Scared of falling back

*sigh* around 1:45 AM, some drunk neighbours woke me up. I don't even know exactly where it was coming from - I'm surround by lots of buildings, making everything sound super loud. Even after I'd closed my window and put in ear plugs, and after they shut up, I didn't manage to fall back asleep until maybe close to 5 AM. So I am not feeling very good today. Spending another Saturday mostly lying on my couch even though I have a ton of stuff left to do

I'm also getting worried that when my parents are here, I won't have the energy to do anything fun at all.

Hiya. Just curious if you're taking any meds? I'm really kind of opposed to taking pills to improve circumstances (this rarely works in my estimation), but sometimes they just give you the energy to re-boot.

My parents used to visit me when my employer transferred me around the US. It was always nice to see them, but I felt the pressure to entertain. I don't do that sort of thing naturally so I was afraid of letting them down, but they were always happy to be there anyway.

I had a lot to do today, too. I really need to throw away this computer.

Hey...don't you have a birthday next week?

Nope, not taking any meds. I tried once but the side effect were so bad I had to stop after three days. Not really willing to try that again. But maybe I'll check out something natural to help me sleep, at least.....
What I need is just something positive to look forward to. I hate that my entire summer is looking so empty, not a single concert to go to (those are my happy place).

Yes, I feel the same when my parents visit me! Like I have to entertain them and be in a good mood. Last time they came to visit this work drama had already started and I really needed a shoulder to cry on, so I was looking forward to them being here. But then they were here and it had to be fun and when they left I felt like I'd only had distraction, but no comfort.
And my dad cooks, which of course I'm really grateful for. But then he makes a HUGE mess in my kitchen and doesn't clean anything and I'm like... It's NOT okay to do this to someone else's kitchen! Can't say anything though because then he's insulted. (Come on, it's totally possible to cook a good meal and not make such a big mess!)

Yes, I do have a birthday next week..... On Friday. The 13th.
Things do always seem to go wrong on my birthday!

LOL...your dad cooking and making a mess. I don't cook (except for microwave frozen meals, if that counts), but anything I do in the kitchen I clean up immediately. Hmmm...okay, maybe not all the time. My kitchen is visible from the front door, so I'm more inclined to keep it tidy. I ask people to call before they come over so I'm not startled by the doorbell (and also I'm not likely to open my door without expecting someone anyway), but some people don't get it. My next-door neighbor, for instance, is always wanting to borrow stuff (ladder, tools, etc.), and he never bothers to return it, so I'm always having to "borrow" my own things back from him. PITA

As for natural things to take for sleep? Well, I take a combo of Benadryl OTC, melatonin and Ambien. I'm concerned that it may not be safe. Dr. Google sometimes says safe and sometimes says not safe. Dr. Google is clearly not sure which. I have a fitbit-type watch that tracks sleep and heart rate, etc., and I don't think I'm having any CNS symptoms (like dangerously low heart rate), but I should probably stop taking all of this. On the other hand, I get 8 hours of high-quality sleep and awaken refreshed. My watch tells me that I'm getting deep sleep for ~4 hours, so I feel pretty good...and I have fabulous Hollywood technicolor dreams that are interesting.

Oh -- on Netflix there's a show called "Safe." I'm really enjoying it...you may, too, if you like detective stuff. Not usually my cup of tea, but I think the acting is good...and the plot is WAY complicated (like...who the heck is THIS character...oh yeah...).

So anyway...have a nice day!

I'm having a hard time at work today my other coworker is sick so it's just me and team evil *****.
I really, really don't want to be here.

Every time I think about applying for that other position(which might already be gone) I realize I don't really want to leave here.....but I don't want to keep seeing her every day either. I hate that I might have to leave a team where I feel comfortable because of one person. But this one person is so very present, she's involved in everything so kind of hard to ignore.....

Okay. Well, try to bear in mind that not everyone has to like you. When you try to be an all-around nice person, willing to work hard, give your very best all the time, and are easy to work with, too, still there are others who try to create drama. You don't have to work a full work this week because of your birthday, right? You really can't let this eat your up. You can't. She's not worth it.

