[MatBell]

why did it have to go like this

[cryingontheinside]

Hi. We are here for you ? Do you feel like talking about it ? If you don't want to share but you want someone to talk to you can pm me anytime

Originally Posted by MatBell

why did it have to go like this

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Hi. We are here for you ? Do you feel like talking about it ? If you don't want to share but you want someone to talk to you can pm me anytime

I try but I can’t live this life. I try so hard. But I don’t think it will ever happen. Now I’m so tired, want to cry it all out actually. I had plans to go to a Buddhist center today but I just don’t have the energy now. I feel like I try so many things to be better but I end up here always. I feel so alone with this.
My therapist doesn’t answer me when I text. She is busy but still

[MatBell]

It’s so hard keeping myself alive. I’ve done this so much.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by MatBell

I try but I can’t live this life. I try so hard. But I don’t think it will ever happen. Now I’m so tired, want to cry it all out actually. I had plans to go to a Buddhist center today but I just don’t have the energy now. I feel like I try so many things to be better but I end up here always. I feel so alone with this.
My therapist doesn’t answer me when I text. She is busy but still

I feel like this most of the time too. At the moment I am focusing on being on a diet . I haven't seen any results yet . If it doesn't work i will go right back to giving up on life and not wanting to be here .
You couldn't make it to the Buddhist centre today , but you had a plan and an idea to go . You can go there another day . Maybe because you didn't go there you could try to achieve one small goal today to make yourself better . It could be To do with housework or self care or a hobbie like reading or drawing , anything that you might enjoy .
Apart from going to the Buddhist centre , what other things can you also plan to do in the future that might improve your quality of life ? Maybe you could make a little action plan of goals to achieve , short term or long term .

Today I've been looking on the internet at things I want to buy myself to make myself feel good . To treat myself . I've also been looking on the internet at clothes I want to buy when I lose weight . I'm hoping that doing this will keep me motivated .

The depression is here with me . I don't like it one bit . But focusing on weight loss and how better my life might be is giving me a little bit of hope for the depression . I could be wrong . I have been skinny and depressed . Losing weight might not help me . But I want to good that it will . That my confidence will improve .

Anyway sorry for such a long post .

[introspectiveme]

Hi Mat,

When you’re depressed, it can be very difficult to look forward to the next day

If you planned something but couldn’t do it, don’t beat yourself up about it

The next day, the next week maybe

I was letting my guitar gather dust for a few days but I picked it up the fourth day. I felt so bad, I made it a goal to practice everyday, but sometimes it doesn’t happen for whatever reason

[Sunflower123]

(((((HUGS))))). I understand. I was there last week. It’s hard when it keeps happening. You’re not alone.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( hugs )))))))
Yeah. It’s hard when that pain keeps on happening

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by MatBell

why did it have to go like this

I've felt like that for so long.

I agree with the others. When it's that bad, you're only going to beat yourself up over the big things. Look to the smaller things. Improve what you can in this day. Don't berate yourself for what is currently beyond you. Plan to work up to the other things, but allow yourself to walk before you run. Encourage yourself instead of goading yourself. That's a hard skill to learn.

Don't be ashamed that you are setting what seem like unworthy tasks to start with. It truly does not matter how you get there. What matters is lifelong growth and improvement, with the inevitable set-backs.

Shame is so hard to alleviate. But you are trying. That is worthy in itself.

Hang in there. Keep trying different things.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

I've felt like that for so long.

I agree with the others. When it's that bad, you're only going to beat yourself up over the big things. Look to the smaller things. Improve what you can in this day. Don't berate yourself for what is currently beyond you. Plan to work up to the other things, but allow yourself to walk before you run. Encourage yourself instead of goading yourself. That's a hard skill to learn.

Don't be ashamed that you are setting what seem like unworthy tasks to start with. It truly does not matter how you get there. What matters is lifelong growth and improvement, with the inevitable set-backs.

Shame is so hard to alleviate. But you are trying. That is worthy in itself.

Hang in there. Keep trying different things.

I feel it’s getting almost impossible to “keep trying”. How do you do it? Is it just to find a little positive thing each day, is that enough? I just feel the longer I stay like this the worse and more hopeless I feel. I remember having really bad anxiety early in the morning in the summer 2 years ago. And here I am again feeling it again, the terrible anxiety waking me up. That’s why I’m ashamed, I keep being like this. Do you ever think it’s ok to do yourself in? Does there ever come a time do you think?

