Am I a fraud?

Thank you, mikimostar.
So, in that case, I’m happy that you, Oliver, can see the psychiatrist in a couple of days. You know that in these cases, when antidepressants are beginning to work, you get increase your energy and it can give you strength to do the best but also the worst.
Don’t be afraid to tell your doctor how exactly you are feeling. I mean, even the ideas I read in the trigger warning. It’s very important you communicate this to your doctor.
Why did you stop taking antidepressants? From your posts in this thread I deduce that you are just at the beginning to take these ones. Maybe a new one? Or did you stop them for a time?

I stopped them last summer because they weren't doing anything anymore, my psychiatrist agreed with it.

I started taking them again a month and half ago, but I am taking a standard dose of nortriptyline (a tricylic antidepressant) just since a week. Today I had to lower the dose, I am feeling too sick.

The down side of this medications is that it takes good 4 to 6 weeks to feel difference.
Many of them have side effects and if you miss one dosage you at begging you have to start all over again.. (been there done that)

But you are right, we are lucky to have many of them and hopefully something will work out..

I am feeling more focused.

I'm glad to hear that, OliverB! Take all the time you need. Just take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. I'm sure you'll get through this. It won't be easy. It will take time. But it can be done! I hope you're feeling a bit better. I hope things are going ok with your psychiatrist. I hope he/she will be able to help you. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else does. You're a wonderful person. You don't deserve to suffer like this. I hope things will go well with your psychiatrist. Please keep us updated on the situation. I'm so sorry. It must be very hard and tiring for you. It must be very draining and exhausting for you.
I'm so sorry. Please don't give up. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. I'm here for you fi you need to talk about it. You're a strong, wonderful person. Keep fighting. Just try to do your best. That's all you can do after all. Remember that you're stronger than you think. You've got this. Stay strong, OliverB. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

I missed the appointment.

I am going to stop taking zolpidem and reduce the tianeptine and nortriptyline dose.

What happened? Didn’t find strength to attend? Can you call him tomorrow?

I was too late.
He didn't say anything. I don't remember what the psych nurse said, I was too tired from anticholinergic side effects.

On weekends the day hospital is closed.

Anyway, I am tired of them. They can't do anything to help me, just make it worse.

How are you feeling today?
You don’t trust any psychiatrist now or this one in particular?

I think I am feeling physically better without taking meds.

I trust this one more than the average psychiatrist. I have had many bad experiences with them. I don't know what to do. I am in a very bad situation (I don't have a safe place to live in -two of my flatmates abuse drugs and are really aggressive people-, and financially I can't afford to pay for rent to live alone, and more issues I don't know how to solve and my social worker can't help either).

What a great thing! That doggie is being your fellow. Sure, he gives you back what you gives him. Adopted doggies as so grateful.

I’m happy that you trust this psychiatrist more than others. Keep on trying. Call him as soon as you can and tell him how you are feeling.
I have seen for these posts by you that you are taking lots of meds and I can guess how much side effects you are having to bear.

So sorry you feel this way OliverB. I believe that if you were actually a fraud, you would not feel sad and torn up about it...you'd just continue being disingenuous and fraudulent. Do you see what I mean? To me, you sound like a deeply sincere and honest person who is currently in great pain. That's not fraudulent; that's a genuine human struggle. I wish you peace.

Thank you.

I am going to try to talk with him on Monday.

Are you feeling better?

Your situation is complicated indeed. So many triggers and without help or support. I hope your doc will help you on Monday. One more thing, can they send you somewhere to check by your DNA what medications can help you?

I heard about it and they did this matching before in local children hospital but they stopped recently because of insurance companies did not want to pay

Recently I have noticed that my AD do not benefit me at all. I have to visit my doc about it and I am not excited about it...

Thank you. I am feeling better taking less AD.

Ehm, here they don't do DNA analysis for med metabolism unless you have cancer. It seems to be very expensive. I know I likely am a poor CYP2D6 metabolizer by experience with meds that are only metabolized by CYP2D6.

Most of times doctors are reclutant to give older antidepressant (tricyclic and MAOI) when the newer ones don't work and are more likely to add an antipsychotic or mood stabilizer. I got some beneficial effect form a low dose of a tricyclic one.

I am glad that you are feeling better. I know.. that is expensive .. not for us..