[cryingontheinside]

I feel really low . i haven't been on here for months .
Alot of bad stuff and difficult stuff has happened which i don't feel like talking about publicly
Im doing all my bad habits well not all because if I was I'd be drunk and on drugs again like in the past for self meficating
Im ashamed of myself and im lonely and feel empty
Im disgusted with myself
I don't feel completely suicidal yet but I'm almost at that level

I did something very brave today
I put myself on a dating app
I actually uploaded my picture even though the way i feel that i look makes me wish i was dead
Weirdly i had lots of attention
Men were even calling me beautiful
One man kept saying it and he even said he wants to marry me but I'm convinced he's a troll trying to set me up or have a laugh at my expense
I don't think anything good will come from the dating app.
Some seem to be looking for fun only
Im not lookung for anything really
Im just so lonely and empty and nothing can fill this void i feel inside .
I thought maybe talking on there would help a little but it didn't . everyone asked for my phone number but i didn't give it
One wanted to meet me tomorrow for sex . no chance .

Why oh why do i feel like this ?
What on earth can make me feel better ?
Im sick of hating myself

im so alone even when I'm not alone can anyone understand that

Is anyone here willing to be my friend ?
I think maybe it might help a little . i don't really have any friends that know the real me . this is the place where i am the real me .

Anyway sorry this was kind of a long rant .
Im hurting inside

[MtnTime2896]

I'm here for you. Keep talking, I'll hear you.

And, yeah, being "alone in a sea of people" is a regular feeling for me. I'm sorry you feel that, too.

[mote.of.soul]

Hang in there please, cryingontheinside. It's good to see you on here, again.

I don't think I'm the best conversationalist around, and probably a wishy-washy type of friend, too, but you can message me if you like, I don't mind.

Please keep your spirits up, try not to lose hope, and maybe the clouds will begin to disappear. Things do have a way of changing, given time.

(((cryingontheinside)))

[MickeyCheeky]

((((cryingontheinside)))) I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad.

[Sunflower123]

Sending big hugs and positive vibes. I’m sorry you are having a tough time.

[cryingontheinside]

Thanks everyone . I'm feeling even worse today .

The self hate is so deep
The shame for no reason
The void
The lonliness

I honestly don't know what to do
I'm afraid of what I'm becoming capable of doing to myself
I'm going to ring the samaritans

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Thanks everyone . I'm feeling even worse today .

The self hate is so deep
The shame for no reason
The void
The lonliness

I honestly don't know what to do
I'm afraid of what I'm becoming capable of doing to myself
I'm going to ring the samaritans

That’s good that you are reaching out. Please keep us posted.

[cryingontheinside]

They was weird on the phone . basically told me they don't like people who feel sorry for themselves

[mote.of.soul]

Hmmm, very sorry to hear that, cryingontheinside. Those people don't know their a.ss from their elbow.

Stay positive as best you can, do little things to keep yourself busy, and don't lose hope as well please. It'll be okay, believe me.

Don't you worry, we'll listen.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Hmmm, very sorry to hear that, cryingontheinside. Those people don't know their a.ss from their elbow.

Stay positive as best you can, do little things to keep yourself busy, and don't lose hope as well please. It'll be okay, believe me.

Don't you worry, we'll listen.

Thank you. I am feeling so much better today. There is so much of my life i need to improve on but today i bought some Christmas presents for my daughters and it feels great. I know i wont feel like this for long but for right now i feel pretty good and omg that guy i spoke to from samaritans i don't know who trained him lol i really can't believe the things he said to me . it was outrageous . some of them are good but there are some bad that shouldn't be doing it. How are you doing ? Thx again to you and everyone for posting

[mote.of.soul]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Thank you. I am feeling so much better today. There is so much of my life i need to improve on but today i bought some Christmas presents for my daughters and it feels great. I know i wont feel like this for long but for right now i feel pretty good and omg that guy i spoke to from samaritans i don't know who trained him lol i really can't believe the things he said to me . it was outrageous . some of them are good but there are some bad that shouldn't be doing it. How are you doing ? Thx again to you and everyone for posting

You're welcome.

Aw, that's so nice to hear, cryingontheinside. Yes, having a good day, for me, tends to give me hope that, hey, maybe I can have more of them - eventually. Very nice to hear (((cryingontheinside))). Yes, Xmas just around the corner again. Lucky daughters to have a mum like you!

I know, it's always hit & miss regarding what kind of person you get in the mental health field - or any field for that matter. Bunch of cowboys running around out there, let me tell you.

Me, just pluggin' away one day at a time, trying to keep myself busy. I struggle a lot, as we all do, but 2016 & 2017 were the real nightmares for me. But now, 2018, medication has helped and I just want to continue to grow and improve as well, and hopefully rejoin society soon. That's it in a nutshell. Thank you for asking, cryingontheinside.

Your post has made my night! Ha.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((cryingontheinside)))) I'm so happy that you're feeling better now. Keep it up! You're a wonderful mom.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

You're welcome.

Aw, that's so nice to hear, cryingontheinside. Yes, having a good day, for me, tends to give me hope that, hey, maybe I can have more of them - eventually. Very nice to hear (((cryingontheinside))). Yes, Xmas just around the corner again. Lucky daughters to have a mum like you!

I know, it's always hit & miss regarding what kind of person you get in the mental health field - or any field for that matter. Bunch of cowboys running around out there, let me tell you.

Me, just pluggin' away one day at a time, trying to keep myself busy. I struggle a lot, as we all do, but 2016 & 2017 were the real nightmares for me. But now, 2018, medication has helped and I just want to continue to grow and improve as well, and hopefully rejoin society soon. That's it in a nutshell. Thank you for asking, cryingontheinside.

Your post has made my night! Ha.

Your post too made my day . i hear you about the daily struggle . i am glad 1018 has been a bit better for you and i hope and pray that all of us here will have a better 2019 which is not too far away

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

((((cryingontheinside)))) I'm so happy that you're feeling better now. Keep it up! You're a wonderful mom.

Thank you so much . it makes me so happy whenever anyone says I'm a good mum. I'm far from perfect but i do try . how are you doing ?

[mote.of.soul]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Your post too made my day . i hear you about the daily struggle . i am glad 1018 has been a bit better for you and i hope and pray that all of us here will have a better 2019 which is not too far away

Me too. Thanks so much, cryingontheinside.

Yes, '2019' has a ring to it. It's a good sign for us all :-)

[Fuzzybear]

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Thank you. I am feeling so much better today. There is so much of my life i need to improve on but today i bought some Christmas presents for my daughters and it feels great. I know i wont feel like this for long but for right now i feel pretty good and omg that guy i spoke to from samaritans i don't know who trained him lol i really can't believe the things he said to me . it was outrageous . some of them are good but there are some bad that shouldn't be doing it. How are you doing ? Thx again to you and everyone for posting

Sometimes it helps just to do stuff - doesn't matter what. Keep breathing, stick around. You're not alone.