Scared of falling back

Evil ice queen is coming back to work the day after tomorrow. Not even tomorrow, but the day after, and I'm already dreading it. Although to be honest, my relief over her being away evaporated the moment we were told about her promotion.

It's going to be especially tough because nice coworker will be on holiday from the day she comes back. I hope she moves over to her new desk asap.

I guess I had this coming, didn't I? I was hoping for her to break down. You shouldn't wish that in your worst enemy! So now I am the one who is breaking down and sinking. I've switched of my alarm for tomorrow morning. I don't even have the motivation to go to work. Maybe it's wrong. Maybe I should fight harder . But I know nothing will change, so what's the point? There's so many things I want to say to my team lead, to make it clear what's REALLY going on, but it's not going to change anything. So I lie awake at night with all these thoughts going round my head.

And now I think I'm sick. Just what I needed.....

Can we just fast forward to me feeling better??

Awwww Break. I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I hope you get to feeling better quickly.

Thanks! I'm feeling a little better today. At least compared to yesterday and especially two nights ago.... I was actually starting to get worried about myself there! I woke up around 0:40 am after maybe an hour of sleep and I just felt so blaaaaaah, like I was going to cry and didn't feel like doing anything at all - not even going back to sleep

And I finally sent in an application for another job today so fingers crossed for that! I think this weekend I will also start looking outside of this company. (Although I would miss my employee discount very much if I left!)

How are you doing, Sparky?

Hiya, Break...I'm at work so am trying not to get caught on PC. LOL Glad you're better.

I'm still having moments of randomly wanting to cry Also not doing well in this heat... Hope I get used to it soon, because it looks like it'll last at least another week, maybe two.

I have many days where I want to cry, but I hold it back, bc no one in this house would understand. Also if I do cry, I would have a hard time stopping, and I don't have privacy to just do it. But I know it would be good for me to get rid of some of this pent up emotion.

Monday morning...

Yeah, the heat is really intense here, too. I try to spent ~10 minutes sitting in the very early morning sun before showering for the vitamin D benefit. I can't tell if it makes a difference, but I have a very light tan, which is nice I think.

I've always preferred the winter. Love snow.

Hope you have a good week, Break.

Is there a safe place you can go to cry?

I stopped crying five years ago and it felt awful not to be able to let out my negative emotions. Crying helps us grieve loss and sadness.

This latest bout of crisis has had one bonus, I have finally been able to cry for myself again. It has been some relief.

Yes, if you've got built up emotion or stress, it can really help! You will stop eventually. How about the shower as a place to cry without anyone hearing?

We've survived the Monday! Well, I did, I hope you did too
My god, the heat.... I know there's places where it's much hotter than here but we're not used to it and buildings aren't made for this weather. Our office has no A/C. My flat feels like an oven. 8:30 PM and it's still 30C outside, which google tells me is 86 Fahrenheit. I want to open up my windows and let some cool evening air in.... as soon as it cools off a bit!
I'm so exhausted, I can't sleep at night. Takes me ages to fall asleep and then I wake up after about an hour just drenched in sweat. It's gross!

I'm also trying to spend some time in the sun though. I wouldn't say I have a tan - that's probably not gonna happen, but at least my legs are a tiiiiny bit less white, they don't glow in the dark anymore!

I love snow as well

You have a good week too!

Oh, and a little bit of news... I have a phone interview for that job on Friday Terrifying! (The department I've applied to is actually based just across the parking lot from out building... But I guess HR is probably at head office. Otherwise it'd be a bit weird to do a phone interview from 2 minutes away )

So your interview is on 8/4? Hoping, hoping, hoping!

Still hot and humid here, but I DO have A/C at home. At work the A/C is less effective because of the very high ceilings, but at least some rooms are comfortable.

Friday is the 3rd

Our office does have some sort of air system which cools a teeny tiny bit.... Seems to finally work now! It's a lot more bearable than last summer. Or even the last heatwave this year in May or June.

