[ClaireM]

i dream of

Possible trigger:

being chopped up/killed in some other brutal, bloody way. when my horror-fixated friend says he'll do same my legs tingle (feels amazing) & i relax totally & encourage him to make his threats against my life worse. he looks as if, were i to annoy him too much he would carry them out. when a mutual friend warned me against going to our local shop due to there being 3 men wielding machetes i shot down there straightaway.

it's hard for me to relax anyway as i am wheelchair bound, stiff & need help w/ almost everything physically (most of us do but he doesn't. i am 4ft, have no upper body strength & wouldn't be able to get away. there are v few who can make me relax but he can.

Possible trigger:

is it cos people who aren't disabled often say they'd want to die so i feel i should. am i bored. when he said before he leaves (any time something doesn't suit he wants to leave) he'd batter me to death in my own bed, this was my reaction ==> :melting:

[Skeezyks]

Hello Claire: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. I'm not a mental health professional. And I don't feel qualified to suggest anything with regard to what this is all about. From my perspective, I really think this is something you need to be talking through, at-length & in-depth, with a psychologist or mental health therapist.

There is a forum, here on PC, dedicated to the subject of self-injury. And although from what you wrote, it sounds as though you're not self-injuring you're imagining what it would be like to be harmed, perhaps the self-injury forum may still be of interest. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/self-injury/

And then, since you mentioned you're wheelchair bound, the health support forum may also be one to take a look at:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/health-support/

Here are links to 2 "Ask the Therapist" articles, from PsychCentral's archives, where the writer asked about having thoughts of wanting to be hurt. Perhaps the answers the therapists gave will help to provide you with some insight into what you are experiencing:

I want to be hurt | Ask the Therapist

Thoughts of Wanting to Get Hurt | Ask the Therapist

My best wishes to you...

[Taylor27]

Welcome to pc. Big hugs i hope you find support here. I would report your friend to the police if you feel threaten. Also it might be a good idea to seek out a therapist. Also know you are never alone so welcome again to pc.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC!

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home.

Why are you fantasizing about being harmed? Are you under a lot of stress?
How can we best help?

I hope to see you around the forums.


WC

[mountainstream]

[ClaireM]

1 of care facility's inmates tells me off re *everything* -- @ idea of being chopped up = free of that xx

[ClaireM]

Originally Posted by mountainstream

thanks -- all I could say when he threatened to do so, growling the words in the back of his throat, was “my legs” – they seemed to weigh just a few pounds, they tingled & throbbed for ages. I hugged him & cried into his t-shirt w/ happiness. he actually had a conviction for bodily harm before I met him; that just makes the problems w/ legs worse

Originally Posted by ClaireM

1 of care facility's inmates tells me off re *everything* -- @ idea of being chopped up = free of that xx

how do you feel about death

do you want to die?

(I mean apart from the wanting to be chopped up thing,) how is your life and your outlook?

I know you said about the upper body strength and being disabled, must be tough for you.

who do you have to help you?

I guess in the end what I'm asking is.. does this come from the fact you think you deserve death, and deserve it in the worst possible way, or does it come from something else- like you are just obsessed with horror

I like horror and accidents as well.

I am from the UK as well, and a few years ago..

Possible trigger:

their was an accident at one of the major theme parks- and among other things happening, a woman lost her leg

all I can remember thinking was.. I wish I was their, I wish I was in the queue for that fateful ride, and I wish I would have lost my leg too

it had nothing to do with the fact I wanted pain or to be injured, just my love for horror, and the feeling of being " left out", of an important event.

yeah, " left out"

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree that you may want to see a therapist