I feel stuck

I have been severely depressed for 7 months. I have not been formally diagnosed because I don't have medical insurance and have no money to pay for treatment. I have never taken meds for depression. I don't know whether my depression is chemically induced or situational because I definitely have lots to be depressed/stressed about. However, I notice that if I stay awake all night, my mood improves the next day that I deprive myself of sleep. My appetite was initially gone when the depression first started but it has improved some recently, though my diet has sucked and my gut has gained some girth in the 7 months. I've become almost a recluse because I am ashamed of mistakes made in the recent past (which contribute to my depression) and am trying to avoid having to face people who don't understand my struggle. When I am around people, it depresses me more because I don't care about what they care about and they are happy and I'm not. I also don't like having to explain why I have not accomplished much of anything in 7 whole months. I don't feel close to anyone and I put in lots of effort to avoid people (both close family and friends). I ignore my phone and stay off social media because I don't want anyone I know to contact me. I get very stressed if someone contacts me and I avoid returning phone calls. If I could avoid everyone, I would and I feel like I wouldn't be missing anything. The only reason I ever deal with most people is because I'm afraid they will think negatively of me (and some probably do) because I avoid/ignore them.. But I rarely initiate contact with anyone anymore. I'm mostly just ashamed and don't want to talk about what I'm feeling or thinking because people want to will me out of my thoughts/feelings. I also have been depressed for so long that I'm ashamed when someone asks how I'm doing and I'm saying the same crap I was saying 7 months ago, while they have been living a full life. I'm not working currently but the reason something has to change soon is because I recently got offered a job that will start in the summer and I need to get myself together because I'm not at a functional level to be able to work at this point. I'm not even confident I could do the job I was offered because it will require me to work at a high level doing something I've never done... but at this point, I'm ashamed to say that my mood zaps my will even to do simple tasks like showering, brushing my teeth, grooming, etc. Its almost like I have a phobia of doing these things or like I will feel more depressed afterwards because my neglect of self care has affected my skin and hair, which look unsightly now..... so I'd rather just avoid mirrors and avoid doing much of anything at all. My mental acuity is also not at my normal level, which makes me self conscious when I attempt to hold conversations (another reason I don't like talking to people). It seems like I struggle to think of simple words or to form complete thoughts. It also takes me longer to make decisions, especially that require actual thought. I want to break out of this. I don't want to kill myself because I don't like pain. I also don't know what happens after death so it seems risky to hope for death but some days, I feel like I would rather not wake up so that I don't have to feel like this. I wish I could find some free or cheap therapy/treatment. That's what brought me here. I need direction because apparently, I'm not going to simply snap out of this on my own. I think I've actually gotten worse over the 7 months. I'm sorry you had to read this long post. Hopefully, it doesn't depress anyone further. Can you help me?

I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this most difficult state. From what you wrote, it does sound as though you are struggling with a lot of depression & perhaps quite a bit of anxiety as well. These are things that have certainly been familiar to me over the years.

I wish I knew what to suggest here. I presume you've checked into the possibility of any free or income-adjusted mental health services that may be available where you live. I'm afraid there aren't any "quick fixes" for this sort of thing... at least not that I am aware of. Perhaps other members, here on PC, may have some suggestions. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to heal from depression. Hopefully some of the suggestions in these articles can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/where-t...or-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-step...ng-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/strateg...ng-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/depress...tive-thoughts/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-ways...ough-exercise/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...at-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...ve-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-step...ion-naturally/

I wish you well...