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#1
Jun 29, 2018, 03:34 AM
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I'm tired of having to lie about how I feel. I'm okay very rarely and I'm often depressed. But I keep it on the inside because I can't let it show. I have to be the strong one in my life because if I'm not then others worry about me and I can't stand that. They treat me like I'm glass and I'll break at any moment. I used to be the strong one. I was the person I wanted to be. Happy, sorta popular, good friends, love in my life. Then it all changed. Mind you I've always suffered from depression. When I was a kid I just never talked about it. Now it seems to be all I can talk about. I just don't see a life worth being happy about. All I see are broken dreams, lies and lost memories of a time that I had the world at my grasp. I know I'm young but I feel that my best times are behind me. I feel like things are never going to get better. I've been like this for five years. I mean I've had good times. I've had moments where I thought things were going to get better. I've tried many med combos, and felt better but then it got right back to where I was. I just wish I was where I was back then. Happy with the way my life was going with people I could talk to about anything. Not having to hide who I am and my feelings and thoughts.
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There is darkness all around me, and darkness in my heart. |
 Anonymous50909, bpforever1, Candy1955, Fuzzybear, mote.of.soul, Purple,Violet,Blue, Rohag, ShadowGX, Skeezyks, SparkySmart
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#2
Jun 29, 2018, 01:42 PM
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I keep it all to myself as well. (It's along story & I'll spare you the details.)
 But what I will say is that I know, from personal experience, keeping it all to yourself is exhausting.  I hope that, in some way, you can find your way back to that person you used to be. 
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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#3
Jun 30, 2018, 09:07 AM
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#4
Jul 03, 2018, 05:01 PM
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If my family knew I was on this site they would be very upset. But I don't want to disappoint them, so I say nothing. I also don't want them to think I'm weak. I know that depression is not a weakness, but I was doing so well, and I feel like I am sliding back into the abyss.
I am so sorry you have been suffering for five years. Know that you have people here who will listen to you and feel similarly. I relate very much to your comment about feeling as if there is nothing to look forward to. I find myself feeling that way often; I am quite a bit older than you, but I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I think, it's over. It's too late. I don't know why I think that, and intellectually I know I should not. But if I am being honest, I do feel that way. |
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