[wisewoman]

It took a long time to see that I was becoming very severely depressed. A lot of stuff has happened in my job in the last year, not good, and a lot of family crises. I always thought that if I could do things well enough, be good enough that I would be safe, appreciated. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way and I am learning to change my thinking on it. I am learning to say that I do the best I can and that has to be good enough. Always way too much effort into work cause there is always unmet need. Too much effort into trying to be perfect so I'd be safe. But my job became unsafe. I was scrutinized with a microscope and audited etc. It was the final straw. I went to my doc who took me off the lexapro I had been taking for quite a while. She wondered if it was making it worse. Well, over the next few weeks I sank like a brick and was barely able to function. Temper, anxiety and major depression. So then she puts me on prozac, by now I had figured out that I needed a leave of absence from work and was waiting for my big boss to return from Italy. I have had issues with my immediate supervisor to the point where I feel like she knows where I am vulnerable and stabs at me. Well, I met with the big boss and told her everything. she was my super for 14 years. I told her about how work was effecting me and how my super was affecting me etc. She said that we would have to figure out how to work together after my leave. Well, 8 weeks later I am going back to work on Monday and I'm scared as hell. How to catch up, how to deal with the issues with the immediate super, and my newly found goal of how to say enough is enough. I have done enough, I choose not to do more. I will choose to care for myself. Being perfect does not equal safety and someone will always be displeased with me. Also, my not being good enough does not cause the bad things in my life to happen. It's hard to get into words, but this is what I am up to. Will return on the 19th and see where to go. T says I can do it or the option is disability. She said I had/have a very severe major depression. I still don't feel normal, whatever that is. But I do feel like I am making progress. I need to go cautiously with the job. I am afraid I will get sucked right back in. So, will you guys here help me monitor that I am having good boundaries and taking care of myself? I know, these are biggies. Wish me luck.

[Fuzzybear]

Good luck with returning to work on Monday. I will be thinking of you ((((((((((((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))))))))))))


<div class="foot">(Edited by Fuzzybear on 07/15/04 01:57 PM.)</div>

[mj14]

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I had very similar work issues that exascerbated my depression as well. I wasn't out quite as long - I missed two weeeks while I was in a partial hospital program - but I did have medical restrictions when I came back. And my immediate supervisor was very harsh with me, making my recovery harder.

So, I know what you're going through, and I've pretty much made it through to the other side. And I'll be here for you, to do anything I can to help you get through, too.

Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

[Wants2Fly]

This is a tough situation.

I empathize. I was in a job for way too long that included immense scrutiny, a two-faced supervisor, and a mate who would only say that I was "spoiled" -- because HE was the only one in the relationship allowed to have work complaints.

It not only triggered depression that has lasted for years, it triggered a physical illness.

It's hard not to read negative in the request for meeting -- but maybe this super who has been your friend in the past honestly does want to help you re-enter smoothly. Is that possible?

My prayers and love go with you.

[wisewoman]

I'm just worrying sick. I feel like I am trapped and can't trust myself. For all I know the super wants to catch up and check in. Why am I being so freaked? This is how I get so stuck.