But I feel awful. I often feel the need to place myself under house arrest, you know? even though I could have a good time outside seeing things... I want to feel my depression fully... just let it sink in. I don't know if I cope or dismiss. I just want to feel it, maybe I'm a masochist but it makes me feel better.

And I may or may not have issues with food. I feel awful partly because I don't like the idea that I might be staying here for a while. I haven't stayed in the same place for more than half a year for a long time. life is like a sinkhole, I need to be on the move. I was sure I was going to SI last night but I fell asleep. for the past couple of days I've woken up feeling like SI'ing, todays the same. I feel like I'm already dead. and I wish I could have a hug. I wish I could have a dad. predictable daddy issues.

never mind.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry. If you feel suicidal I think you might want to talk with your psychiatrist. Can you recall when exactly you started to feel this way?

[Onward2wards]

In my opinion (and experience!) triggers exist for a reason. I've learned to examine my reactions and thoughts, and ask myself "what's really going on? Is there something I'm afraid of? Is there something I need? Do I even know how to get that right now?". I'm finding these questions very useful.

I think most people live on "autopilot" to some degree and have scripted responses most of the time. That's normal, we'd never learn anything or be able to function otherwise. However, it is useful to examine those scripts from time to time.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

But I feel awful. I often feel the need to place myself under house arrest, you know? even though I could have a good time outside seeing things... I want to feel my depression fully... just let it sink in. I don't know if I cope or dismiss. I just want to feel it, maybe I'm a masochist but it makes me feel better.

And I may or may not have issues with food. I feel awful partly because I don't like the idea that I might be staying here for a while. I haven't stayed in the same place for more than half a year for a long time. life is like a sinkhole, I need to be on the move. I was sure I was going to SI last night but I fell asleep. for the past couple of days I've woken up feeling like SI'ing, todays the same. I feel like I'm already dead. and I wish I could have a hug. I wish I could have a dad. predictable daddy issues.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry. If you feel suicidal I think you might want to talk with your psychiatrist. Can you recall when exactly you started to feel this way?

lonely since school started, maybe since I was 3.

ashamed since 4.

alone since kindergarten years (5?). I never minded when my father was gone for long stretches of time. but my mother leaving every night and not coming back made me feel alone, until I couldn't feel anything anymore. never was too good at the whole being someone's kid thing. wasn't any help emotionally or socially to my mother. she let me know that. dramatic.

lack of faith and suicidal since those years too. maybe 8. what use is it to curse god, and scream and cry?

stranded since 11.

my timeline isn't too accurate, for all I know, everything happened all at the same time, since I was a baby. but of course I can't remember when I was really little.

anyway I don't have a psychiatrist, I don't want medication. maybe I'd get a therapist so I don't bother people in my real life, but I'd rather have a hug first. I feel alone and wrong, and no amount of competence or qualifications could help me. I have no emotions, I have been empty my entire life.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( emptynightmare ))))))))

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

lonely since school started, maybe since I was 3.

ashamed since 4.

alone since kindergarten years (5?). I never minded when my father was gone for long stretches of time. but my mother leaving every night and not coming back made me feel alone, until I couldn't feel anything anymore. never was too good at the whole being someone's kid thing. wasn't any help emotionally or socially to my mother. she let me know that. dramatic.

lack of faith and suicidal since those years too. maybe 8. what use is it to curse god, and scream and cry?

stranded since 11.

my timeline isn't too accurate, for all I know, everything happened all at the same time, since I was a baby. but of course I can't remember when I was really little.

anyway I don't have a psychiatrist, I don't want medication. maybe I'd get a therapist so I don't bother people in my real life, but I'd rather have a hug first. I feel alone and wrong, and no amount of competence or qualifications could help me. I have no emotions, I have been empty my entire life.