[Rose76]

I've been awake all night. This was deliberate, as I didn't take my usual night meds that help me sleep. I've been afraid that, if I fall asleep, I'll wake up very depressed, as I did yesterday. It took me all day Friday to climb out of the morning depression. I even took one or two extra doses of Ritalin and an extra dose of Vicodin.

Now I'm getting tired, and I want to lie down. I haven't brushed my teeth in two days. The apartment is a mess. Haven't washed a dish in two days. I know I'll pull out of it eventually because I always do. Until I do, little matters to me. I want my bf to act comforting toward me, but that's just beyond him.

I'm getting sick of doing nothing . . . just reading. That usually leads to me tidying up the place and starting to feel better. But the place is a wreck. I've barely kept up with feeding him. He doesn't understand "being depressed." It never happens to him.

I think I'll be better today. His attendant doesn't help me as much as she could. I do everything to make her job easy. She's very nice, but she takes little initiative. She leaves dishes in the sink, doesn't keep the kitchen counters clean and puts away the laundry sloppily. I think I will tell her to take Monday and Tuesday off. I believe I can better catch up on my housework, if I don't have her here in the middle of the place. My bf and I might enjoy each other more, if we are alone for a few extra days. We'll be more relaxed.

I have to go to bed now.

[Smileonmyface]

Today I went to the store and ran into someone I thought was becoming a close friend. She went to introduce me to the person she was with and she didn't remember my name. I am glad I didn't truly let my guard down. This is why I don't trust people. I should know better. My downward spiral continues down the drain.

An alright day so far. It's still hot & humid and I'm sweating. I get so sick of this! I finished my housework early. I didn't do light shopping early this morning like I usually do this time. But I realized I need some new towels, so I'll have to go to the store soon.

I'm feeling fairly good because I went to another discussion board (it was a Christian one) and asked for prayer about wanting to leave my condo complex. The responses were very good, so far, and they were on my side on how I feel. That particular discussion board can be notorious for having meanies on there. I kind of expected to get a reply that I wouldn't like, but it hasn't happened so far. So that's good!

[lotusblossom19]

Incredibly tired. It's like no amount of sleep is enough. Jesus Christ. I've been pretty productive but in like a lazy way if that makes sense. Getting stuff done but dragging feet the whole way. Using sleep as an escape. Doesn't solve anything because it's never enough.

[Sunflower123]

My life, both present and future, seems very bleak today. I am both horrified and relieved that I’ve started the ball rolling. I’ll give myself a few days and see if I can work my way out of it.

Sending hugs to those that are struggling.

A mixed day for me emotionally today. I finally got my check from the HOA that was promised to me. It made me very happy. But after that, the happiness wore off as some things happened to bring me down. While I was driving to go shopping bells were going off in the dash of my car. It kept on saying that I had low oil. I just recently had an oil change. I took it to a service place to have it looked at and they concluded that the oil sensor switch is worn out. No work was done yet, so I'll take care of it tomorrow. I had other plans for tomorrow, so I'll have to postpone it. That got me down.

Other than that, nothing much going on. Feeling very alone right now. I'll be watching a movie soon. I get tired of doing that.

Hi, it's me again! Today is another day. Woke up feeling depressed. It's still uncomfortable with the weather - hot and humid. After breakfast I took my car to the repair shop. They told me that it will be ready in a couple of hours. At least they were nice to give a lift home. The shop is pretty close to home. So, more money is going out.

Nothing else to report about. My sister usually calls me on Sundays, so I hope to hear from her.

[nikon]

i hope everyone is doing ok.

i went away with friends last night and stayed in a cottage on a farm. it was really nice, and the first time i've been "on holiday" for years. i want to do that kind of stuff more: going out and doing things, rather than sitting at home watching series. one of the problems is money. like, i'd love to do all these exciting things, but they're usually expensive.

one thing that troubles me sometimes is that even when i'm happy and enjoying things, it feels like there's a layer of something over that, which dampens it down a bit. like the happiness can't quite penetrate this layer of grey or layer of numbness. i can feel it, but it feels held back, too.

