[Abazor]

I apologize for the excessively long introduction, and if any of my writing is incoherent or weird, but i feel i need to provide an extensive backstory of myself to hopefully achieve a better understanding of my current situation.

So all my life I have had mental health issues, being diagnosed with both ADHD and OCD at a young age. My ADHD has decreased in severity since I was young, but my OCD continues to plague me, and i constantly perform little patterns and rituals in my head to drive away bad thoughts. I have always been a shy person and a few years back i developed paranoia that people in public are watching or judging me, and I dread going out in public alone, or embarrassing myself in or looking stupid around people, as well as having very little confidence or self esteem in practically all social situations. To cope with this fear when I think people are watching, i like to have thoughts in my head that I consider cool or "bada**" as to feel less embarrassed. I performed poorly in school, my grades were almost always mediocre or poor, barely passing courses several times and going to summer school for math junior year. I had friends here and there, although we never spoke or saw each other outside school, if we didn't have classes together, we would typically stop speaking, and some of them would make fun of or say messed up stuff about me for laughs among me,and now that I graduated and moved to Virginia, I have no one at all. I have frequent habits of pacing around while listening to music, and talk to myself frequently, sometimes reciting past conversations or things I've said, even those of other people. Although i only take them once or twice a week, l also have have a severe issue with taking long showers, mainly being that I always feel the urge to masturbate while taking them them, and if i hit my penis on anything after doing it, I believe in my head it has become "contaminated", and i will have to rewash an area if my body hits it, typically leading to me being inside for over two hours and unessecarily hurting our water bills. I constantly feel worthless and pathetic, that I'll never amount to anything in life, and will doing poor in college and working a crappy job for the rest of my days. Though I have never attempted it nor self harmed, I think about suicide often and make myself believe I'd be better off dead. For these reasons I am 18 and have no job, nor do I drive. I never leave the house unless my parents accompany me somewhere, and most days I just sit away on my computer or phone.These factors have led me and my family to believe that I may also have an anxiety disorder or depression. Despite all this, I felt pretty content and comfortable in life, as i have understanding parents who truly love and care for me, whom i enjoy doing stuff with, and want me to see a therapist to attend to these issues and improve my motivation. Electronics help me escape from reality and provide me entertainment and happiness, at this point my life is practically all youtube and google. But anyways, onto the current issue...

So on Saturday evening, I was just sitting on our couch, lounging away on my phone as usual, when out of nowhere a tidal wave of random sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety overcame me, and for the past 3 days I have been suffering from these feelings constantly:

•That the activities I typically enjoy such as playing games, watching videos, googling stuff, and pacing around with music are no longer interesting or distracting
Feeling like I'll be interested in something at first, then feeling otherwise immediately afterwards.
•Feeling like I've woke up as a different person or in a different world
•The urge to have someone around me, to talk to and to keep me feeling alright, despite the fact I loved to be alone before
•The urge to go outside for walks or go out places with my parents to distract my mind
•That my derogatory OCD thoughts and anxiety around people in public seem to have become less severe
•The feeling I'll break down crying or that I'm losing my mind and that something horrible will happen, like being admitted to a pysch ward
•Flucuating levels of anxiety based on other symptoms

I also have been physically impacted by this whole ordeal, with crippling symptoms such as:

•Racing Heart
•Shortness of breath and feeling weak when struggling to breathe
•Choked up or Closed/Tight throat feeling (burping seems to help?)
•Loss of appetite
•Gagging when trying to eat
•Inadequate and irregular sleep

The first night, I told my parents how I felt, and so we decided to go for a walk around our apartment complex and out to a few places to help get my mind off these feelings. Though I felt awful in the car at first and pretty much couldn't breathe, I eventually did feel better, and we went home, and I felt alright for the night, though my heart was still pounding.

The next morning my mom woke me up and had me try to eat some eggs, I had a little but couldn't stomach eating them all. I noticed my heart was really fast and was feeling highly weak and anxious, She decided I should go to the hospital, and my dad came home from work to take me, I felt horrible on the car ride there, my heart was pounding super fast, and was so short of breathe, I opened the car window for air, but to no avail. When we got to the ER, I felt really weak as we walked in, and when we told them the situation they had me sit down and take my pulse and BP. My entire body then starting tingling and going numb, and I was literally lisping when I tried to speak. They rolled me into a room and performed an EKG, and my pulse was 175 beats per minute. I started to feel calmer, The tingling, numbness, lispx and weakness faded, and they then rolled me into a regular room, had me lay down and hooked me up to a heart monitor and a pulse ox. First they had me describe my condition and what I felt was wrong with me, then they preformed an X Ray of my Lungs which turned out totally healthly, they then put an IV inside of me, drew some blood to conduct some tests (CBC, CMP, Thyroid) which all turned out fine, and then gave me some fluids for hydration as well as a medicine called ativan to calm me.Though I flucuated between calm and worked up while laying on the bed, my average heart rate was about 119. They diagnosed it as a panic attack, prescribed me some ativan in pill form, and I was released. We ordered pizza and wings for the super bowl, and I actually had the appetite to have a slice and four wings, and for the rest of that night felt pretty decent.

Yesterday I woke up feeling tense again, so my mom gave me an ativan to relieve the tension, I can't say for certain it really helped. She took me out with her for a smoothie and some errands, and I mostly felt alright, but when we got home and made dinner (sloppy joes) I started gagging when I tried to eat.

