Been feeling really down for a while

scarlett35 · May 12, 2018, 07:46 AM

Just need to vent a bit really.

I've been feeling really down in the dumps for probably the last year. I've never been diagnosed with depression so I'm not sure if that's it. I suffer from really bad social anxiety and OCD and at the moment am really struggling with these as well as general dissatisfaction with life.

The social anxiety is getting to me a lot. Every social situation is really exhausting. I am constantly monitoring what I'm saying and how I'm coming across, terrified people won't like me and will think I'm boring or they won't like my personality. I try and be myself but I don't even know how to be myself anymore. I feel like I'm trying really hard to please everyone, which means I'm not really doing things for me and it's starting to really get to me. I think my self esteem has suffered a bit over the years due to critism from family. I've come to the think the only way I can be a worthy human is by trying to please everyone else. But I'm just getting tired of it. I'm having therapy for the social anxiety and trying to build my self esteem up.

My OCD is fairly under control at the moment, the therapist said that it's normal to only have one treatment goal, so she can't treat all this comorbid stuff that's going on. I picked social anxiety as that's what was really bothering me at the time.

As well as the anxiety, I'm feeling really down. I'm in a great relationship which I put a lot of effort into, but I struggle sometimes communicating my needs to my partner, mainly because of a lack of confidence. It isn't his fault at all, he is really great and we have a wonderful relationship full of adventures and fun stuff. I'm just scared to lay down any boundaries in case it puts him off of me.

I think I am also suffering from job dissatisfaction. This is really bothering me. I kind of fell into my job and I really loved it at first, but now I'm finding that I have a lack of stimulation as I either don't have enough tasks to do, or the tasks are quite mundane. I find I'm counting down the days to the weekend and holidays, which I feel is a waste of my life and I'm wishing it away. The job has been a massive trigger for the social anxiety as well as I wanted to fit in and be liked by new people. I don't have the confidence to do what I really want in my life which is really getting to me. I enjoy the security of having money which I've never had before, but I feel dissatisfied and if I say to anyone that I'm feeling this way, they say that "everyone has to do it" and brush me off.

I think all this has led me to think about death and I've started to become really anxious and obsessed about it. Things feel pointless as I will die one day anyway. I watch stuff on the telly and I feel like I can't enjoy them because i will "miss them" when I die. I know I should enjoy the here and now but I'm really struggling to. When I'm with my partner and parents I think about how long they might have left and count how many potential years they have. I'm also worried about what will happen after death, such as if I'll be just trapped in blackness feeling lonely for all eternity and never seeing my boyfriend or family again. I Google for reassurance (which seems an OCD type behaviour) it does give me short term relief, but it doesn't last long.

I've read that "death anxiety" is a common side effect of depression and I'm wondering if it's from this dissatisfaction with life that I'm having. I used to be so bright and laughed all the time, now I feel miserable. My grandad did die quite recently (about a year and a bit ago) and I think I maybe didn't give myself time to grieve properly. I'm worried about the enevitible getting older and how I will feel when im like 50-60 years old with a potential 20-30 years to live. I try to be grateful that I've had this opportunity to be alive but it's so difficult at the moment.

I'm on anti depressants (a very small dose) which I've only just started taking after a break as I was starting to feel really bad. I just don't want to spend my life being miserable as when I do eventually die, I'll probably regret that I spent so much time feeling miserable!

Does anyone have any advice?? I've read that death anxiety reduces as you get older? Can anyone relate to any of this??

Thanks

Skeezyks · May 13, 2018, 06:26 PM

Well... yes... I'm now pushing 70!

And I would have to say that I don't experience any such thing as death anxiety.

I think I probably did when I was much younger although, way back then, I was into a lot of mystical & occult stuff & I thought my "soul" would live on forever.

I hate to say that the people who tell you "everyone has to do it" are right, but that was certainly my experience. There were things I would have liked to do with my life as well. But, like you, I didn't have the confidence to pursue them. Plus in my case I both wanted & needed the money. Looking back, though, I now sometimes wish I had just chucked it all & gone off to do what I really would have liked to do. At least it's a nice fantasy.

There is such a thing as existential depression. Perhaps that is at least part of what you're experiencing? Here are links to 3 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is...al-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping...al-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/existe...human-anxiety/

My best wishes to you...

Wild Coyote · May 14, 2018, 12:00 AM

You are really good at expressing yourself!

I'm encouraging you to continue working with your therapist and to give the recently started med a chance.

I encourage you to work on self-esteem and co-dependency at some point.

As for wondering what personal investments are worth when we all die anyway, I get around that by believing I am here to learn to Love as best I can. I cannot do so with a closed heart. My heart has to be wide open. Love is healing for all parties, that is the type of Love that is Pure and healthy!

My challenge is to Love deeply, to show compassion and to live the best life while I an here. Life is full of all kinds of emotions. We are supposed to find beauty and enjoyment, along with disappointment, grief, sadness.

So, I encourage you to allow yourself to open your heart and to live as fully as possible. Love and allow Love to come your way. As you have mentioned, life is short! the sooner we find ways to enjoy aspects of life, the better life we will have while we are here on Earth!

With Love and Compassion,

WC

Fuzzybear · Oct 20, 2018, 07:29 PM

Hi

I hope it’s ok to reply to this old thread. I somehow missed it before. I don’t think it’s normal to only be able to work on one issue in therapy but I suppose it is...in this forest.

I find researching helps .. and posting here. There are a couple of good forums specific to that forest but I haven’t really tried them.

I can’t take meds.

Have you ever done any mindfulness? Feel free to ignore my questions, sometimes I’m over enthusiastic in my replies.

scarlett35 · Oct 21, 2018, 02:38 AM

Thanks all for the advice

I definitely think I was having some sort of extinential crisis at the time. I still think about death a lot and I feel scared, but not as much as before. I just want to live my best life possible and have fun.

Work has improved a lot and I now don’t mind going as much

I’m getting a lot of good feedback which really helps my motivation, and my therapy has made me worry less about what people think of me, so I feel much more relaxed than before. Although I’m not quite there yet!

I have tried mindfulness and it was recommended by my T. I do find it useful, I am such a rush of a person that I find it hard to sit still for ten mins or so and do it! But I am thinking of giving it another whirl

Thanks for all the replies