[katydid777]

It is a wet nasty day here, but I am doing ok. Nothing going on, and for here that is good! (((((((HUGS TO ALL)))))))

[Wild Coyote]

Am in the midst of a med change. Am dealing with side-effects today, as dose was increased just last night. The heat is not helping with this today. The sunswhine is helpful!

Love to All!

WC

I feel like today's been wasted really- lots of time, nothing accomplished.

overeating is still out of control too and still not sleeping

don't really think I felt depressed though today- maybe just a bit bothered by the voices in my head

I feel depressed!

Originally Posted by nikon

i hope everyone is doing ok.

i went away with friends last night and stayed in a cottage on a farm. it was really nice, and the first time i've been "on holiday" for years. i want to do that kind of stuff more: going out and doing things, rather than sitting at home watching series. one of the problems is money. like, i'd love to do all these exciting things, but they're usually expensive.

one thing that troubles me sometimes is that even when i'm happy and enjoying things, it feels like there's a layer of something over that, which dampens it down a bit. like the happiness can't quite penetrate this layer of grey or layer of numbness. i can feel it, but it feels held back, too.

Wow, that sounds exactly like me. It's been a good while since I've gone far away for my vacation. I think that the last time I went away was in 2012. I went to South Dakota. Before that, it was quite a few years that I went a long way from home. In 2012 I had worried that I would hold up since I was by myself; and had depression & panic attacks. I did OK. I'm so sick of being in a rut like I am.

And now I'm planning on taking time off in October and I would like to go to Washington State. I have never been there. Right now I worry that I would be able to do that for myself. I have always wanted to go there, but never got around to it.

On the second paragraph, I have that very same problem. I have a good time and then I'm always thinking that it's going to be over soon and back to the "not-so-great". I don't know why I should feel that way because my life, for the most part, is fine. But there are some issues going on that's not great. I wonder why we can feel dreadful about a good time that will be over?

[Yzen]

Wishing everyone strength for this new week. Strive for progress, not perfection. Any progress--no matter how small.

Hugs to everyone.

I am confident in saying this, really don't think I'm going to get much done today- even my self- care is only half an effert

and I am still overeating

and still not sleeping

I really need the toilet and can't even be bothered to get up and do that at the moment

[smallbluefish]

overall I'm feeling better than I have in a long time, but I'm also pushed into low periods much more easily these days.

for example, I feel very cared for by close friends, and even saw a bunch of them for a lovely homemade dinner/potluck today. meanwhile, I cried for hours the other day just because I misunderstood the tone of a text message from a friend as being cold (even when I knew that it was unlikely they were actually upset with me).

haven't been on here in awhile and I hope you're all taking care <3

[nikon]

Originally Posted by will19

Wow, that sounds exactly like me. It's been a good while since I've gone far away for my vacation. I think that the last time I went away was in 2012. I went to South Dakota. Before that, it was quite a few years that I went a long way from home. In 2012 I had worried that I would hold up since I was by myself; and had depression & panic attacks. I did OK. I'm so sick of being in a rut like I am.

And now I'm planning on taking time off in October and I would like to go to Washington State. I have never been there. Right now I worry that I would be able to do that for myself. I have always wanted to go there, but never got around to it.

On the second paragraph, I have that very same problem. I have a good time and then I'm always thinking that it's going to be over soon and back to the "not-so-great". I don't know why I should feel that way because my life, for the most part, is fine. But there are some issues going on that's not great. I wonder why we can feel dreadful about a good time that will be over?

it is boring being stuck in a rut, but also so easy just to do the same things all the time.

when i'm happy i also get the impending sense of doom, like it will only last a matter of time before i crash again.

today has been busy. work was stressful, but luckily nobody actually gave me a hard time. i'm still feeling kind of emotionally detached. i emailed my psychiatrist about something last week and wish he would reply. i don't want to email multiple times cos that really feels like it's too much.

i'm also having a day of hating my body, feeling so fat and disgusting.

[regretful]

Still not giving in to this, though I often want to...exercise, dietary supplements and as much prayerful meditation time as my busy mind will allow. I wish all of you well in your personal struggle against this invisible monster.

I'm home earlier than I thought I'd be and I'm glad because I got sick today. I'm very depressed. I will never be like other people. The past 4 days gave me a glimpse of what life is like for most people that don't have depression. I smiled a few times because some things were funny. but.