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((( hugs )))))))

Yeah. It’s hard when that pain keeps on happening

Yes. Why do we have to get it?

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by introspectiveme

Hi Mat,


When you’re depressed, it can be very difficult to look forward to the next day


If you planned something but couldn’t do it, don’t beat yourself up about it


The next day, the next week maybe


I was letting my guitar gather dust for a few days but I picked it up the fourth day. I felt so bad, I made it a goal to practice everyday, but sometimes it doesn’t happen for whatever reason

Thank you. I know just how it is. I wish I could play guitar too.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

(((((HUGS))))). I understand. I was there last week. It’s hard when it keeps happening. You’re not alone.

Thanks. Sorry to hear you felt like that. I don’t know what to do with myself. And the loneliness is some of the worst about it. It’s so good to have a place like this even though we can’t meet in person.

[Candy1955]

Baby steps, Mat. One time step after another. Others here have better ideas than me, I can just say that I fine one thing that makes me smile, then I hurry and do something productive no matter how little. I do my best not to be still because that's when the anxiety/depression pounces. Please don't dwell on the do yourself in question. No one can make that decision but you and understand everyone has strong feelings on that.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by MatBell

I feel it’s getting almost impossible to “keep trying”. How do you do it? Is it just to find a little positive thing each day, is that enough? I just feel the longer I stay like this the worse and more hopeless I feel. I remember having really bad anxiety early in the morning in the summer 2 years ago. And here I am again feeling it again, the terrible anxiety waking me up. That’s why I’m ashamed, I keep being like this. Do you ever think it’s ok to do yourself in? Does there ever come a time do you think?

How do I do it?

For a long time, I gave up trying. It sure made things easier and less painful in the short run. But it's obviously no way to live in the long run.

For me the SI absolutely came from the belief that, after so many years, it was impossible and hopeless and nothing but pain was there. I have been there, and it's horrific. I am so sorry.

I can only speak from my own experience, but maybe some of this will help (sorry for the length)...

I really needed to break things down into smaller pieces. Thinking about where I want to be and the big ticket items is just way too much most of the time. I know it seems disheartening to set your goals temporarily lower, but it's no good setting yourself up to fail. I need to build myself up.

Cut myself some slack. It's going to take time. The longer I beat myself up and feel like a messed-up burden, the longer I'll be a messed-up burden.

Physical things are easier than social and mental things. I found this especially true when dealing with anxiety and terrible self-esteem. Walking, breathing, getting out of the house, seeing and doing things all lessen the physical discomfort and clear the head a little. It may seem pointless, but would I rather keep feeling awful anyways or get some small relief even for a short time? Even when I really don't feel like it, I exercise my better judgment and move my muscles which at least follow instructions (unlike my moods). Put one foot in front of the other. When things are bad, I find the behavior element much more personally effective than the cognitive stuff.

I was so desperate that I finally started trying things I had no real interest in and didn't particularly want to do. Even when I didn't want to do *anything*. It was better than the pain. (I started with exercise. I didn't have to think.) That's what I meant by trying different things. You really never know. What I had being doing hadn't helped enough after all. And I've learned and experienced new things, which makes life less awful. Just stay away from things you actually hate where possible. Be gentle with yourself.

Ruminating is not being mindful of my emotions. I learned to recognize it, and not confuse it with experiencing emotions or useful problem solving thinking.

When I can't do positive thoughts, I stick with not being negative as much as I can. That's good enough to start.

I have to start over sometimes.

I have never found any grand epiphanies or techniques that just lifted the veil and made it better. I don't think such things exist for people with chronic severe depression. The only real success I've had is an accumulation of many and varied little things. A little bit of CBT, DBT, ACT, and others. Experiment and see what parts work for you. Maybe think of "trying" not as effort or willpower, but as tinkering with different approaches and modifications.

At the very least, reading up on psychotherapy made me feel like I was doing something potentially productive. It also allows me to state my needs more clearly to the therapist and evaluate the effectiveness of the sessions better. I feel like less of a passive patient who is hoping the therapist knows what they are doing and that it will work out.

You may think, "All those myriad little things! That's so much work! It will take so long!" Maybe. But it's actually easier. It's not overwhelming. Little failures are only little. You can feel a little better as you go along, rather than punishing yourself with heroic effort for some big possible payoff at the end.

Sorry if I'm rambling a bit, but I hope some of this helps a little.