[Skull&Crossbones]

I pretty much always get a severe episode this time of year. I think it’s going to be bad this year because it started early and I’ve had a lot of bad things happen. I just went through a breakup too, so I have less of a support system (not like I think a significant other SHOULD be a major part of a support system anymore. I was wrong for thinking that.)

At least if I weren’t single, I’d have to not hurt myself so I’m considered manipulative. I’d have someone to be in the same room with when I’m too bad to be alone (although, I know it’s selfish... I should be alone and leave them out of it.)

I just...I’m not sure what to do. Even if I took medication, it wouldn’t kick in fast enough to be of any use. My therapist sees me every two weeks, so not enough. But that’s her choice, not mine. I have few if any people who are safe to talk to and I have long lonely weekends.

[MtnTime2896]

I'm sorry I don't really know what to say but wanted to let you know I'm listening (reading). Be easy on yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

[Rohag]

I'm sorry this happens to you.

Feel free to ignore the questions:
How old is this pattern?
Is seasonal change a trigger?
Have there been any years when the episode was easier or absent?

[Skull&Crossbones]

The pattern goes backs years at least. I would assume seasonal change is part of it because it starts around mid-September and peaks on Halloween. Usually, I see some improvement in November. Last year wasn't so bad but every day had a pretty rigid schedule for most of the day with built-in socialization at least 5 days a week. I was also in a relationship then that hadn't started going downhill quite yet...but maybe I'm remembering it wrong or because I'm comparing it to this year which I'm also trying to contend with a breakup, quitting my job and going back to school, and a car accident that totaled my car.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

...I'm also trying to contend with a breakup, quitting my job and going back to school, and a car accident that totaled my car.

Wow. Even without the seasonal pattern, that collection weighs heavily on its own.

Any ideas why you tend to see improvement in November?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry. Let's hope it doesn't last long. In the meantime, I'd still try to take those medications.

[luvyrself]

Here I am, trying to be your auntie again. Wellbutrin can work VERY fast, it depends. . . . nOW before it gets worse. Sounds like sadd on top of original depression. Some people have a lot of luck w sadd lights. Yes, I think it would be important to figure out why u get better in Nov- you enjoy the holidays? Academic Vacation coming up? Don’t bite my head off if I’m wrong, holidays are a huge challenge for me and many on these forums. These forums are like real families- we actually bicker sometimes. Hope you can see the humor in that

[gubernova]

Have you tried light therapy? It really helped me out artificially creating sunlight in my room. Try amazon their are tons of different lamps that produce artificial sunlight. I like verilux personally

[Stellata]

I find September a rough month too. It's hard I know.

[Skull&Crossbones]

I already ordered a lamp. I have no idea why it's usually better in November. I assume I've adjusted to the light and the time change at that point? It's certainly not holidays or school/university breaks. I find those make me feel lonely and ruin my schedule.

[Skull&Crossbones]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Wow. Even without the seasonal pattern, that collection weighs heavily on its own.

Any ideas why you tend to see improvement in November?

I should also add I'm still mostly closeted when it comes to gender and sexual identity. My ex helped me see that I was partially in denial about same sex attractions but as I leave the relationship I don't know how or if I should pursue it or not. Even worse were the implications of my gender identity that I felt I had to more or less ignore for a few years. I tried to be 100% female, but it wasn't always comfortable or successful. He seemed to be more accepting of me actually presenting and me thinking about myself as genderfluid/non-binary/having a more male than female mind but in the end he never understood nor took the time to try to understand. It also would make it harder to find a man who would be compatible with me as my attraction to men is from both a male and a female perspective.

The point is, very few understand, I have very few options if I ever want to date again (so I guess I have to settle again), and the pain of knowing the only person who's ever really loved me loved the me he understood, not the entirety of me.