[runlola72]

Hi,
I'm new to the Depression forum, though Depression has been part of my life for a long time, along with anxiety. I just started a new job that is proving overwhelming to me and I'm not sure I'll be able to hack it. In fact, I'm sure I'll fail. I feel like, while I'm not there yet, that ending it is inevitable for me. I think that this job, this world is too much for me too handle. I realize this could be the anxiety talking. I feel like when I talk about SI, my psychologist who I have seen for 2 years, doesn't really address it. So I've stopped bringing it up. He sees me as more successful than I feel because I got thru a challenging grad program and into a good career. But i give myself 2 months before I get fired and I can't live with the shame of having spent 100,000 on school for a career that I can't even do. I feel really down. And really anxious. Thanks for letting me vent.
Lola

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by runlola72

Hi,
I'm new to the Depression forum, though Depression has been part of my life for a long time, along with anxiety. I just started a new job that is proving overwhelming to me and I'm not sure I'll be able to hack it. In fact, I'm sure I'll fail. I feel like, while I'm not there yet, that ending it is inevitable for me. I think that this job, this world is too much for me too handle. I realize this could be the anxiety talking. I feel like when I talk about SI, my psychologist who I have seen for 2 years, doesn't really address it. So I've stopped bringing it up. He sees me as more successful than I feel because I got thru a challenging grad program and into a good career. But i give myself 2 months before I get fired and I can't live with the shame of having spent 100,000 on school for a career that I can't even do. I feel really down. And really anxious. Thanks for letting me vent.
Lola

I was talking (phone meets) and emailing with a therapist for a year and I had the same experience regarding SI. I had it constantly for 10 months and I felt the therapist could not or would not validate my experience. I finally banished the SI using cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) tools...but in the new year it has come back to haunt me...and now I am not talking to anyone about it because I terminated with the therapist...and let's face it, no one seems to be able to deal with SI. Personally I think SI should be addressed and not ignored as it is a sign of intense pain, right? In fact, I am at this moment working on a freelance article on SI...because all you see is stuff online about prevention...but not how to manage SI. I also feel there should be more compassion towards those who have SI...instead of ignoring it...which is, to my way of thinking, the same as invalidation.

I also felt my therapist assumed I was just a "normal" having a bit of a life problem because I too went through a vigorous grad program. However, presently I am under-achieving, and unemployed. I hope you stick with the job because even if there is a lot of pressure...the pressure of not working and with student loans...is terrible.

Personally I am starting to view myself as "treatment resistant" and I can't give much advice on therapy since I have given up on it.

I purchased a lot of books on how to handle anxiety. Because I have it big time. I don't think the therapist helped me much. Telling me to "drink a glass of cold water" when I felt anxious was...so patronizing as not to be believed.

You might consider gathering materials (from books, online, etc.) and creating a personalized program that works for you. Because it sounds like you aren't getting the kind of support you need from outside of yourself.

I think you can build coping skills and develop more resilience. Having been in a vigorous grad program you probably know how to structure and implement. I encourage you to do this for yourself. It will strengthen you and maybe help you get through the early trials of this job. Do your best...and then let fate have its way. Most of all you want to promote peace within yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this most difficult situation. I also managed to successfully complete a graduate school program, many years ago now, only to struggle along with trying to successfully negotiate the realities of the world of work.

One of the things I know is that continually trying to fight your way along in a profession you're not suited for is a prescription for ongoing unhappiness & despair. So, while I can understand your despair, I would also like to at least suggest that perhaps, if you do get fired or resign from your current position, this can be the beginning of something new & positive. I know that's easy to say. But I'd like to believe it's true & it's what I have to offer.