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#1
Nov 30, 2007, 03:20 AM
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I am finding myself falling thru the cracks. I know I am sinking into a depression and it is getting harder to smile and pretend with Mogs and Mom and ppl. I keep telling myself to try harder and yet that seems so much work. Ugh, I don't know if i am making sense. I guess I am just reaching out and just need to survive until the new year. I hope mogs and everyone has enough patience to put up with me and my spastic moods until new years. Why does it not seem lighter as the years go by, as the time I have is not horrible anymore?Why can I not enjoy this season? How come my past marriage and all the mistakes have to keep with me...how long...forever???? I am so tired of it being in my face, having these thoughts in my head, thinking I should call myself all the names i am used to before someone i know calls me that...thinking i am inferior...thinking i am not a good person, that what happened to me i did to myself. Yet when asked how i am i say fine tired sore, never i feel like dying, i am beginning to sink, how far will i go this time?? I dread finding out. My meds are not helping anymore i think. And I hate the pity party. I tell mogs he should never have married me, i aint good enough, i want the feelings that i am, that maybe i am good enough, why cant i feel i am good for him, for other people, for myself? I'm sorry. I dont mean to bother anyone. I just need to...i dunno. Make it thru this month and next...god help me i cant help myself.
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"The night racks my bones, and the pain that gnaws me knows no rest," laments Job (The Holy Bible: New Revised Standard Version, Job 30:17). |
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#2
Nov 30, 2007, 07:33 AM
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Welcome to Psych Central! I'm sorry you are struggling, I think this time of year is very hard for many of us. I'm glad you are reaching out here, do you have a therapist to talk things through with? 
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 Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
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#3
Nov 30, 2007, 12:54 PM
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Mrs M. So much of what you posted is familiar to me but most of all the pretending. It's hard to be a great actor when you're not feeling your role. The process is exhausting.
For me the toughest part is pretending for my kids. But I'm confident that we'll all get through this season in hell. In the meantime, I'd recommend talking to your pdoc about your meds, seeing if you can up the frequency of your T visits (if you have one), and keeping your daily responsibilities as light as possible. It's hard I know. I know that these are things I need to be doing too and most of the time, I don't. But you are worth it, I'm sure your husband is happy he married you, and try to give yourself some slack. Be safe. Cyran0
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My blog: http://cyran0.psychcentral.net/ Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD (childhood physical/sexual abuse), history of drug abuse. Meds: Zoloft, Lorazapam, Coffee, Cigarettes "I may climb perhaps to no great heights, but I will climb alone." -Cyrano de Bergerac |
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#4
Nov 30, 2007, 08:04 PM
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no, no therapist or psych or anything like that. I havent had one in a couple of years... i just kinda encouraged my pcp to give me the antidepressants. now that moggles has the kaiser and i am in process of changing over and have asked new pcp for med change, but she will probably send me to psych. i dont know how i feel about that. i know after mogs fell asleep i cried for like 2 hours. thank you, melanie
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"The night racks my bones, and the pain that gnaws me knows no rest," laments Job (The Holy Bible: New Revised Standard Version, Job 30:17). |
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#5
Nov 30, 2007, 08:19 PM
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(((((melanie))))) i know exactly how you feel. my depression is horrible, too.
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#6
Nov 30, 2007, 08:30 PM
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 :  yeah, hard is a word that barely describes it. my hubby threatened me with hospital hold today. i dunno if it was just to give me reality check or what, but since i have never been in hospital for depression, i dont think it is even worth doing so i just told him i was fine. he was at work and we talk through messenger. i havent really been doing anything. I havent swept in 2 days or made the bed or cooked or done dishes or cleaned out fridge, the list can go on. ugghhh, i'm sorry. i shouldnt be posting things like this. thank you for your help and words of encouragement tho. i appreciate them more than anyone knows. ~ melanie
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"The night racks my bones, and the pain that gnaws me knows no rest," laments Job (The Holy Bible: New Revised Standard Version, Job 30:17). |
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#7
Dec 07, 2007, 01:11 AM
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I can totally identify with you. It's tempting to believe you can act normal, but you're probably only fooling yourself. (I found that out only after I started having problems at work)
Anyway, you deserve to be happy, so do yourself a favor and try to get a bit of help - Change Medications - Take a Vacation - Read a self help book (Preferably CBT based) - Cut back on sleep (sometimes it helps, shoot for 6 hrs) - Join a support group |
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#8
Dec 07, 2007, 07:18 PM
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You'd better see a psych. Antidepressants are tricky meds and require a lot of experience from the doc.
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