[Vinpin]

I’m 52 and severely depressed over my relationship with my parents (in their late 70’s). My parents chose to move about 20 miles away from me 4 ½ years ago, which is what I wanted at the time so that it would be easier to care for them as they age. Thankfully, they were and continue to be healthy and independent – living on their own, driving themselves around, etc. Things were OK for a while, but the relationship went downhill over the course of last year, when my Mother became increasingly meddling and intrusive over my decisions regarding my family. My Mother has always been a miserable person, and is very controlling and manipulative to boot – she will “push my buttons” using direct statements, guilt trips, delusional logic, trying to blame me for own circumstances, denials of her own behavior and even leveraging my severe hearing loss as a reason for me “misunderstanding” her (she only did this once, I think ……)

My Mom’s behavior became unbearable in 2017 and, despite some more casual verbal requests to my Mom to stay out of my business, did not improve. In September, I decided to write a very direct letter to my parents, citing five different examples in 2017 when my Mom crossed the line. I told them both they needed to respect my decisions even if they did not agree with them – otherwise our relationship would be impacted. I also cited my Dad for standing back and just allowing all this to happen (he has spent his entire marriage being verbally abused and called names by my Mother). But, in the letter, I also assured them I loved them and would always be there for them. After the letter, I also decided to maintain less contact with them for the next month or so.


The letter didn’t go over too well with either of them. After several weeks, I heard nothing from them (we normally talk 2-3 times per week). In late October, I invited them to dinner at a restaurant, in hope of talking things out. At the dinner, my Mom seemed willing to talk calmly, but my Father had a public tirade, calling the letter disrespectful while scolding at me and waving his finger in my face. I decided to leave the restaurant, with my Dad yelling as I left “we’ll be out of here in 3-4 months”. I felt like a little child again.
Before the letter, coincidentally, my parents contracted to buy a new house in the same general area. In November, my sister told me they negotiated their way out of that contract, put their house up for sale, and planned to move out “west” - closer to our Colorado family. (The irony is, they hate the snow and cold, and for years said they would never move to Colorado).

Thanksgiving Dinner (again, my invitation) was at a restaurant, and was awkward but not combative. We didn’t see each other over Christmas, but spoke over the phone. The conversation was again awkward, but somehow we touched on their house being up for sale without an argument about things.

Tonight, my Mom texted me that the house sold, and that the closing was 2/6.

She said we would “surely” see each other before they leave. I texted back “OK”…. but find myself angered and upset all over again with this latest development. All I can think of is how I spent the 4 ½ years they lived nearby trying to be a good son and being supportive of them – and how none of that seems to matter to them. It’s one thing to argue and disagree about any topic ….. but to me, it’s a whole other level to literally pick up and move across the country, away from your son, under these circumstances without talking things out. We hear a lot about children estranging their parents ….. but what about parents estranging their children???

Part of me hates them, and could give a **** less about them for the rest of my life. Another side of me tells me I’m oversensitive, says they’re getting older, and need to just “grin and bear it” with them.
Any thoughts from you folks out there? Any ideas how I can fight off the depression from, basically, losing my parents???


-Vinpin

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like an open wound. When you’ve worked through the anger (for however long it takes) you could reach out to them again and try to talk it through since the estrangement is hurting you.

If the letter was why they moved, it seems like they overreacted or they are being over sensitive. You were being the good son by asking them out twice to discuss it and talking over Christmas. Keep trying. Best wishes.

[Rose76]

I think oversensitive is the wrong word. I'ld say you were unrealistic. That's not because I think the dynamics of your patents/son relationship can't change. It can. They didn't need to get all up out of your business. You needed to get them up out of your business. They need to meddle and be pains in the @$$es. That's what they need. But you don't have to be an easy target.

This is not the first thread where someone tried to improve stressful family dynamics by writing a letter . . . a reasonable, calm letter, putting cards on the table in an orderly manner and even expressing love and the heartfelt desire that things should be better. It never, never, ever works. Never. It just ramps up the defensiveness of the person(s) who receive the letter.

Your parents are never going to change. Don't bother asking them to. How the are is the only way they know how to be. But you can possibly modify their behavior somewhat by changing yours. Rather than writing a reasonable letter, it might be more effective to just blow up on them from time to time. The best way to do it is to not really get upset on the inside. Just get all upset on the outside. Then, about a month later, apologize for getting upset. Keep them completely confused about how you might react to button-pushing behavior. You've probably been too predictable all your life.

If your mother was successful at meddling in your management of your own family, then you are the one who needs to build and maintain effective boundaries. Your healthy boundaries don't depend on other people being respectful. They depend on you making them strong enough to withstand the pressure. If everyone was respectful, we wouldn't need to work very much on boundaries. Disrespectful people in our families do us the favor of motivating us to craft effective boundaries. And they find the weak spots and let us know where we need to reinforce the barricades. Think of it as a game and you can have fun with it. Sometimes all you need is a picket fence. Sometimes you need ramparts worthy of a medievil castle, surrounded by an alligator moat . . . with snipers patroling the parapets. If Mom is great at laying siege and breaching the battlements, then you just gotta up your game at fortifying the defenses. It's a learned skill. Work at it and you can only get better.

The "hate" you think you feel is your complete exasperation over how they always beat you at the game. That's only because you haven't been playing to win. Instead you think, "I shouldn't be going through this with my parents!" Wrong. To paraphrase Vice President Cheney, you've gotta deal with the parents you have, not the ones you wish you had.

