I give up

I've gone to people. I've told them what's happening. It doesn't matter. I'm still alone. I come here, and even if I do get a response, I feel so damn alone.

It was brought to my attention that we should only journal and seek a listening ear here. With my understanding, that seems to defeat what I'm attempting to do, what I'm wanting out of this. Therefore, speaking anymore is pretty much meaningless unless I find myself desiring one or both of those things. I shouldn't say that I don't desire those things. I suppose I'm greedy and desire more, though I am wrong to expect it. I can't even get more out of the medical community "dedicated" to helping the mentally ill. Yeah, so dedicated....

I've accepted that I'm a failed project. People have tried and I have failed them. Every person, every time. At the moment, my thoughts are dark in ways I can't express without showing just how ****ed up I am. I can't say this will be my last post, but I don't care or see the point in talking. It does nothing.

You know what's funny? I remember it's me who told you this forum should be only a journal or a support group. It's funny, my inner critic tells always tells me

- You lacked enough social contact as a kid. You'll never get what you want. Just give up.

And my behavior changed last few days ago because the surge to quit is stronger than ever. Else I would have never spread negativity.

You know what really sucks?

To have a curious and talented mind, which could almost be considered as brilliant, slowly destroyed because the people who were supposed to raise you did it the wrong way.

I mean, I had the passion, I had the ability, I had the grades, I had the support from teachers. Why years later must I not be able to follow my dreams? What? Because I almost hallucinated myself to death three years ago and I still think the government is spying on me?

What happened to a could be neurosurgeon? Why did others' idiocy had to affect him? Now what about the fact that it's him who needs psychosurgery to relieve anxiety?

If nothing else, I was born normal and with enough hard work I could achieve anything. Now I am just another nobody.

So, although I am not you and thus can never fully grok what you are going through, I believe you have described an existence where you are faced with a choice between living with your psychosis, hallucinations and all, or medicating yourself into a state that is unacceptable to you. I have read about a number of other people ffaced with this choice and I totally agree that it sucks.

I wish I had the answer, but of course I don’t.

In the meantime, even though it doesn’t change your underlying situation, if it helps at all to scream out your frustration and pain on the screen, please do

As I understand it, that’s what we’re here for

((((((HUGS))))).

((((((((((( Sò leigheas )))))))))

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Sò leigheas! You didn't disappoint or hurt ANYONE, my friend! Certainly not me and I hope you know that! Please don't be so hard on yourself! It's not your fault if you're going through all of this! Of course you'd feel better right way if you could just "snap out" of it like some peple may think, but of course we both know that's not possible. Please keep fighting, my friend. There's a good life ahead of you. There's at least a perfectly normal life that you can live just like everyone else does! There's nothing, I mean NOTHING that you're lacking that other people do have! You're just as IMPORTANT and you're just as WORTH IT as everyone else in this world is, ok, my friend? PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! It IS true! I PROMISE YOU THAT! YOU MATTER! Please keep writing here as much as you need to and want to. You know we ALWAYS appreciate hearing from you! We DO want to know how are you doing because WE CARE! Please don't EVER doubt that and let us know if there's anything, ANYTHING at all, that we can do to help you and support you! I promise you that we'll all try our best to help you in any way we can, even if you want us just to listen to what you have to say! Please NEVER give up hope, my friend! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! You deserve it! You deserve to get better and to feel good! You deserve to live an happy, fulfilling life just like everyone else does! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! We want you to get better and we're all rooting for you to WIN this battle! You're a WARRIOR and you WILL come out on top! I'm sure of that! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Sò leigheas, my dear, sweet friend

Honestly, atm - I feel as you. That said, I know there is a way to break through - I did it once. For a couple years. You can too. We both can. We just need to figure out what works for us. The doctors can't always tell us that. Other people can't always tell us that. It sincerely is up to us to do the work to figure it out and then take the neccessary steps. Of course - I am speaking of healthy ways of things that work for us. The things that used to work for me, no longer are - so now I need to find something else. The hard part is not losing hope while searching it out. It took me years last time. Maybe it will again. I don't know. What I do know, is if there is anyway of avoiding it - I won't give up the search .. and to do that, I must not give up life. It is my hope - my prayer - you will do the same. I care about you my friend. I have grown close to you over the years we have known one another. Even though we don't talk often because I was not always here - I think of you often. Never give up. I know you to be strong. Maybe you don't. Especially now when you feel so low .. but you are much stronger than you feel or no. You have such a beautiful soul - you care about so many people. Now is time to care about you too. We all care for you. You are our friend. ❤

So many people who treat us badly Só leigheas.

Much love to you