[yagr]

Hi folks. So, as the title says, this is my first post in this forum although I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder often. The diagnosis frustrates me significantly though, which is probably why I've stayed away from this forum, and I'd like some feedback please.

Though my providers are confident that I have depression, we have always begun with the typical set of depression questions such that you would find in the depression quiz here on psych central and I struggle to answer them every time. I have high functioning autism, which doesn't help answering questions, and when I get lost, I tend to stay lost. But here's the thing (or at least one thing):

I became physically disabled suddenly about five years ago. Questions like, "I have lost interest in aspects of life that used to be important to me." are certainly a resounding 'yes' but then, I simply am incapable of doing them any longer. I mean, is that depression or lack of physical ability? How do I tell?

My primary physical disability is myasthenia gravis, a rare auto-immune disorder that, translated from Latin, means 'grave muscle weakness'. Typically, the way people die with this is that they become so weak that their pulmonary system no longer has the strength to breathe and, next stop death. So, questions like, "I feel fatigued" stymie me. I mean, of course I do! I have grave muscle weakness!

The pleasure is gone out of life? What the heck? I sit if I am strong enough, rather hungry but don't have enough energy to stand long enough to cook breakfast, lunch rolls around and I don't have the energy or strength to stand long enough to make lunch. Often, I want to respond to a post but am using all my strength to hold myself upright, and if I lift my hands to type I'm going to face-plant on the keyboard. Where is the pleasure - but this is physical...I mean, if you can't do anything, then how are you supposed to feel pleasure over the things you do?

Which is not to say that I'm not grateful when I do have the strength to do these things - I'm glad I can write this post right now and I just ate for the first time today at 3:30pm...but I had to take rather large quantities of narcotics (prescribed) to be able to do so. Without them, I am worthless (not my value as a person but my ability to do even basic things).

I wonder about the diagnosis though. It's like, under the influence of meds, I WANT to cook meals, get the dishes done, fold laundry, etc. It's just without them, I can't. I mean, sure I feel hopeless about the future - there's no cure, no treatment, I'm in constant pain, can't work, living on $177/month...what's to look forward to but more pain, more struggle to get through tomorrow, etc. That seems rather reasonable in my spot though.

The last thing is just this: I don't feel much different emotionally than I have my whole life. My therapist has raised the possibility (reasonably I think, knowing my life) that I've been depressed for so long that it's all I know any longer and I wouldn't recognize 'not depressed' if it came and slapped me upside the head.

How can I tell?

[Amyjay]

[MtnTime2896]

You bring up a lot of fine points. To be honest, I've been depressed since I was a small child so I don't really have a lot of experience with life without it. When my symptoms from my cancer got real bad, everyone just thought I was really depressed (before hand no one knew I struggled with depression). Then, after the specialist told me about it being cancer, the weirdest thing happened, I actually became happy. I didn't feel deeply depressed again until I was told I was in remission.

When everyone thought I was just depressed, it was hard to tell for me. The thing is, I've always known my head wasn't quite right and when I lost all my energy like that I just knew it wasn't depression. Like you said, of course the pleasure had gone out of my life, doing anything other than sleeping became next to impossible. And now when I begin having similar symptoms, the doc always checks me out and comes up with nothing new that could cause it and I'm just labeled with MDD. It's frustrating because on so many levels they're so similar. Long story short, I can't give much advice here. I just know that depression is something I can usually feel. When it feels slightly different, that's when I go to the doc and make sure.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Long story short, I can't give much advice here.

Maybe not, but it was nice not to hear, "The two are totally different. They are easy to tell apart." Can't imagine why people think that is helpful - "Yes, you've got issues, physical, mental...oh, and you're kind of stupid too if you can't tell the difference." So thank you for not saying that.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I just know that depression is something I can usually feel. When it feels slightly different, that's when I go to the doc and make sure.

I'm not good with feeling subtle differences, particularly with my body. I referenced the ASD in my OP, but the dissociative disorder doesn't help either I'm sure - I learned to ignore what was happening to my body and mind since I was an infant. I'm good at it.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by yagr

Maybe not, but it was nice not to hear, "The two are totally different. They are easy to tell apart." Can't imagine why people think that is helpful - "Yes, you've got issues, physical, mental...oh, and you're kind of stupid too if you can't tell the difference." So thank you for not saying that.


I'm not good with feeling subtle differences, particularly with my body. I referenced the ASD in my OP, but the dissociative disorder doesn't help either I'm sure - I learned to ignore what was happening to my body and mind since I was an infant. I'm good at it.

Dissociative disorders do really make it hard. From my upbringing, I became hyperaware of what was going on with my emotions and used it almost as an escape from actual fact. Because the emotion (or often the lack thereof) is still easier for me to handle than the actual facts of what transpired. In truth, though, all it takes is a one strong negative emotion and dissociation takes over and then figuring out what's going on becomes a nightmare, so I don't even try. I think the reason I can (for the most part) recognize when my depression is mostly absent is because I no longer feel like myself. I don't know if that makes sense.

And, yeah, I know how it feels to have somebody tell you that stuff. It's not always so easy, like they say. Yes, there are days where depression is slapping me in the face. There are also days like today, where my symptoms more resemble that my cancer has relapsed rather than I'm depressed. I'm actually having to go get scans done on the 16th and my anxiety is up about that. With coinciding depression, I genuinely can't tell what's actually wrong with me.

[Fuzzybear]