same stuff, different day

Throughout my life I have always known I was different from everyone else. I am unique in my own way, which is an amazing thing considering I am my own person, but being different does have its down falls. Trying to get people to understand yu is the hardest challenge. No matter how much yu explain, no one will ever fully understand unless they go through it for themseleves, which is something I wouldn't wish on anyone coming from where I am in my mind now, but in order to have a solid support system it takes patience and understanding from whom ever is there to help. Mental Illness is a serious condition and needs the most tender care in order to have a healthy recovery. I have been diagnosed several times (bipolar,depression,anxiety,PTSD,eating disorder,sleep disorder) I feel the only way for me to understand is to know what the source is. Throughout the years on and off therapy I have learned to recognize when something is becoming a problem. I know in my heart and mind when I am being a certain way. This time I don't feel like I will ever bounce back, things have piled on more and more over time and I have completely lost my way, myself and everything I believe in. my ultimate goal is to get back to a happy healthy mind , staying away from triggers and cope everyday. I wanna be able to be the mother I need to be for my kids and the wife I need to be for my husband, but ultimately I need to be myself again for me. I have built up walls around me and instead of fight or flight I always wanna flight and running away isn't always the answer. I have been running all my life from the truth, instead of embracing my flaws and loving myself, I down myself and hate myself everyday. My main issue is TRUST, I have been hurt by everyone I have ever let in my life and all that has to do with believing what ones tells you and sooner or later being decieved and realizing everything was always a lie. So it is hard for me to believe anything anyone tells me. The world is a dog eat dog place and everyone is for themselves, so its hard to believe when someone is actually being genuine with yu. I have a hard time accepting that I'm worthy of being loved. I believe that everything good always turns to bad because that has been a domino effect in my life. I wanna learn to trust again so I can stop obsessing that the people I love or don't even know are out to hurt me. I have come to the point in my life where I am exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically, that I either take that extra step or I continue to live a miserable life. I want to be happy again, I just don't know where to begin when everything in my head is a mess. I don't wanna be judged or looked down on because instead of people saying I'm different I get called "crazy" and that hurts beyond belief. I know i am beautiful someone under all the hurt and pain. When i look in the mirror all i see is a broken girl with lost hopes and dreams. Losing so much weight makes me feel so ugly , all i see and feel is my bones, that is a pain that is undescribable, it brings a overwhelming feeling to just cry. I feel bad for myself. I'll try to sum it up but I have lost all control of everything and it makes me sick. I stress everyday all day , I stopped eating, I stopped leaving the house. I'm lucky to even get out of bed. I cry everyday, I have at least 1-3 manic breakdowns a week. I'm always angry, sad, irritated, bummed out. I feel everything all the time. My mind races all day & night, I keep having nightmares. Migraines and tummy aches. Things have become unbareable. I want it all to go away, I wanna feel like myself again, happy, confident, self loving, caring, outgoing girl I have always been. I want to feel like I have purpose again.

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

Your first 5 posts are approved by a moderator before they appear. After 5 approved posts, you will also have access to chatrooms and to the Private Messaging (PM) system.

I hope to see you around the forums.

Wild Coyote