My body is pissed off again. I have no idea why but it's possible I might need to stay home again today. I hate this. I don't want so many sick days! And I can't really go to a doctor with these vague things so I won't have a doctor's note I'm worried what people will think if I'm sick too much. (Both my coworkers and my boss.)

And at home I have the constant noise of the construction work down the street.

Still, I don't think I can make it to the office today :/

It's in 45 minutes and I'm sooooooooo nervous! Not exactly sure what to expect. The process for internal applications has changed in between the time I sent the application and now so I'm not sure if this is a formal job interview or just a "getting to know you" - I'd expected getting to know someone would be done in person, not over the phone.
I know when a friend of mine applied for the same position last year, there was a written test first.

I hope it went well!!! Waiting to hear.

Waiting for the call is nerve wrecking! And I've realized the parking lot is really not the best place for this but too late to find somewhere else now..... There's absolutely nowhere with privacy anywhere in our building. Except maybe the claustrophobic phone booth but I think even that's not really sound proof.

Okay, that was easy it was mostly HR informing me about the job and application process and asking a few questions. There's still gonna be a test so fingers crossed.... My friend failed that one last year

Good luck with the test, I know you can pass it.

Ugh, so close to finally working a full week again and my body is trying to sabotage it not feeling well and can't sleep. it's only one more day! And then I have 1,5 week off. Can't say I'm really looking forward to going home, though :/

No news about the job yet, getting nervous now.

Still nothing about the job.

And I never should have come to stay with my parents. I don't want to be here. This place is making me even more miserable. I hate it here. I'm gonna look for a hotel or airbnb nearby tomorrow, but it's gonna be expensive for a whole week.

I feel so stupid. I needed a holiday to get my mind off work and most of all to relax and rest. I'm still checking my work e-mail because I'm waiting to hear about the job, and being at home is anything but relaxing. Why did I think this time would be any different? Hell, I didn't even really believe that it would be, so why did I come here?

I feel awful. Not depressed, really, but burned out. My body does not want to keep going anymore. Even though I just got back from a holiday and only worked 3 days this week. Even though I feel so relieved now my coworker has finally moved to another desk far away in the corner.

My head feels foggy, my body feels heavy, my digestion is screwed up. I'm not ready to admit I need a time out, though. Because I just got back from a holiday. I can't go on sick leave now! Hopefully I can at least recover a little bit over the weekend. Two days aren't going to be enough, but it's better than nothing?

Hhmmppfffgggrrrrajsjdkckfj

Sorry. I am getting so frustrated with how I feel. I don't know what this is. Not the usual overwhelming sadness from depression. I feel...... Whiny. Like I'm not really sad, but I still feel like crying often, in a whiny way. Obviously I do not want to be like this :/

Had a few days of feeling slightly better physically but today I am back to the exhaustion and foggy head and dizziness and nausea.
I want to start therapy again but I'm scared if I get someone not familiar with AvPD I'll end up getting worse.

"I believe that is your truth."

I realize I shouldn't have brought up the issue with my coworker again to my team lead, I made a huge mistake, but those words from her still have me fuming days later.

Am I overreacting? I feel like it's what you might say to calm down a crazy person. I'm not saying aliens tried to abduct me! I'm saying a coworker's behavior towards me was passive aggressive at best, at worst it could be seen as bullying, and you should've done something!

And yeah, I probably shouldn't have admitted that it bothers me she's been promoted.... But a) I'm from a country where we're more direct and open and this wouldn't be such a horrible thing to say and b) as TL she should stay professional and not start ranting at an employee and making them feel worthless.

I was supposed to go to a concert tonight. I've already booked my train tickets and it's non refundable. I even booked a seat on the train this morning, so that's even more money lost if I don't go.

But I'm not feeling well. I think the week has been too stressful and now I'm finally off work for two days, it's catching up with me. I don't even feel like going anymore. I'm sitting here crying at my desk, feeling anxious and shaky and tired. I'll feel like a quitter if I don't go. And angry with myself for wasting all that money. At least my hotel room can still be cancelled with no cost.

I just.... I really don't want to be me anymore. I hate being me