Yeah, just 2,5 days to go. I think it's the loneliness making it harder today
And I kinda felt like I was doing all the work by myself this morning. don't know what the other two were doing

I'm finding it hard to find the strength to go out and buy lunch.....

Maybe part of me wants to fall in the hope that someone will notice. Even though my rational brain knows that won't work. I guess I still feel bitter about my team lead's dismissal. The lack of consequences.

I don't want to think about it. I want to focus on positive things. but a) there's not much fun for me to focus on and b) the sense of unfairness is overwhelming

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to hate myself but I feel fat and ugly and not good enough because I'm a shy introvert and I have AvPD. At moments like these I feel like there's no point in trying to make myself feel better because I'd just be lying to myself. I'm not much good for anything, am I?

To be honest, when I was in your frame of mind, I went inpatient. I was in the hospital for two weeks and then on a leave of absence for two weeks. Part of me actually believed that this bully would greet me back and forgive whatever grudge she was holding against me. Nope. Think again. Exactly the same treatment. I mean, I was gone for a month, and you would think...<sigh>

What's kind of interesting is that this was a hospital where I worked. I was transferred to inpatient through that hospital's ER. Sooo...people talk, and I knew they knew where I had been. Nobody probed for details, and I didn't offer them. (One person actually did ask, and I told him that I had been dealing with an emergency.) Really, life goes on. My point is, getting help can help. If people find out, well, they find out.

Worst-case scenario: Your circumstances at work don't change. Best-case scenario: She'll quit...now that's what I'm going to hope for. I took some comfort in my belief that justice prevails and that people are ultimately accountable for their lives.

Ohhhhhhhhh listen. Yesterday I watched a Netflix thing: Silence is Music (I think that was the name?)...it was the story of Andrea Bocelli. Oh my gosh. I cried at the end, it was so good. Highly recommend.

I don't expect anything from her. I just want her to stay away from me. my hope is also that she quits! I thought maybe she will if she doesn't get a promotion. Either quit or have a breakdown. But today I kinda got the feeling that she may have actually gotten it or will get it. I don't know why. Probably just my imagination. But it may have triggered this.... Phase.

I'm sure it's just a phase. Although I kind of do want to get help.... I'm not sure how to go about it here, I don't have a doctor I trust. And I wouldn't say I'm in a crisis , I'm not suicidal or anything. Hell, it might just be PMS again. And I don't want to e forced to take any medication. I did a 16 week program several years ago and that helped me so much..... But I got there with a referral from my therapist at the time and there was a waiting list of several months so I guess that was a little different?

I just finished watching The Forest on Netflix. It's a French mini series, only six episodes long. Although it's about a serial killer and I don't speak French..... It makes Mr want to move to a little French village near a forest.

If she gets promoted, how does the dynamic change? Will that mean you won't have to interact as frequently? Please, please, please let her quit (my mantra).

As an aside, somebody at my current job was super snarky yesterday and said something w-a-a-a-y mean and unnecessary. Sheesh. Where do these people come from? I immediately went into a slump and felt stupid and incompetent and dishonest, as well as thinking that my hair looked bad. Go figure. Well, it's hot and humid here so OF COURSE my hair looks bad. I'm not a magician, am I? Ya know what helped? I knew of one person in the place who likes me, and I told her the story word-for-word. First she said, "Whoa. That was ugly." Then she laughed it off and said I should just ignore it. Easier said than done, huh? I laughed and thanked her, then I went back to work. It was soooo nice to have someone listen and agree that it wasn't ME. I also found a lot of physical relief/release in laughing; ya know, it was like either laugh or cry.

The whole snarky thing was weird. I made an error last week. It was really a lapse of memory...I forgot to do something I had agreed to do. I realized it on Saturday and started to do damage control ASAP. I accepted my responsibility and apologized. Soooo this person threw it all in my face yesterday, in a rude and public way. Oh go get a life, lady. What a b***h. "I guess you've never made a mistake, have you?" I thought.

