[mulan]

This day has been insane. I think I will die at a young age, this anxiety is barely bearable. I don't know how I will survive my life.

So a summary: I am a radiology resident, I am starting my first year at what will be my main hospital for five years; I have social anxiety, avoidant and squizoid personality disorder... Social relationships are my biggest fear... I have been avoiding living by hiding myself in a cocoon. I am weird or I think I am, which is the same.

At the hospital every where I turn it is terrifying and I feel so lost, I haven't memorized the places very well. There I was knocking at the dressing room's door thinking it was the secretary's office, until someone asked what I was doing... I got with my pen stucked in my hair while talking with my tutor... I lost my mobile phone and I didn't notice it, when I came back to the hospital after lunch my tutor had it (I had been through many people's hands until they gave it to her... She asked me to lock the door, I did it, but left the keys in the locket.

The other first year resident was telling me I looked unhappy yesterday... Great! And she is being open with me and wants to do everything radiology related with me, just the two of us. I can't handle it. Also she has an oncologic disease still going through quimo with some relapsing probability and it scares me, I don't want to say the wrong think. She is what I call a cool rich person, very sociable with friends everywhere... I am only familiar with my cocoon and must confortable shutting down my emotions. She talks about going abroad for many months, just the two of us, and do things like partying... I don't want to deceive her and it is making me more anxious, but I am embarassed of my social reclusion.

Today has been nuts. I felt like throwing up, like fainting, I had to excuse myself and going home for lunch because I just needed a break.

Thanks for reading this, I needed to vent.

[little turtle]

wow....mulan..don't deceive yourself

[mulan]

Originally Posted by little turtle

wow....mulan..don't deceive yourself

I am sorry if I am disapointing someone. Or making someone look at me by a different, not good angle because of all the bad things I am doing.

I know it's probably not the case, but it makes me feel judge and foolish.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by mulan

I am sorry if I am disapointing someone. Or making someone look at me by a different, not good angle because of all the bad things I am doing.

I know it's probably not the case, but it makes me feel judge and foolish.

be true to yourself mulan.....and this is an opportunity to know about you..

[Fuzzybear]

(((((( Mulan )))))))

This forum isn’t a “competition” to get the most attention/validation.

I have found your posts to be honest and thoughtful

Be true to yourself, as little turtle said

[Skeezyks]

Well... I want to tell you that I'm nearing 70 years old! And I've lived my entire life with so much anxiety I don't know how I could have possibly hung on so long. (And I'm not particularly glad I did.) So, anyway, the point being... a person can live a l-o-n-g time with boatloads of stress! That doesn't mean everybody will. But it can happen.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I spent my working life doing work that required a lot of public contact often drowning in almost unbearable anxiety. And as a result, I was miserable much of the time & my work was frequently marginal at best. It wasn't worth it.

I don't know how old you are. But I presume you have a few working years ahead of you. Hopefully, as you become more familiar with your new surroundings, you'll settle down. But if you find you don't, I want to suggest to you that you think long & hard about where your career is going. Spending years trying survive in a job that keeps your anxiety level in overdrive, so to speak, may not kill you. But it certainly won't do you any good either. I wish you well...

[mountainstream]

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Skeezyks. Sending big hugs.

[mulan]

Thank you for the replies.

First days are harder...
One step at a time.

[MickeyCheeky]