People I think are basically the same. What I really don't like is how everyone loves to talk about someone else. Like a relative of the bf's, I like him. He's quite nice and thoughtful. Well he got gout in his leg, and instead of sympathy, when he wasn't around, people were being nasty and saying "did you see how much he ate? He went up at least 3 times for supper, he's so fat, if he'd lose weight I bet he wouldn't have problems". Sometimes I hate the nature of people. There was more back talk about other people.

And I know people seem happy and might not be, but they definitely don't live in the despair I feel most of the time. Somehow they accept life as it is, and are able to joke and be sociable. I'm just not. Never was. I like being with one person for a while,, maybe a few, then I want to be alone. I can't handle days with tons of people. Sorry for the length of this, I guess it doesn't matter, I'm venting and I've always been thankful for psych central.

I'm starting to understand why my boyfriend doesn't want me. I am depressed almost all the time. I can't be positive enough for him. He'll say "cheer up would ya?" or, "can you at least smile sometimes?" and I'll try. And, as superficial as it is, honestly, I had a good look at myself in the sunlight today, and realized just how ugly my face has gotten. Moles, wrinkles, deep pores. I know how vain I sound. I never appreciated my body, ever. And now I'm old. I don't judge others for the way they look, but I just can't stand how I do. Maybe the bf wants a chance for someone better in every way.

I'm waiting until his brother goes home to tell him I'm letting him go. He's wanted this for so long. We almost made it to 3 years. But he's so unhappy, he has said so much that is hurtful, but its his truth and he has every right to feel how he does. He doesn't want me. But takes me back, and he has said many times now "you guilt trip me", many more things that a woman would be crazy to try to keep him.

I feel sick. My sons are ok, and I'm having thoughts of making a plan to exit this life. I'm tired of it.

[Smileonmyface]

took kids back to dentist today for daughter's sealant on her molars. went to walmart for groceries. kids acted up as usual. trying to focus on what made it an "above zero day" as my therapist said. if I add up what I am grateful for it does help distract me from my depression. it feels like it is so much of distracting oneself from the depression. i am still wondering what i did to not get help from the lady who used to help me anymore. i am probably being paranoid. i wonder what would happen if i asked my therapist about it. awkward.

grateful tonight that it is late enough to go lie down right after dinner. i never feel well after dinner and getting the kids ready for bed. i am too anxious even for tv. all i can do is lie down with my son, nurse him to sleep, and be alone with my thoughts, if the girls will let me. otherwise it is playing referee until they go to sleep. i think staying off facebook would help as well. but it is so addicting.

idk i'm rambling. i hope people are having an ok night.

I didn't sleep well last night. I had a pretty bad headache that must of started around midnight and continued until I took some extra-strength pain relievers just before breakfast. It helped, but the headache didn't completely go away. It's been a problem this month.

Work was pretty slow today, so the day dragged. Temperatures are a little bit cooler, but there's is that humidity still. I worked out after work and it went well, though I felt a bit tired because of the day and weather. Went to the pool area tonight. It started off OK and then some people came in to ruin it.

not much to really report.

feel good if a little bit agitated- yesterday some people decided to test my patience and I am making sure they are now regretting it.

I am still unable to control my overeating, despite me setting a goal again to eat less (I'm eating more)

and I didn't sleep

I'm doing better but I feel sad, numb and depressed. I've kinda lost my appetite. I feel like sometimes I don't know how to live my life without this person. I really hope I become the person I was. I don't want to be obsessed and depressed most of my life. However, I am more peaceful and I can give myself a month or two to get my head straight. I've been thinking a lot and it's starting to make sense. I should have done this after I broke up with him and I've had this since 2015. I'm frustrated and I tell myself I should have gotten over them by now. I just have to do the things I used to love and keep myself busy.

[WishfulThinker66]

Well not so good at this very moment. I came home to find a sea of emergency vehicles directly in front of my home. For a start I thought my house was burning but no, it turns out it was a response to the house across the street where lives a kindly elderly lady. I do not think this ended well and I have had a good cry. It has made me pause and consider the mortality of my father and others getting on in age. Upsetting to say the least.