Thinking of letting go (Who am I kidding)

The temptation to give up and let go is always there. Some days, like today, the temptation is stronger than others. In the end though I am a coward who is all talk. There have been occasions where it would take 1 small simple action to end it & the last minute I chicken out and do nothing. 1 time I could have done nothing, taken no action at all, & I would have died. In the end I was too much of a coward and acted.
So when I say I want to kill myself who am I kidding? I know better. If I did I would not still be alive today. In the end I am either a coward, or a liar. Maybe both....

I don't think you are a coward or a liar. It takes quite a lot of strength to live everyday with a high level of depression. And it's an expression of how badly you feel.

I don't think it's cowardice or dishonesty. At the end of the day, humans are just animals with primitive instincts. What keeps any species from extinction? An unbreakable code in our functioning called: Survival. It's branded into our DNA and basic functioning. Suicidality is a much newer part of (a percentage of people's) brain function, or rather dysfunction. Those primitive instincts are beyond difficult to override. It's not impossible but it isn't easy. Does this mean you're a coward? No, it means your survival instincts are intact even while another part if your brain is trying to self-terminate. At the end of the day, this is evidence that depression (and the SI that can come along with it) is really an illness that your body can't always fight off by itself.

And that's why I envy those that have the courage and strength to override these instincts.
(I'm sure I will get backlash for saying that, but at the end of the day that's how I view it. I am not glorifying suicide nor eill I ever tell anyone they should kill themselves. But I won't talk someone out of it either.)

No backlash here. Sometimes I can't help but think of it the same. At the same time, I have to combat it otherwise I fall down the rabbit hole (even further ).

I will talk someone out of it. I recently figured out that I really have no desire to kill myself, and I don't want to be dead. I do, however, have a very strong need to not live THIS life any longer. I want a new life. I think maybe others feel the same way, but get so fixated on the need to not live this life that they think that means physically ending it. I found this differentiation to be liberating and a huge relief. I want to live. I just need to find a life that I want to live.

When things do not go to the way you want it, you are frustrated. Go to a public pool and stand under the shower head with high volume and drown your sadness and not jump into the pool to get drown ! Go to the top floor to scream, shout and laugh loudly for the whole flat to hear and not to jump down ! Go hawker Centre and order many many dishes to eat to your heart contents and not to choke yourself . There are many many ways to let off your steams. At the end you will be so tired and fall asleep.

I hear exactly what you're saying. Every day I consider it. When I make up my mind to do it, I chicken out. Then I get mad for chickening out. Then I feel ashamed for wanting to do it in the first place. Ugh.

You and some here are being to harsh on themselves, my life is **** and I say that in the sense of how my brain is wired. A part from my disastrous social life I have what slot of men would die for. Still I was born this way, and depression kicks in. I've tried it, my body always fought it or in one instance I didn't have the "balls". The good angel is happy with that, but in the back of my head my demons tell me I'm a coward. It's a constant battle brother. Is life a gift? I think so. Work with your T and yourself, I'm getting much better. I got more options, family members to call. Didn't try anything for over a year. That's just something I want to share. Bless you