[Joejoud]

I saved my flatmate's life (who I had a crush on but he wasn't gay and we used to joke about it) after

Possible trigger:

he tried to kill himself,

doctors said I saved him in the right time. He was completely naked when I saved him, which traumatized me even more. I had been in his shoes several times in my past but never went as far as he did.

This really traumatized me, but for the first 2 weeks i forgot i existed and he was everything. Regularly visited him in the hospital with food and friends. We talked a lot and i always told him how i love him and all his friends love him. While in the hospital, he decided that he wants to move out of our flat when he's released. At that point i had felt so betrayed that it finally released all my emotions. I broke our kitchen plates and messed up the house.

Then I become very selfish, filled with anger and hate. Some of my friends just couldn't handle how abusive and destructive I became, some didn't know what to do (my flatmate didn't see that because I distanced myself).

I then lost my job (which i started 3 days before he attempted) after that, I tried to check into a hospital twice but after a talk with the psychiatrist there and some meds I went home. So I decided to get better by traveling to my home country to see my parents.

I asked him for 1 favor, please please don't move out before I return. Logically, he cant move out in the 2 weeks that I'm gone because he was still in the psychiatric ward. Unfortunately, 4 days before I arrive, he tells me he's moving out in 2 days.

His decision destroyed me completely and I just couldn't believe that I meant nothing to him after he meant the world to me. Oddly enough he was still hospitalized and continued to be hospitalized for another 2 weeks, but his excuse was his one friend with a car (although there are many with cars) can only drive him that day. I finally raged at him and told him he was dead to me and just tried my best to forget him.But the day I arrive from the airport the first face i see in the flat is him, apparently after walking my dog. I just told him leave now, couldn't even look at his face.

During this period, my attitude pushed ALL my friends away, so I was all alone and family in another country (country at War). After I moved to a new flat and settled (3 weeks after i last saw him), I felt lonely and tried to mend my relationship with friends, but they were stubborn, so I thought i needed to fix my relationship with the source no matter how hard it is. Surprisingly, he wasn't too interested in fixing the relation and said he doesn't need a symbiosis in his life that he never asked for. After that, I was just really sad and in pain, but not suicidal intent, so I decided to carve the upper side of my arm, just so that my physical pain hides my emotional pain. Luckily, my friends saw this cry for help, they did an intervention which I was amenable to. But I still can't get over the betrayal I feel from my ex-flatmate, and the sadness over losing him.

I would like to know why he banished me and whether he ever cared about me in the first place, I don't want sexual love or a boyfriend's love, I wanted the love of a best friend. I'm the only person he banished and I can't seem to move on, I cut off my social media and removed all means of talking to him, but just the mention of his name saddens me. I guess I feel something like fake grief. So any ideas?

Thanks and sorry for the long read

[Wild Coyote]

I am very sorry for all you have been through.

It's not always possible to understand why some people do the things they choose to do. Parting ways with a friend, after great devotion, and without some closure, can be very painful.

Your grief isn't "fake" (as you have written), it is very real.

It will take time to work through your grief.

Please take very good care of yourself during this very challenging time.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

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I hope to see you around the forums.


Wild Coyote

It's not fake grief. It's just grief. It hurts a lot and it takes time, but I promise it will get easier. Try to distract yourself. Hang out with other friends. Meet new people. Anything to take your mind off of it.

[FallDuskTrain]

i am very sorry for your pain... This is a big loss and it is understandable how you feel abandoned... but, I hope you consider changing your perspective on it and I hope that altering the way you interpret this situation will be part of your grieving and healing process. I am saying this because I do not think your flatmate banished you; he just went through something terrible and he is drowning in his own drama hence he is making decisions towards recovery. If moving out of the apt is going to make him recover faster, he will do that. Additionally, you, as a loving and a caring friend, may consider wishing the best for him and not take his actions personally. Because they are not... he is trying to recover. This is about him and it is not about you.

