No way out

There's no way out for me anymore I've had enough of fighting by all my research sorry but it seems a lot never get really better and are still unhappy 20-30 years on.
I'm not doing that I thought a lot about every day.i live alone and for now I have a dog to keep alive.

I know all the things to do etc please no get out for a walk reality is nothing can change things and there is no good help in public system. I hate this illness and had enough

Hello Kiwi: From what you wrote, it sounds as though you are feeling almost completely defeated. I'm glad you at least have your dog. Pets can be such a comfort. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I typically provide new members with links to articles, from Psych Central's archives, that offer suggestions for dealing with whatever mental health issues are of concern to them. However it sounds as though that is likely not something you would want. So I won't go there. I would, however, like to just mention this other Psych Central sponsored website for persons with unrelenting depression & anxiety:

Project Hope & Beyond

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this for so long... I can definitely identify. Some days may be better than others, but the depression keeps returning to beat me down time after time. Despite researching and fighting, I'm afraid I'm still looking for answers myself. I hope you find some help and solutions here... People on this forum are a great source of support, no matter what.

Hi Kiwi, I have been dealing with depression for 50 years and treating it for 30 years. Sometimes I get so tired of dealing with this, or I think I too old to be dealing with this, or I should have figured this out by now or grown out of it or something. They call it chronic illness fatigue. No advice, but maybe someone who has an idea of what you are talking about.

Hang in there, Kiwi2222, please. Yes, I can relate to your situation of no improvement over the years. In fact for me, it got a bit darker along the way. That's not supposed to happen, bleh.

But you're not alone and perhaps this is all a spiritual test of sorts? In fact, I myself have come to see it that way. We're just one little drop in the eternity of the ocean of stars.

Hi Kiwi. Sounds like you are really struggling. I'm sorry to hear that I live with unipolar depression. It's been with me since childhood but I can honestly say that I am feeling some significant improvement as an adult. When I compare my current situation (I'm in my late 30s) to my teens, I am a LOT better...how I think, how I view myself, how I function day to day etc. I have also noticed continued improvement in my late 20s and early 30s. It's a slow and gradual change and I still have some dark days or eves but I definitely feel a lot better than in the past. I also have an increasing sense of hope for my future which was lacking for a very long time. I've changed my thinking about my depression and tried new strategies. I gave up on meds years ago because they didn't work.

You mentioned that people are still unhappy 20-30 years later...people are unhappy for all sorts of reasons...it may not be helpful to you to compare yourself to others or to make predictions about your future based on other people's trajectories. That said, I completely understand why you feel you hate the illness and sometimes feel like you've had enough. That's human. Of course you want to be happy. If you'd like to discuss further, feel free to PM me. I don't want to give unsolicited advice Peace and healing energy to you Kiwi; you deserve it.

Kiwi, I'd like to invite you to share what depression feels like to you on the following thread:

What does your depression feel like?

It's a safe place to share the turmoil of depressive states. I think it can be cathartic to explicitly describe our most troubling feelings. Just an idea for you.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Kiwi2222 Please don't give up. I know things seem pretty bad right now, but trust me when I say that they can still get better. Life is unpredictable after all. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You can do this! You're strong, I'm sure of that. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I can't go through explaining it sorry Hopefullylost.

And as to comparung others it's reality for a lot it never leaves until death. I just want to wipe my life from memory and move but that's not reality. Reality is I trapped in a few ways and have no options apart from a flawed mental health system. I know what I need and it's not out there and I can wipe my life although I've blocked fogotton a lot of it until my brain decides this makes you feel worse here think about this. Stuff this for life 5 years alone every Xmas etc birthday etc alone all the time with no absolutely no one who understands let alone truly asks how I am and really wants to know answer so they don't. See brave face for 5mins and leave stuff this life

Hey Kiwi2222,

Hang in there please. I know it's pretty generic but keep fighting and keep searching for ways to combat your psychological maladaptations. I firmly believe it's just the law of averages where it's only a matter of time [more time] before the mind comes around to being able to enjoy life again, to a greater degree, through sheer effort of will and persistence. And circumstances may very well change as a result.

No I thought that 5 years ago. Situation mind everything has just got worse on top of it. I'm trapped and can't fight let alone leave house unless have to for meds

I'm so sorry, Kiwi2222 Please don't give up. I know it's hard. We're here for you if you need to talk or to vent. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I've lost any point to fight as I have none absolutely none. My life died 5 years ago after already suffering since teenager. The 5 years I heard the same stuff keep fighting.

For what I don't feel any enjoyment or ever feel content I hate been alive now. I'm dead inside I don't feel anything for anyone the guy I was has gone. That's not me. And I have no one just money sent to keep alive for them well f them.
They are the selfish ones keeping me alive but not around can't help or afford private care. All so they don't have to go through it me getting the hell out well it's time I do what I want and best for me

15 years, with a few, in years and last 5 different ball game. Everyone says will pass 5 years on its the same and when you feel absolutely no happy been content another 2 - 20 years whatever I can't do

I've fought for 20+ years last 5 years it's not just my head it reality now everything is gone. I know no one will contact me 5 years has proven that. It's not just depression it's all aspects of life. And each day I wake wanting the day to be over. There no point existing and it won't affect a souls day to day life. And I'll be free once dog dies I die

Hello can't take been awake with my brain anymore.
Reality is I'm dead already as far a life goes. And hanging in there hoping we'll that's crap I've waited gone through last 5 years which showed last 20 suffering was a miserable walk in the park with some good moments but they are gone and will never return

The only thing I'd try now is months of inpatient private care but that's only happening if win lotto. And even them look at Anthony bourdain who I can no longer watch was my favourite travel show. Robin Williams Australian presenter cant remember name they had money could afford best help and they are gone

i feel the same as kiwi. The past is the future. IT never lifts, IT's never better. Must wear a phony disguise to fake life. Failing miserably. Too tired to function, to ashamed to live. Self-care is a memory.
IN Cognitive Hell.....OR is it Dementia??? Got to make a plan....

maydaymayday