I think you've mentioned that you don't have a go-to person there? Well, you have lots of go-to people here. So vent all you want.

When I saw your last comment about The Forest, I thought, "WOW! Break speaks French and is fluent in English and lives in Europe! She's...like...brilliant!!" LOL

Ohhhh, I wanted to mention that I've never threatened or felt like SI/SH either. I think that my pdoc takes my meltdowns even more seriously because I'm not histrionic. I'm inclined to avoid drama.

Pfffft! Stupid coworker! I really don't understand people who have to be mean to others What's the point in pointing out a mistake if you've already noticed it and started to fix it?
To be honest, I'm kinda grumpy today as well and very, very easily annoyed by everyone around me (did I mention I'm PMSing? ) but I know that's ME. They're not really doing anything wrong. The old lady can't help that she walks so slowly in the train that all seats are taken by people coming in through the other door by the time she's finally sat down.

Yes, it's good to have someone to vent to! Your other co-worker sounds pretty cool!

If she gets promoted.... she would probably move to a desk far away in the corner But I would feel kinda invalidated - it would confirm that her passive agressive behaviour was acceptable. I hate how she's already acting like she's in charge of everyhing. She needs to be taken down a notch.

Haha oh no, unfortunately not. My French vocabulary is pretty much limited to Bonjour, ca va?, comment tu t'apelle?, oui, non, bien sur, a bientot, bonne nuit, le chat est sous le lit Embarrassing really, I took French for 4 years in school.

LOL -- I have 4 years of French, too. So much for memory. Well, I could read what you wrote, at least!

I'm grumpy today, too, and have no excuses. Oh well. Better get ready for work now. Ick.

That's something I still remember this one French exam.... There was a text we had to read and then there were questions that were answered in the text.
I thought it was about some guy organizing hikes in the mountains.
It turned out to be about a mail man delivering the mail.

Have a good day! Hope people at work today will be nothing but nice to you

One day.... One more day at work tomorrow, and then I won't have to see coworker for two whole weeks! YAY!! (I have 2 days + the weekend and she has the next 1,5 week off) Gonna try for another early start so I can go home early as well.

Ugh, sorry, need to vent to.... An unfriendly cashier at the supermarket just had me literally shaking with nerves and embarrassment.

I wanted to get a bread roll from their bakery but as I tried to put it in a bag I accidentally dropped it on to the floor. I panicked at first. Took another one and put it in the bag, then got another bag for the roll that had fallen on the floor. While I was getting the bag, someone picked the bread roll up from the floor and PUT IT BACK where someone else might take it and walked off. So then I had to ask another shopper "did you see which one it was?" Which already made me feel awkward.

So I got to the register, the cashier scans my other items and I nervously tried to hand her the roll and tell her it had fallen on the floor. Admittedly I wasn't speaking very clearly because I was nervous and German is freaking difficult to pronounce for non-native speakers, so I totally get that she didn't understand me the first time. I repeated myself more clearly, and she asked "are you buying this as well?"
"No, you should throw it away!"
"I don't get it." *throws me a nasty look*
"It was on the floor. Without the bag!"
Another worker walking by told her "it was on the floor!" (So obviously she understood what I'd been saying!!)
Finally she got it and she just answered with "there's a trash can at the bakery" making me feel so stupid and I held up the line at a busy time.

I'm trying to do something right - even though that puts me in a situation that scares me. she didn't have to be so nasty about it! "Oh, thank you! Just so you know, there's actually a trash can at the bakery you could've thrown it in" wouldn't have been that difficult to say, would it??

Wow. Trying to do the right thing and what does it get you? If that were to happen where I live, they'd all be very accommodating and appreciative. Of course, it's a small town, and we all speak English. Buying something that had fallen on the floor? Ick.