[Joejoud]

Thanks a lot for this. While I do completely understand that his decisions are for his own good, just like my decision to cut off all means of contact from my end to control my impulses. However, we have had distance, technically we stopped our friendship 2 months ago, and then when I tried to mend it by asking him if he wants to meet for a drink or maybe we can walk the dog together, he said no and eventually after we chatted called me a symbiosis which I don't completely understand, it felt like he said I'm a parasite. That's when I unfortunately

Possible trigger:

chose to hurt myself physically.

Also to give you context, he was hospitalized in December when he went home because he told his parents he wanted to attempt, which was really a cry for help, they dealt with the situation wrong, so he stayed there for a month was given wrong meds. He came back, within 5 days he went for it. So technically, I haven't had him living with me for 4 months now. Also when he was at the hospital the first time, he tslked to me every day not the other way around. But after the attempt it changed. It hurts but I guess only time will heal

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Joejoud

I saved my flatmate's life (who I had a crush on but he wasn't gay and we used to joke about it) after

Possible trigger:

he tried to kill himself,

doctors said I saved him in the right time. He was completely naked when I saved him, which traumatized me even more. I had been in his shoes several times in my past but never went as far as he did.

This really traumatized me, but for the first 2 weeks i forgot i existed and he was everything. Regularly visited him in the hospital with food and friends. We talked a lot and i always told him how i love him and all his friends love him. While in the hospital, he decided that he wants to move out of our flat when he's released. At that point i had felt so betrayed that it finally released all my emotions. I broke our kitchen plates and messed up the house.

Then I become very selfish, filled with anger and hate. Some of my friends just couldn't handle how abusive and destructive I became, some didn't know what to do (my flatmate didn't see that because I distanced myself).

I then lost my job (which i started 3 days before he attempted) after that, I tried to check into a hospital twice but after a talk with the psychiatrist there and some meds I went home. So I decided to get better by traveling to my home country to see my parents.

I asked him for 1 favor, please please don't move out before I return. Logically, he cant move out in the 2 weeks that I'm gone because he was still in the psychiatric ward. Unfortunately, 4 days before I arrive, he tells me he's moving out in 2 days.

His decision destroyed me completely and I just couldn't believe that I meant nothing to him after he meant the world to me. Oddly enough he was still hospitalized and continued to be hospitalized for another 2 weeks, but his excuse was his one friend with a car (although there are many with cars) can only drive him that day. I finally raged at him and told him he was dead to me and just tried my best to forget him.But the day I arrive from the airport the first face i see in the flat is him, apparently after walking my dog. I just told him leave now, couldn't even look at his face.

During this period, my attitude pushed ALL my friends away, so I was all alone and family in another country (country at War). After I moved to a new flat and settled (3 weeks after i last saw him), I felt lonely and tried to mend my relationship with friends, but they were stubborn, so I thought i needed to fix my relationship with the source no matter how hard it is. Surprisingly, he wasn't too interested in fixing the relation and said he doesn't need a symbiosis in his life that he never asked for. After that, I was just really sad and in pain, but not suicidal intent, so I decided to carve the upper side of my arm, just so that my physical pain hides my emotional pain. Luckily, my friends saw this cry for help, they did an intervention which I was amenable to. But I still can't get over the betrayal I feel from my ex-flatmate, and the sadness over losing him.

I would like to know why he banished me and whether he ever cared about me in the first place, I don't want sexual love or a boyfriend's love, I wanted the love of a best friend. I'm the only person he banished and I can't seem to move on, I cut off my social media and removed all means of talking to him, but just the mention of his name saddens me. I guess I feel something like fake grief. So any ideas?

Thanks and sorry for the long read

I am very sorry for what happen to you. It sound like you really care about him. He may felt that very awkward. Maybe he felt he need to move away in order recover. Sometime people act really weird or they don't think about how there action can really affect a person. Maybe you need to take some time to grief the loss of a friendship.