[shirleysourdough]

I am feeling sad and have lots of toxic thoughts most of the time.
these thoughts are haunting me. my mother told me nobody is going to accept me the way i am. nobody will be there for me. she told me i was a horrible person with a terrible personality, that nobody would ever be able to live with me. she told me i had to change. but there are parts of me that i can’t change. don’t get me wrong, from the perspective of today i can tell i was probably one of the nicest kids out there. and it was of no good for me. i was extremely obedient and conscious of the bad things i did. i had an extreme feeling of guilt. but in reality those were innocent mistakes nobody in their life must be blamed for. i blame now my father for not seeing that. i’ve turned into a bitter person. i am afraid people think i am too serious and negative.

if she saw me now she would say “stop your crying, i know you’re pretending, you don’t care”. because of that i can’t even cry out properly because i am asking myself whether she is right. i am living now far away from her and it should have gotten better, but i don’t understand why i can’t let it go. i have fallen in love with people but i always think i’m not good enough for them. i don’t believe if somebody compliments me. i get extremely upset because of my flaws and slightest embarrassments. sometimes i am completely unable to concentrate on my studies and work, my thoughts get out of control and my heartbeat is preventing me from sleep. at the same time i long for a contact, someone who would love, but a stranger, not a family member just because we’re family. i told my friend about and she told me i don't have to think it is something unusual and everybody is going through this, so i'm in doubt whether it is me overthinking.

i don’t want to go to therapist because of the costs and lack of time, and that would make me feel even more like a person who is complaining all the time, i want to think i am strong to get over it. Although i have other issues i’m struggling with, i had an eating disorder for many years now and once i drink i drink too much. i have a constant feeling of melancholy and that everything i do is meaningless after all.

Sorry if that was too much reading

[Skeezyks]

Hello Shirley: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I would recommend reconsidering therapy. It can be very helpful to have someone help us work through what we are feeling. Hugs.

[Teddy Bear]

Welcome to PC

[Saunder]

Shirley, hope you find the help you deserve. Take care

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I agree with TheSadGirl...reconsidering therapy might be a good thing. Sending big hugs.