Funny enough, I had my first doctors appointment in the state the morning before I started feeling like this,at my appointment I told my doctor that I am highly socially awkward and often feel down on myself, and she prescribed me Prozac to help provide relief. Despite this "change of mind" I've had, we decided taking it will still be very helpful in this regard, as these symptoms are still very reminiscent of depression and anxiety.

I was able to get some food down by chewing and then sipping some water, but only ate about half of a sandwich. I went for another walk with my mom to distract myself, and we later went shopping that night. I felt nauseous in the store and wasn't very interested in choosing many groceries for myself, and when we got home I still felt anxious and restless, and didn't attempt to eat more. I tried going on my computer, but felt no interest and like I would start hopelessly crying. So i chilled on the couch with my mom with headphones in and tried to relax.My parents had been offering to let me sleep in their room for the past few nights if I felt uncomfortable, and so I decided to finally accept. They moved my air mattress inside (We threw out my old bed when we moved and haven't gotten a new one yet), and at first I felt pretty comfortable. Then they turned the lights off and that's when my heart started to pound and the anxiety started to return. I listened to a few more videos with my headphones and then eventually fell asleep.

I woke up at around 6:30 this morning feeling crappy, my heart racing and throat feeling closed, my dad eventually got up for work and I decided to lay in bed with my mom. She works night shifts at the hospital I previously went to from 7 to 7, 3 days a week, and was off yesterday. I weighed myself this morning and discovered I was 126 pounds, which concerned me as I was 130 at the doctors a few days back. My height is currently at 5'9, and I found out my BMI is underweight for my range. I went ahead and took another ativan. She made me some soup, which I was able to slowly eat. I went ahead and took a shower. My throat felt closed up again, and i had no urge to masturbate, and went straight ahead washing myself. After getting out, I started aggressively gagging. I decided to take another walk, and then went in their bedroom and relaxed. My dad got home from work and made dinner for himself, but I didn't eat as I still had no appetite. My mom left for work, and without her i feel quite lonely and anxious.

So basically, I felt perfectly normal and fine with life up until this random change of mood. Im completely unaware of what caused this and why I feel so doom and gloom, and though I was diagnosed as having a panic attack while at the hospital, That doesn't explain why I've been experiencing all these symptoms and feelings since the night before and why I still am. I am seriously afraid that something has snapped in my mind, and that I may actually be losing my sanity. Im concerned that i may actually have a heart disorder or something else, and am afraid I'll keep losing weight considering my tight throat and loss of appetite, and that I'll have to be force fed with a feeding tube. The fact that the things I enjoy doing aren't helping me, and that it's so hard for me to relax is really scary. Clearing my mind certainly doesn't seem to be helping, as the feelings in my head simply won't leave, and I'm terrified that they will continue to plague me forever. My parents set up an appointment for a therapist next Monday, but I have struggled immensely getting through the past few days, and I'm scared I may not make it till then. If anyone on here could perhaps attempt to diagnose what is wrong with me and recommend advice or treatment options I should take, it would mean the absolute world to me, as I've never wanted anything as badly as to recover from this. Thank you for reading, and best regards

Abazor.

hi, and welcome to the forum

let me say this: none of us can actually diagnose you. we're all just like you, looking for support- not professionals.

when you were diagnosed a panic attack, did you mention what you wrote here about the mood?. if not, do you think that's something you could do?

honestly, any number of things could be wrong- and the best advice is to keep seeing professionals about it, keep talking to them, and see what they say.

the gagging could be anything too. it could be because of anxiety (I know I gag when I'm anxious), it could be due to a med you're on, it could be something as simple as not liking the food, or the prospect that's coming up.

gagging can be triggered by smells too

is their a smell you don't like (maybe eggs), that you smell in those situations that triggers it?

can you smell the food from the kitchen from the bathroom area?

one of the things that causes my depression sometimes is knowing that I've wasted so much of my life, and I could have done so much more

like you, I spent a lot of time on the computer, listening to music, watching TV... could that be a factor?

could it be that in your heart you know you want to do more, and you want to do something diffrent, but in reality you don't know what, or what, if anything, will give you that happyness?

good luck and keep posting here

SS

something I want to add too in regards to the gagging, another thing that causes it for me is rushing and going too fast

do you rush sometimes?. a little to fast?

[ncrust]

Most, if all of our problems are because of lack of spiritual life. For example, try to read 10 Psalms this morning. From 1 to 10 and see what a change you will fill in your heart and inner world. I am very serious about this.

[Abazor]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

something I want to add too in regards to the gagging, another thing that causes it for me is rushing and going too fast

do you rush sometimes?. a little to fast?

I definitely haven't been rushing, although my anxiety has made me feel quite restless and stressed. When I was nervous about things in the past, this would happen as well, I felt a lump/tight feeling in my throat, and when I tried to eat, I would gag, so this isn't the first time I've endured this. But this current case has been happening for nearly 5 days now...

[Abazor]

Originally Posted by ncrust

Most, if all of our problems are because of lack of spiritual life. For example, try to read 10 Psalms this morning. From 1 to 10 and see what a change you will fill in your heart and inner world. I am very serious about this.

I respect your input and personal beliefs, and don't intend any offense towards you, but I'm afraid I'm not religious. Thank you anyways.

Originally Posted by ncrust

Most, if all of our problems are because of lack of spiritual life. For example, try to read 10 Psalms this morning. From 1 to 10 and see what a change you will fill in your heart and inner world. I am very serious about this.

I imagine this might work for some people, not for everyone though

I do disagree with the statement most of our problems are caused by this, because while their are a lot of religious and spiritual people, their's a lot of people that arn't