[ProdigalKnight]

I feel so alone. I am the one that people come to for answers, but inside I feel broken. I don't remember the last time I didn't feel this way.

The weight of everything can be crushing. I feel trapped.

I been taking a med, but I'm not sure that's doing anything.

I wonder what it would be like to finally just be free of it all.

I ended up on this forum after looking up various topics on the internet today.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ProdigalKnight: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. I'm glad you found your way here to PC. There's a lot of support that can be available here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the live chats where (once you first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved) you'll be able to interact with other members in real time. So please keep posting!

Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, on what to do when you feel lost or disconnected from yourself:

When You Feel Lost or Disconnected from Yourself

[ProdigalKnight]

Thanks for replying. Thats a good article you linked.

Besides feeling that way I described above in general, here is what triggered me today.

I've worked at a medium to large size non-profit organization for 20 years (salary), and just got an email saying that I no longer have sick leave (I was struggling with illness in January and February).

Apparently, I get 6 days a year paid sick leave. I started to feel picked on, as if there was discrimination against me or that they were trying to squeeze me out.

I started imagining what I would do if I didn't have this job. Where could I work, how could I support my family and pay the bills. Then, even if I kept this job, I thought of how horrible it would be to come to work each day with a feeling of not being wanted. It really got me in a downward spiral of hopelessness- coupled with concerns about an impending diagnosis of Type II diabetes. I feel like my best life was maybe 10-15 years ago, and now I'm just falling apart.

I was able to talk with my administrator and told her to go ahead and dock my pay if that's what she needed to do when I have to be out sick or take a kid to see the doctor. I told her I just didn't want to be picked on or singled out. She assured me that I was not. I guess we will see.

A psychologist told me once that I have a problem being in and enjoying 'the present', that my mind is always in high gear thinking about everything else rather than the good or joyful things that were right in front of me. I'm not sure how else to 'be in the present' other than looking and talking to one of my dogs when they are right in front of my face. I'm not even sure if that counts.

I know I need to find some ways to inject 'fun' or 'joy' into my life to counteract me and my thoughts.

[Monticello]

Always being the "helper" and never the "helpee" can be very lonely. Hopefully you can turn that construct around here and get some support. So, welcome and hope to hear more from you.

[Mopey]

Care to share why you feel trapped? Sadly, it's all too easy to find oneself in that position.

You say to yourself, "How the ---- did I get here????"

[mote.of.soul]

Welcome ProdigalKnight,

Just know you're not alone in wanting to be free from it all, friend. Many members here can relate. Keep reaching out too, and stay in touch with your doctor as well. Let him/her know how your meds are going.

A very warm welcome to PC.

[Fuzzybear]

[T4bbyCat]

Welcome to the forum... can't say I have much to add in terms of wisdom, but your post is much like the way I found this place. It's a good place to be, and I hope you find some solutions and answers here.

[Angela8]

Hi ProdigalKnight. I am here for the first time too. I feel squeezed and wrung out by life as well. You have understanding listeners here.

[mountainstream]