[stefano]

OK, enough skirmish. In the 3rd week depressive demons are coming close. I'm besieged by anguish, lurking in every fold of reality.

I don't like it: this was too near, I always was in depressive episode 15% of the year, now in 2007 it is well doubled. I'm worried.

I see everything in the perspective of my death. I feel as if everything is going to faint at any moment. I'm not "with both my feet in reality". I feel like floating, about to wake up from a nightmare, but the nightmare IS my life.
It feels like a nasty joke, one of those tha are not funny.
I can't value anything. Being good, gentle, generous, courageous is futile. Loving, caring, helping are irrelevant and unimportant.
I'm on a sinking ship... WHAT is important? Not even feeling good is worth. It just means to be able to suffer more blows, to have even more bitter disappointment when a new crisis will come.
Yet the pain is REAL.

So here I stay, waiting. Cursing the day when my parents met. Tomorrow I'm calling the pdoc. He may work out something from this situation.

Thank you for listening my rant. I feel that even simpathy and support are perfectly meaning less now, but I thank you anyway. Sorry for the bitterness.

[Twoinone]

Maybe you are back in the crap but with people from PC by your side this time to help you get back on your feet.

My hand is in yours.

Twoinone

[nowheretorun]

hey stefano... it sounds like you know what you need to be doing for yourself, but keep us posted... i like hearing from you...

here for you always stefano, you are so supportive to others here...take my hand, I'll pull you up, there's a net behind so you cant fall....

hugs, Jin xxxx

[Cyran0]

Stafano, I'm glad to hear your contacting your pdoc. That takes a lot of strength and self awareness.

I hope you feel better soon, my friend. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask.

Cyran0

[Doh2007]

Whatever you feel or say is ok. We still care.

stefano...i am so sorry to hear "where you are " right now....and i'm so glad that you are seeking help........i know that having followed you through a rough spot not too long ago that nothing anyone says is going to "help" but that you need the words anyway......try to remember that you got through this before and you have a very large safety net here at pc if you should lose your balance..love you friend

[Perna]

Sorry you're feeling so rotten stefano (or not feeling at all?). Hope your pdoc has some ideas that work.

[stefano]

Doctor is out of town until next week. But a few days don't make a difference. Psychopharmacology measures time in weeks, not days.

So I'm waiting. I know things may change, better or worse, within 24 hrs, as well as stay like this for weeks.

Support and encouragement may not feel good when no "good" is conceivable. But their absence would surely make things worse, so I am "happy" to belong here.

How strange: right before this episode I was feeling high, full of energy. I knew rationally that it was immotivated, but I felt great anyway. Now I know rationally that everything is OK, but I feel awful anyway. Incredible what LITTLE rationality means in our lives.

Well, let's see what is going to happen...

[Doh2007]

Here's a little present for you. I hope it helps.

[stefano]

Thank you for the kind thought

[kebsfroggy]

It is too bad you doctor is out of town until next week. As you pointed out the meds take time to really start working. This just delays your chances of meds helping soon.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( stefano ))))))))))))))))