I must be a special kind of stupid

I am considering going to a psychiatrist. Every time I seek help it never turns out good. Yet something has to give. I honestly don't know what to say. I don't know how little to say to get some medicine. I know enough to keep my mouth shut about being suicidal. I'm either a glutton for punishment or a special kind of stupid.

I am not gonna judge you or anything like that, but I am a pre-med and I think you are misinformed about the medical profession.

Psychiatrists or any other medical doctors for that matter, do not just see how much you talk and give you meds on the basis of talkativeness. A primary doctor isn't just like, "Oh, so you say you've cancer, take taxol" A good doctor analyzes, diagnoses, and then treats the patient. For analyzing, you need time, so some doctors push placebos or treat other conditions that may be affecting your mental health.


What you must understand is, if you don't trust doctors, you'll end up dead. My own speech is disorganized at this moment so I cannot make a lengthy post. Mutual trust and understanding will what make both patients and doctors less miserable.

Of course, if you want to be ignorant and judgemental about everything, go ahead and bash doctors and other healthcare professionals for being careless. Some might be, but it's totally and irrevocabily just stupid to say all the people in a particular profession are evil. They aren't. It's simply not possible.

While I do understand there are many, many cases of malpractices against doctors, a doctor doesn't make a healthcare system but a healthcare system does make a doctor. Money? Insurance companies. Power? Government and its bodies. Freedom? The police and lawyers.

Doctors have nowhere to go.

I should add that a hospital consists of physicists, chemists, pharmacists, nurses, nurse assistants and other members who actually contribute to your health. And their bosses are not doctors, but the hospital administrators. So you're bashing the wrong guys.

Of course, I may be wrong, but I added my opinion. It's nothing personal.

Friend, your post is a bit strongly worded. I know you are passionate, but healthcare systems and experiences vary by country, location and user.

The first time I was hospitalized they drugged me up so I hallucinated and I only saw a psychiatrist for 30 min once per week. I got the distinct impression in the ER and on the unit that I was a pain in the *** and worth less than those who did not have self inflicted injuries. They made me feel guilty for being depressed. How awful is that.

One nurse asked me what was wrong. She listened to me pour my heart out. In the end we were both crying. She was the one who changed my life. Not the doctor who rolled his eyes at me.

Yes stuff is repeating in my head at the moment and I am feeling trapped everywhere so I am a bit mad. So I apologize for my strong wording. I am not feeling very uplifting today.

What I forget to add is, it's not the norm nor recommendation to harm the patient. Doctors do that. Of course. But I am from a third-world country and even my doctors (who are burnt out... too much overworked) are nice to me. My psychiatrist does his best, while even though I am not a fan of him (he has unconventional methods, much like Dr.House), he has given me therapy and meds which have made me feel emotions again, and not the negative ones for that matter. Born to neuruopsychologically unwell parents, have to take their super unhealthy crap this day, I have never felt any emotions except anger in the past and fear in the present. If it weren't for my psychiatrist, I'd have been brain dead.

I am certainly not saying that doctors come to my home and threaten to my parents that they will adopt me if my parents don't let me become completely normal, but it does have an effect on my health. Yes, I am the one in therapy, because I am not completely out-of-hand like my parents. If it weren't for my primary doc, I'd been crying my *** off for years.

I certainly know your pain is real, doctors can suck. But that doesn't mean they will always suck. And as I pointed out in other posts, everyone can suck. Police officers, lawyers, politicians, the media etc.

I am glad the nurses changed your life. I truly am. I consider them healthcare professionals who actually take care of the patient in the hospital. Thinking about it reminded me of my last visit to hospital, in seventh grade. When we reached the hospital the nurse was sleeping over the desk, sitting in chair, with her arms around her head, at 7AM. In the HOSPITAL. So yes I do imagine the lives of practicing nurses as hard as doctors, maybe less or more variably.

I don't know why I am pissed off today, maybe because I haven't been outside.

Edit : I forgot to take my meds today. Got it.

I hope you'll go. I really think it could help

I really hope this time will work out for you. You've been struggling way too long.

I hope this works out for you

You may call BS on this and I don't blame you if you do. I'm just tired of constantly feeling suicidal. Some days are better than others. On a good day it is only a passing thought of "What if I did X Y Z?" Much in the same manner of "what if I went to the grocery store today and waited till tomorrow to shop for clothes?" On a bad day I think I should follow through with one of my many plans, but in the end I am too scared to follow through.
I am tired of dealing with this day in and day out. But if I really were then I would have done something about it long ago. It's a vicious cycle I'm stuck in. The more I think about going to a Dr the worse I feel. The worse I feel the more suicidal I get. This eventually makes me think I really should get help. Then I think about how well that has worked out for me in the past & that just makes me feel hopeless and sad which only makes my depression & suicidal thoughts worse. I don't know. Maybe I am ment to die & I'm fighting the inevitable.

Life's a mean drunk like that, just keeps swinging. I'm sorry you're dealing with this non-stop. You can always PM me. I want you to get help but I understand it's easier said than done. Before I finally gave in and went to a psychiatrist (first time since the last one screwed with my head), suicide played in my head everyday. Like you, some days were easier than others. It's still there, I'm not cured, it's just more manageable. I'm not spending days on end fixated on doing something. What I'm trying to say is -- when under the right pdoc's care -- things can get easier. I just hope you get a good one if you pursue this, you've been through enough due to "professionals".