[TorturedSoul92]

I’ve been struggling with depression & anxiety for over 6 years. I began seeing a therapist in 2013 and got on Wellbutrin in the summer of 2014. Since then, I’ve graduated from college, I worked for a couple years while studying & preparing for the LSAT, and I enrolled in law school last fall.
Once I got accepted into law school and moved out of my parents’ house & away from some family dysfunction, I felt great. I approached my studies last semester with everything in me; spent countless hours in the library, and despite the fact that this experience was very stressful, I thought I’d got into the rhythm of things... until my final exams. Law school exams account for nearly 100% of each grade & my school does not release grades until nearly month after you’ve taken the finals. So that stress along with dealing with the daily struggle of something as simple as getting up in the morning, hit me like a ton of bricks. Then I got my grades & I underperformed. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done academically. It’s almost as if everything I previously learned in school is useless! Anyways, the grades that I got last semester totally shot my confidence. I think about failing way too much. I’ve missed a few classes, my classmates & professors notice the changes in my behavior and my demeanor & everything is just crumbling around me & I don’t know how to stop it! My new therapist is teaching me different grounding techniques & ways to acknowledge my feelings but honestly, I just wanna crawl up into a ball & be left alone. One of my classmates that I hung out with a lot last semester told me that she didn’t know what was causing this “breakdown” but this isn’t me. All I could think was “actually, this is me. It’s just another side of me that you haven’t experienced until now.” I am terrified of failing. Terrified of letting myself down, letting my family down, letting my past consume me. I don’t know what to do. The reason I named this post “What is wrong with me” is because I feel so friggin ridiculous for feeling the way that I do, for not being motivated. I know that there are people who would kill to have this opportunity & I’m throwing it away out of fear that isn’t even real! & I know I should be allowing myself to feel, but it’s so hard when it’s so crippling.
Anyways, thank you for allowing me to vent & I apologize for the length of the post.

[Sassandclass]

Originally Posted by TorturedSoul92

I’ve been struggling with depression & anxiety for over 6 years. I began seeing a therapist in 2013 and got on Wellbutrin in the summer of 2014. Since then, I’ve graduated from college, I worked for a couple years while studying & preparing for the LSAT, and I enrolled in law school last fall.

Once I got accepted into law school and moved out of my parents’ house & away from some family dysfunction, I felt great. I approached my studies last semester with everything in me; spent countless hours in the library, and despite the fact that this experience was very stressful, I thought I’d got into the rhythm of things... until my final exams. Law school exams account for nearly 100% of each grade & my school does not release grades until nearly month after you’ve taken the finals. So that stress along with dealing with the daily struggle of something as simple as getting up in the morning, hit me like a ton of bricks. Then I got my grades & I underperformed. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done academically. It’s almost as if everything I previously learned in school is useless! Anyways, the grades that I got last semester totally shot my confidence. I think about failing way too much. I’ve missed a few classes, my classmates & professors notice the changes in my behavior and my demeanor & everything is just crumbling around me & I don’t know how to stop it! My new therapist is teaching me different grounding techniques & ways to acknowledge my feelings but honestly, I just wanna crawl up into a ball & be left alone. One of my classmates that I hung out with a lot last semester told me that she didn’t know what was causing this “breakdown” but this isn’t me. All I could think was “actually, this is me. It’s just another side of me that you haven’t experienced until now.” I am terrified of failing. Terrified of letting myself down, letting my family down, letting my past consume me. I don’t know what to do. The reason I named this post “What is wrong with me” is because I feel so friggin ridiculous for feeling the way that I do, for not being motivated. I know that there are people who would kill to have this opportunity & I’m throwing it away out of fear that isn’t even real! & I know I should be allowing myself to feel, but it’s so hard when it’s so crippling.

Anyways, thank you for allowing me to vent & I apologize for the length of the post.

My heart goes out to you
Honestly, it sounds like you are in a very stressful environment and an intense time period in your life.

Have you considered the idea that you may be being extremely hard on yourself? And that you don’t recognize it because you’ve ALWAYS been hard on yourself?