Here's a rant for ya: My work schedule is odd because it's part-time. Yesterday (before I arrived) there was apparently a serious conflict between two people, and one of them left the workplace in an uncontrolled state of fury. Nobody filled me in on this, so when the furious individual appeared on the work site unannounced, I wasn't aware of what had happened earlier in the day. Nevertheless, all my internal "alert" senses started screaming...I felt threatened, and I thought of ways to de-escalate the situation...ya know, talk softly and slowly, look him right in the eyes, be friendly and respectful, don't argue, blah, blah. Everyone in authority was in a conference at the time. I wrote down his demands carefully and let him read it to be sure I had understood him, and I assured him that I would let the right people know ASAP. He left but was apparently met by police and escorted to the police car in handcuffs. Whaaaaa...? Did I miss something?!?

Now I had been there (a few hours) long enough to have been brought up to speed. So of course, post-event, I was advised that I should have handled the matter in a myriad of ways other than what I actually did. I'm so upset. This could potentially escalate in a way that makes me profoundly vulnerable, as I'm frequently alone in the building while working. I'm not clairvoyant, folks.

Just feeling inadequate, frustrated, angry, and...a little afraid, too. I feel really emotionally unstable and am concerned about my own mental health. If these people would just support me -- just once.

Escorted off in handcuffs, that sounds serious!! Yeah, they definitely should have warned you about that beforehand!

*hugs* that was asbolutely not your fault. You did the best you could, tried to stay calm.
Hope you told your coworkers it was THEIR mistake for not mentioning this to you!

My parents are here now. they came over in the morning and after spending most of the day with them I'm really looking forward to some alone time! They'll be here another hour or two for dinner though

Yeah. What YOU said ^^^^^ Hah! THEIR mistake. Yeah. What BreakForTheLight said, people. You listenin'? LOL. Have a nice dinner!

Haha yeah, I will totally back you up!

Finally have my place to myself again. Parents went back to their hotel just before 9:30. It's been a long day! A good day, but tiring!

And now.... There's less than two hours to go until my birthday

(cough, cough)

Is the microphone on? Tap, tap.

Wait. I have to tune. Just give me a minute.

Can you hear me in the back row? Yeah?

Okay, then. I think I'm ready.



Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to BreakForTheLight.
Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuu.
(and many more!)





Oh, stop the applause. I'm not THAT good.

A very Happy Birthday to you BreakForTheLight! Hugs and much love.

Thanks, guys!

Awwww Sparkz, that was beautiful! *wipes away a tear*

Made my day a little less terrible

We were going shopping today. Dad went back to the hotel because he wasn't feeling well and then mom's back/legs were hurting so we went back to my place. Fun day! It's only 2 PM and it looks like we won't be doing anything else today (And I'm very tired because I didn't sleep much)

You're welcome, Break! People don't usually compliment my singing voice, but if it's from the heart, ya know, it still works. I actually do play violin, however...that's what I went to college for (yeah, that was a really practical career choice, guaranteeing a lifetime of economic stability ) I have a really beautiful instrument -- German, by the way -- if you look closely at me playing above, you can see how lovely it is and how well the sound projects.

Sorry about your shopping plans not working out. There's nothing funner than spending money. Have a good day anyway.

My little Yorkie, Sparky, passed away last year. I was heartbroken, so I asked the Humane Society a few months later to keep me in mind if they ever took in a Yorkie. They called last night, so I'm going to check out the doggie at 11:00 today. I don't mean to be a snob, but I'm kind of loyal to the breed standard, color, markings, behavior, etc., so I'll have to see if it's a match. I need to keep a level head (pets are very expensive and a long-term relationship...I don't take the commitment lightly).

So I checked out the little dog this morning. She was lovely, and just the right size, but her coat was basically short and white (distinctly un-Yorkie) and coarse (unlike the long, black, silky coat of a Yorkie). I declined to adopt her. I hope I made the right decision.

You are not being weak and there is nothing wrong with feeling the way your feeling. Let me assure that I feel like this all the time. I had people treated me the way people had treated you. It all the depression voice talking but finding a way to fight back is a struggle. I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! Have you found someone to talk to like a therapist?