here I am...........

I always thought I did so well. It was hell growing up in a dysfuctional family. Somehow I beat the odds. Always the strong willed one that kept everything together, the leader. I went to college. The first one on my mom's side of the family. I am a teacher, have more now than I ever did growing up in a trailer. "Wow" I used to think when I compared my life to those of my friends from highschool that had babies before graduation. Somehow though I am not happy, have never been. I can be irritable, always taking it out on the ones I love the most. Rages are not uncommon, the most recent one ended with my finger being broken. The counselor asked "have you ever thought about anti depressants?" heck I never thought I was depressed. I am the success story, strong willed, the one that went against the odds and made it. "Why is this lady concerned that I don't trust anyone?" I thought. "Many times children that grow up in situations like yours have trouble regulating seratonin levels" she said. I agreed to call my doctor and will tomorrow. I need to get my finger Xrayed anyways.

Meachie

That is good that you will be following through with your counselor. No matter how strong willed and sucessful we are, anyone of us can get depression.
I was always the the "strongest" in my family, I have 2 older brothers, we are 10 and 8 years apart, I am the baby (47 years old, no more baby) and in 1999 I was Dxed with depression and other stuff, it happens.
I hope you will continue to still view yourself strong willed and keeping it together, I admire your accomplishment(s) I also feel confident that by you exploring this you will get to the core and if things turn out that you should try AD's, give it a go, it may be of help to you.
Are you in the pre-menopausal stage of life, if so I find this can mess up our minds a bit, you know the hormone stuff, it can really contribute to depression, mood swings, amongst other "stuff".
I wish you luck, and remember to drop by here anytime, there is always someone around, you'll find a lot of terrific people here, many have helped me out, they are very supportive.
Please take care now,

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

DE,

Thanks for your reply. I am 27, so I don't think that premenapause is an issue. I am on birth control pills. I know that they have been known to cause hormonal problems. My appt is on Friday. It seems worlds away, especially now that I am aware of the symptoms and know that I am experiencing them. Today was pretty tough, I just finished a grad course last week and am on summer vacation. Today was a blob of nothingness. I just couldn't seem to get motivated to do anything. The most simple things are just too difficult. I did go to the library and found some books on depression and one for hubby called when someone you love is depressed. I am hoping these will help us out.

Meachie

Hi, I did the rage thing like nuts for a few weeks. I felt like I could hurt someone! They called it agitated depression. The first thing that got better with the new meds was the rage. Thankfully. So good luck and hope your finger turns out okay.

WELCOME to the board, Meachie...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Welcome, Meachie.

I broke my finger 4 weeks ago. After that I was really really down. My finger is supposed to be getting better and is but it is such a slow process. Hubby and I started seeing a counselor right after. He and I have a lot of issues with who is doing what around the house. We have much different standards. With perfectionist tendancies it seems nothing hubby does is up to par. I am unable to keep up with thinking about everything. He lets me take responsibility for most things. It is still hard for me to see that I am depressed since I can function and have done so well. I thought it would be significantly different from my "normal". I have always had issues even as a child with irritability and rage. For a while I was into alcohol and drugs. I never sought treatment just decided enough was enough and quit. I am wondering if this is something that I have always had and just didn't know. Also I wonder what my life would be like now if I had dealt with this a long time ago. If I can function this well while depressed I am imagining I could do much better if I felt good about myself. I found out yesterday I got As on both the grad classes I took. This was with a broken finger! I am really looking forward to getting better. Many of my symptoms are in line with dysthymia. Does anyone else have this diagnosis? I know I am not bipolar, my depression is much more mild and I definately do not have a mania stage. My dad is diagnosed with bipolar and he and I are like night and day. Thanks for the replies! I really feel like I can relate to so many people and posts here. It is a good feeling to know I am not alone, because I often do feel this way.

Meachie

Doctor put me on Paxil today. I am hoping that this will help me. I have been feeling so down, like I have lumps of blah in my tummy. It was so hard to go to the dr. today I was so afraid I was just going to break down and start sobbing. Hubby hasn't been too supportive, no sympathy at all. Sometimes I wish I hadn't insisted that we go to counseling. I want our marriage to work, but I guess I just wanted an easy fix. I am so afraid that I may lose a part of me on these meds. I do like my self.......jeez I have been through hell and back and made it! I don't want to lose that. I have to go and pick up my dad tomorrow in another state.........wish i could just crawl into a hole until these meds start to work. I also wish hubby would grown into a compassionate human but I don't think my meds are going to help that. I am also afraid......that I may finally have the strength to call it quits on the marriage! I don't want that........but who knows what I will do? jeez this is scary..........

a step at a time. Take care of you, see drs, take your meds, etc.
But one thing at a time.

Be kind and patient with yourself. and keep on talking to us

gab

Good luck on the paxil

I am still on it after 4 years now. Late 2000 I started on it. The most frightening times have been when I ran out of it and could not get to the pharmacy for my refill, or when I had failed to call my doctor to renew the prescription. Those 1-2 day periods (which I have caused for myself a few times) that I was without it were the most awful time in my life. I am sure you have heard of the withdrawal problems there is with this medication. It is real. For me personally it seemed as though every human thought in my mind and body left me. I was aware of what was going on and just had to tough out the time until I could get the med back into my system again.. For me, who I can only speak for, I am still trying to understand the inhuman feeling. The appearance of humans even was very startling to me and I did not understand it at all. The other symptoms of being without the paxil was lack of balance, high sensistivity to noise and the feeling of being dizzy but sober, if that is understandable. My symptoms I feel though may have been amplified since I had in addition to my normal doses of paxil, been abusing an otc sedative (diphenhydramine hcl or benadryl, whichever you prefer to call it). So, the point of me typing all of this is just to inform you, a teacher and one who I presume may have a lot of people that look up to you and/or observe you, that there could be serious effects if you decided to or mistakenly stop taking this. Hope I was of some insight to you. Take care.

-Matthew
23, New Jersey

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Well I started Paxil last week. The first couple days were very difficult. I couldn't sleep at all and finally decided to take a benadryl before bed. Also I felt like I was going crazy in a way. I am starting to feel better. The lumps of blah seem to be gone and I don't feel like everything is too difficult. I have read a lot of info on the internet and now realize what I have gotten myself into being on this stuff. Matthew thanks for the info, I can't believe the dr. didn't tell me about the withdrawal from this stuff! Actually she didn't tell me much of anything just gave me the samples and sent me on my "merry" way. Things are mellowing out and I know I am going to have to stay on this for quite a while.

Hung in there, the adjusting period to the meds is hard but you'll feel better.

keep up the good work.

gab

Good luck with the Paxil, Meachie!

Take care,
Fuzzy

I agree with what the others have said. If you can get through the intial period of the gross side effects then you can do anything!

Stay strong,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>