I may be wrong, but throughout your post (which talks about past and present) you seem to be indicating that you’re ashamed of your struggles. Ashamed of the fact that there’s this “other part” of you. Is it possible that this shame has lead you to attach your self esteem to your academic success?

If so, it would make sense that things would start to feel like they are crumbling around you if you felt your academic career was in peril (because then it would feel like your whole identity and self esteem were under attack).

[MickeyCheeky]

I have your same struggles I go to university and I feel overwhelmed. I'm so afraid to disappoint my family.. it's so hard. So I understand

[SparkySmart]

TBH, I see your response as normal. How could you NOT be disappointed? You MUST not allow yourself to be derailed now...

Clearly you're intelligent, maybe even brilliant. You don't say that you "failed," only that you could have done better.

You CAN DO this, TorturedSoul. All is not lost. You have what it takes. Your professors know this, too.

I volunteer to be your cheerleader.

[cool09]

I fell apart one semester. I had trouble taking tests because I became easily distracted by people sneezing, books shutting, pages turning. I failed two classes and got two D's. I had a nervous breakdown the following semester and left school. Things can change quickly. I tried to get help on-campus but MH treatment was non-existent.

[Wild Coyote]

You have been, by your account, quite an achiever! Congrats on your successes!

You've written you are having trouble getting out of bed, while on Wellbutrin. It may be time for a med adjustment/change?

Is there time for a balanced life while in law school? Is there time to take care of yourself? Exercise? Eat balanced meals? Recreate with friends? Etc?

I'd suggest making your life as balanced as possible and seeing the psychiatrist about meds. Do you see a therapist? Seeing a therapist might be very supportive to you?

I hope you can get on top of this feeling.
Doing so may take a multi-pronged approach.

Keep posting!

Please take care.

WC

[Candy1955]

I understand your story. i have this part of me that is depressed and anxious, but i have learned to let that part hide while the other part of me gets the job done, baby steps, one foot in front of the other, until i can finish all the tasks at hand and get home to my other half, fall into bed. Most days, that is. I, if you can do it. It is functional depression, yes, but can help keep you on track til other helps can be found.

[TorturedSoul92]

I may be wrong, but throughout your post (which talks about past and present) you seem to be indicating that you’re ashamed of your struggles. Ashamed of the fact that there’s this “other part” of you. Is it possible that this shame has lead you to attach your self esteem to your academic success?

If so, it would make sense that things would start to feel like they are crumbling around you if you felt your academic career was in peril (because then it would feel like your whole identity and self esteem were under attack).[/QUOTE]

I think it’s true that much of my self esteem is wrapped up in my academic success...which isn’t healthy. It’s extremely hard for me to get out of the habit of doing this but I know that I can with consistent effort. Thanks so much for the insight!

[Sassandclass]

Originally Posted by TorturedSoul92

I may be wrong, but throughout your post (which talks about past and present) you seem to be indicating that you’re ashamed of your struggles. Ashamed of the fact that there’s this “other part” of you. Is it possible that this shame has lead you to attach your self esteem to your academic success?


If so, it would make sense that things would start to feel like they are crumbling around you if you felt your academic career was in peril (because then it would feel like your whole identity and self esteem were under attack).

I think it’s true that much of my self esteem is wrapped up in my academic success...which isn’t healthy. It’s extremely hard for me to get out of the habit of doing this but I know that I can with consistent effort. Thanks so much for the insight![/QUOTE]


Happy to help remember that you are so much more than just your grades

[starla_sangue]

Try changing enviroments inside of school? Like studyiing elswhere, trying to get into new social groups inside of school, etc?

I nearly dropped out of University because I had nearly one whole year when I just couldn't get myself to go to University. I study art and had a very bad teacher (at least she was bad for me, but countless other students told of similar feelings) and I felt like I couldn't do anything right. Like I couldn't draw at all.
Then I somehow managed to get into another teacher's class (I lost a whole year, though) and I started feeling better.
But drawing/painting is still very hard (and I'll graduate in a few months...) as I feel like I'm just not good enough and I don't have the will to continue...

But yeah, back to the original poster: Have you tried 'lining up' your successes? Putting them on the wall for example? (Tests with good grades, printed-out good online grades?) You musn't forget your successes and the fact that you are able to succeed.