[Kefira Keja]

Hi. My name is Sadie. I’m new to this site and don’t really know how it works, so forgive me if I do anything wrong.
So, a little background on me: I’m fifteen years old and have had numerous mental health issues in the past, including depression, anxiety, self-harm, and eating disorders (anorexia followed by bulimia). I’m also mildly autistic.
The reason I mention all this is because my depression has been acting up lately- actually, more than acting up. I’m going off the rails. I’ll find myself swinging from a borderline-suicidal state to perfectly normal within the space of six hours. The tiniest stressors will send me into an absolute emotional breakdown. I’m angry over the slightest, tiniest things for no reason- so ridiculously ****ing angry. I have no motivation to complete schoolwork, deadlines don’t seem to matter anymore, I’ll find myself jotting down names to mention in my suicide note and then deleting them the next day wondering what in the hell I was thinking. I’m tired all the damn time.
In all honesty, I have no idea what to do anymore. My therapist says that this isn’t like any pattern of depression she’s ever recognized- like ultra-rapid-cycle bipolar, almost, except without the mania (as ridiculous as that sounds- it’s the only comparison I can think of). Going from a state where I’m literally Googling ‘how to kill yourself’ to being perfectly fine twelve hours later to devolving again the next day is an absolutely exhausting way to live. Nothing is predictable. It’s like being in a hall of mirrors. In my more reasonable moments, I am genuinely worried that I might seriously harm myself during one these episodes.
Does anyone have any advice or similar stories? Anything would be appreciated.
Also, sorry for the wall of text.

[Candy1955]

There are people here with really good advice. i am not one of them, but hang on, they will get here. Do you take meds? Parents?
Try some music and relaxation (tense every muscle one at a time, slowly. start with your toes. hold the tension til you have to grit your teeth, then one at a time relax, also starting at your toes...it works!).
Everyone here has had something like this, although yours does sound pretty unique. i will be back in a while before bedtime. Please take care.

[Candy1955]

Try another forum. I'm sorry I'm the only one who posted.
Don't give up.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Kefira: Welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself to the membership at large in our New Members Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

I'm sorry you are struggling with these difficult, & I would suspect, frightening mood swings. Things tend to move pretty quickly here on PC. It can take a while to become known. but once you do, there can be a lot of support available here.

Honestly, I can't tell you what's going on with you. And my personal opinion would be that it's doubtful anyone else, here on PC or elsewhere on-line, is going to be able to do so either. Two things occur to me, though, with regard to your situation. One is that what you're experiencing is something you're going to have to figure out, over time, with the guidance of either the therapist you currently see or another therapist if the one you're currently seeing doesn't seem to be able to help you.

The other thing is... you didn't mention if you're seeing a psychiatrist or if you're on any type of medication. If not, this may be the other thing you want to consider. Sometimes a person's mental / emotional state is so compromised that, at least over the short term, medication is necessary. That doesn't mean you'll necessarily have to be on it for a long time. But it may be something you need to consider in order to "buy" you the time you need to continue to work with your therapist.

You mentioned you sometimes become concerned you might seriously harm yourself. If that's the case, then it may also be important for you to reach out in real life for help. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to mess around with. (I know because they're something I've had too much experience with myself.) Hopefully you're being completely honest & up-front with your therapist regarding what you're experiencing. If not (I know it can be difficult) you must be. Your therapist can only be of as much help as possible if you are totally honest with regard to what's going on with you.

Of course if you do, at some point, find yourself to be at risk of doing serious harm to yourself, then going to the emergency services department of your local hospital is the necessary next step. In the meantime I do hope you continue posting here on PC. There are also the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved. Those may be something that can be of help too. Sometimes just being able to be in touch with others who've had similar struggles & who understand what you're going though can be a great comfort. I wish you well...

[scatterbrained04]

I have issues on occasion with my depression cycling like how you described. I'll go from fine to severely depressed and pop back up all in a matter of a day. I don't typically see this kind of pattern with my depression, but have been stuck in it for months. I have bipolar 2 disorder, so I don't typically get the manic side of things either.

Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist?

[Nike007]

Hi, welcome to PC!

I can mention that it could be, but I’m not a professional so you could look into and talk to a mental health professional after, borderline personality disorder. Mood changes tend to be quite rapid there, with doing impulsive things like the things you’ve mentioned with the note and such. But you most likely will not be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because it is considered an adult disorder, meaning that only adults are generally diagnosed with personality disorders due to the changing personalities of teenagers.

With the anger thing, it could be what I mentioned also, but I have found myself quite angry the past week or so. Minor things have been setting me off (clenching, swearing/holding back). I have never been really angry at all. I was told that I must have a problem because I never got angry. Like at all. But now I am angry. I’m unsure if it related my depressive episode or if it’s related to all the things regarding the episode, like meds and therapy and waiting.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist by any chance? This may help with your mood. It’s always good to get help. I know you are already seeing a therapist, but getting an opinion from a psychiatrist may be helpful too.

I hope you feel better soon.