I'm glad they're in good health. Someday they won't be. You didn't lose your parents. They will need you. Try not to predict the future. Wait and see what plays out. For now, the pressure of the constant meddling is lessened. Enjoy that. Your mother is not a likeable person, but you've chosen to love her. That takes character and strength on your part. Stick with it. It's a manly way to be. That doesn't mean you have to an easy target for her to take pot shots at. It's okay once in a while to say, "Hey Ma, knock it off."

[Vinpin]

Thanks for your response, Jennifer. I most likely will let it rest easy for now, and try to talk with them when I am less angry and emotional - like you say.

-Vinpin

[Vinpin]

Hi Rose76 -

Thanks so very much for your informative, wise response. I can tell you've seen this scenario before....

I see your point about the how useless a letter turns out to be - I agree completely. It was a different attempt at drawing boundaries that didn't work. Instead, I should have been more forceful with verbal responses when the boundaries were "breached", as you eloquently say.....

After my post last night, I was still so angered that I sent my Mom the following text (breaking my own rule of talking/texting when emotional):

"I lied to you on Christmas Eve when I said I wasn't upset about your moving out west. I'm very upset and hurt - this move was obviously your knee-jerk reaction to my letter - that's very clear. You could have read my letter with a more positive perspective, and then talked it out with me. Instead .... you've scolded me in public, ignored text messages (2), never reached out to talk it out, etc. You've both done an outstanding job of making a loving, caring son feel like a no good piece of ****........so, I won't lie again tonight, I don't see any reason why we "surely" need to see each other before you leave."

Based on your recommendations, it seems as though this emotional push back last night wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Already today, they've tried to call twice, and tried to get my spouse to intervene. I think it's best to leave it as is for now, until I am less angry and emotional. And then, as you say, I can come back in a month or so and try again with less anger - if possible (although I'm not sure I agree that I need to "apologize for getting upset")

Feel free to provide a little more commentary, based on the text I sent last night. But regardless.....you response was invaluable to me, and I will keep and read it over and over and over ....

Best wishes,

-Vinpin

[Rose76]

I would advize you to stop all writing for the purpose of trying to reach an understanding with them. The texting is just electronic letter-writing. I think it's just as futile.

There is an old saying that other people can't make you feel any particular way. I know that sounds cliche. And I know people certainly do affect how we feel. But there is truth in that saying. Your parents aren't making you feel like a P.O.S. Why should you? Here is what you're saying: "I can't feel okay about myself, unless you let me feel okay about myself." You are trying to make your parents feel guilty that they have destroyed your happiness. You are giving them way too much power. It makes me think that it's good they have moved far away. You are way too emotionally involved with them. I base that on you needing them to be a certain way before you can be happy. Move on with living your life and understand that they are never going to be the parents you have wished they were.

Vinpin, if there's one thing I've learned dealing with estranged siblings and parents, it's to expect major push-back from our toxic family members, when we finally stand up to them with healthy boundaries and realistic expectations. They don't want us to have healthy boundaries or realistic expectations with them, because 1) they don't respect us as a person and never will, no matter WHAT we do, and 2) because they don't want us to relinquish our role as the family scapegoat in the dysfunctional family system.

I've written letters like that to family my entire life with the same result you got; the family members I wrote to, pushed back and refused to give me what I asked them for (respect, healthy boundaries).

Your parents will never feel guilty for destroying your happiness. They don't respect you. They continue to manipulate you, because they exploit your vulnerability to meet their need to control you.

The best thing that you can do is to accept that your parents will never be the kind of parents that you deserve. They are the parents you are stuck with. I had to learn that the hard way with my parents and my siblings. My family is super dysfunctional and they will NEVER be the type of people I deserve to have as siblings and as parents (my father is deceased). It's very upsetting and I'm still grieving the loss of the family I deserve to have but didn't get.

It's futile to expect your parents to come around to you, and admit they have been wrong and have been bad parents to you. If you have a strong emotional support system around you outside of your sister and your parents, rely on those people for emotional support only.

It stinks that your parents are jerks to you. But they will never change, unfortunately. Stop giving away your power to them. Stop feeding the wrong wolf (a quote from one of my favorite movies, "Tomorrowland").

[Vinpin]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I would advize you to stop all writing for the purpose of trying to reach an understanding with them. The texting is just electronic letter-writing. I think it's just as futile.

There is an old saying that other people can't make you feel any particular way. I know that sounds cliche. And I know people certainly do affect how we feel. But there is truth in that saying. Your parents aren't making you feel like a P.O.S. Why should you? Here is what you're saying: "I can't feel okay about myself, unless you let me feel okay about myself." You are trying to make your parents feel guilty that they have destroyed your happiness. You are giving them way too much power. It makes me think that it's good they have moved far away. You are way too emotionally involved with them. I base that on you needing them to be a certain way before you can be happy. Move on with living your life and understand that they are never going to be the parents you have wished they were.

OK - I got it. I am too emotionally involved in this ... and desperate for them to change. It's not going to happen .... and I'm letting it get the best of me. It probably goes all the way back to my childhood of wanting their attention, acceptance and affirmation, and for the most part not getting it. And, a continued self-doubt on my part.

I will move on, with less emotional attachment to them and more belief in the boundaries I'm setting.

Thanks so much!!!!

-Vinpin

Marriage is not for everybody OP

[Rose76]

You mention having a family of your own, so I take it you have a spouse and children. Your role as spouse and/or father has to be way more the focus of your attention than your role as son. It sounds like your parents are pretty comfortable financially and can take care of themselves. So tend to your own household. That's where I hope you can build the life you want.