What is wrong with me? *I feel really terrible*

I've been feeling really low lately and I don't know what to do. My therapist is ill and she hasn't been working for weeks now. I'd finally started to see some positive effects of the therapy on my self when she got ill and now I feel a full relapse of all of my symptoms if it's not even worse than before...

I need some insight and clarity into what is it that actually might be going on with me and whether or not to seek a psychiatrist.

1. I have low mood - I don't have a low mood all the time, it seems like it comes in something that seems like a depressive episode. I'm definitely having one right now. Even though the depressive mood doesn't usually last longer than a few days, it's very intense. I usually doubt my whole existence, I feel useless, weak, disturbed, suicidal.

2. Chronic emptiness - Even when I don't have a low mood, I nearly always feel somehow empty, incomplete. The empty feeling can get so overwhelming that it seems to go outside of my own self to the whole world and the universe. At my worst, I feel like everything and everyone is essentially empty and hollow and lacks any real meaning.

These feelings of emptiness can get extremely scary and they sometimes lead to anxiety.

3. Low self confidence - Lately I've been struggling with really low self confidence. I feel like nearly everyone is wiser, more accomplished and better looking than myself. I feel pretty inferior to other people.

4. Obsessive habits - I tend to have obsessions such as using the internet to avoid the negative feelings. Sometimes I think I must be autistic or something like that to have this sort of limited access to what actually stimulates me and I keep on engaging in these behaviors even though they're not normal or good.

5. Low attention spam - Even though I tend to get obsessive over some things in my life, generally I can't do one thing for very long and get distracted very easily. Far more easily than others that I know.

6. Substance abuse - I don't know if I cal call it this way... but I do get tipsy about every thrid day. I never get really drunk though, I always know when to stop drinking, but I know I drink quite too often. It has lead me to be less active and capable at work the next several times and even though I try to stop, I never get pass two days.

7. Extreme feelings of guilt - I don't experience guilt like normal people do. Whenever I do something wrong I beat myself up for it for a really long time with huge intensity. I can't ever forgive myself or accept myself for my flaws.

8. Disturbed eating habits and body dysphoria - I can't say that I have anorexia or bulimia, because I have a healthy weight and I don't puke nor use laxatives after food, but my relationship with it is definitely not healthy. I control my calorie intake, avoid way too many foods for being too high in calories or fat, or for being unhealthy and I weigh myself almost daily feeling extremely stressed whenever I gain.

9. Self hatred - I'd say that I actually really hate myself. I don't see anything really positive at myself. I'm an awful person...I'd probably just kick myself like crazy if I could. I used to self harm as a kid, but now I don't want others to see how ****ed up I am so I rather don't do it anymore.

Hello Erecura. Yes, it must be the depression causing all these things you outlined, definitely. But I'm reluctant to advise that you head off to a psychiatrist because I've had quite a few bad experiences, ongoing side effects, from psych medications. Yet on the other hand it's psych medications that are almost the only thing giving me relief - to a degree. Hang in there please, and know you're not alone with all this. The things you're experiencing are actually quite common to people with depression, anxiety and other psych issues.

What you've described sounds to me like textbook major depression. But no one here can diagnose you since we don't know your health history and we're not professionals.

I strongly encourage you to see a mental health professional. Best to you.

You're pretty much writing what I feel Erecura.

I have been depressed for nine months now after having to stop one of my meds suddenly due to a bad reaction.

I'm seeing my pdoc regularly to adjust meds and possibly start a new one.

These lows have passed before and I'm hoping this one does too.

As for making a recommendation for you, I can't do that but I hope my personal experience helps you come to a decision for yourself.

2. Chronic emptiness - Even when I don't have a low mood, I nearly always feel somehow empty, incomplete. The empty feeling can get so overwhelming that it seems to go outside of my own self to the whole world and the universe. At my worst, I feel like everything and everyone is essentially empty and hollow and lacks any real meaning.

These feelings of emptiness can get extremely scary and they sometimes lead to anxiety.

I also experience this kind of chronic emptiness throughout the day and yes, it's quite scary.

3. Low self confidence - Lately I've been struggling with really low self confidence. I feel like nearly everyone is wiser, more accomplished and better looking than myself. I feel pretty inferior to other people.

I also feel like this....other people are more beautiful, accomplished and intelligent than me. It makes me depressed.

Maybe you could think about seeing a psych doc. You can change doctors till you find the one who suits you the best....hugs to you.