. she told me i had to change. but there are parts of me that i can’t change. don’t get me wrong, from the perspective of today i can tell i was probably one of the nicest kids out there. and it was of no good for me. i was extremely obedient and conscious of the bad things i did. i had an extreme feeling of guilt. but in reality those were innocent mistakes nobody in their life must be blamed for. i blame now my father for not seeing that. i’ve turned into a bitter person. i am afraid people think i am too serious and negative.

if she saw me now she would say “stop your crying, i know you’re pretending, you don’t care”. because of that i can’t even cry out properly because i am asking myself whether she is right. i am living now far away from her and it should have gotten better, but i don’t understand why i can’t let it go. i have fallen in love with people but i always think i’m not good enough for them. i don’t believe if somebody compliments me. i get extremely upset because of my flaws and slightest embarrassments. sometimes i am completely unable to concentrate on my studies and work, my thoughts get out of control and my heartbeat is preventing me from sleep. at the same time i long for a contact, someone who would love, but a stranger, not a family member just because we’re family. i told my friend about and she told me i don't have to think it is something unusual and everybody is going through this, so i'm in doubt whether it is me overthinking.

i don’t want to go to therapist because of the costs and lack of time, and that would make me feel even more like a person who is complaining all the time, i want to think i am strong to get over it. Although i have other issues i’m struggling with, i had an eating disorder for many years now and once i drink i drink too much. i have a constant feeling of melancholy and that everything i do is meaningless after all.

Sorry if that was too much reading

Hello Shirley: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I would recommend reconsidering therapy. It can be very helpful to have someone help us work through what we are feeling. Hugs.

Welcome to PC

Shirley, hope you find the help you deserve. Take care

Hello. Welcome to PC. I agree with TheSadGirl...reconsidering therapy might be a good thing. Sending big hugs.