Feeling Suicidally Depressed

I am going downhill pretty fast. Major depression hit today and it's completely debilitating. I am in a marriage that may have been a big mistake. I cannot help but feel that this will end in me harming myself at some point instead of a divorce. I am not leaving him... not right now. I am feeling things out. But I have not been this low in years. But please don't tell me to call a hotline, I know you may mean well, but it won't help me. I do not have a plan and I am not in any imminent danger. I am just talking out my feelings, and that is how I am feeling right now. I've been here before and have survived... a few times. I blame mainly myself. I feel so very low and so very alone.

Eve I’m not extremely well acquainted with your situation but enough to be aware that you undertook this marriage with more than a little ambivalence. I remember it upset you when a friend of yours said they hoped it “worked out”. Obviously the whole situation was anything but clearcut to begin with.

With those things sometimes you almost have to weigh one side against the other. What do you get out of the relationship? What makes it difficult? And perhaps, you don’t have to say it here, but what has hapened recently to push you over the edge into this anguished state? Is it something that’s part of a pattern perhaps? Likely to recur?

My best wishes and hugs. 🌹

I won't tell you to do anything you don't already know. But I can tell you my experience, which you may not know, and it will be helpful for me.

I have been hospitalized more times than I can count, some due to feeling suicidal, some due to voices telling me to kill myself. I have tried many things, and nothing has really helped up to my standard. Notice I said "my standard". I want to be that idealistic happy but is that even possible?! Is this just my normal? Then again what is normal?! These are questions that can't be answered, because they are different across all cultures and races and sexes and religion and disability and anything else you can think of.

This is all to say. Be you! Be how you see yourself. But go for progress not perfection.

I know it's hard now, but I sure hope it gets better for all of us.

But that is how puzzclar sees it. I mean no harm, or distress. And this perspective is from a majority group person, with some oppression too.

Thank you so much, Mopey.

I really like that you asked questions that I don't need to answer here. They are very good questions.

I will think on them. A lot has happened lately that has pushed me over the edge.

Thank you so much, Puzzclar.

This isn't me. I am not normally depressed. I am normally pretty happy. So this is an anomaly for me. For three months before the wedding, everything was blissful. Before that, we had had a fight about once per month. Then they stopped. Then just before the wedding, the fighting happened again. Then more fighting during and after the wedding. We haven't fought in about two weeks. It's more than that, but it all kind of caught up to me I suppose... hence the depression.

I'M SO SORRY YOU'RE HURTING SO MUCH, GOLDEN_EVE!!!!! I understand things must be REALLY HARD for you right now, but PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! Remember that ALL OF THIS is temporary and that you will feel better at some point! I PROMISE YOU THAT! Just remember to take GREAT care of yourself! THIS WILL PASS! We're ALL here for you to support you if you need it or even simply to listen to you! I won't tell you what you need to do because I'm sure you know that already! Just stay stafe, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please remember to take GREAT care of yourself like I'm sure you're already doing! YOU'RE A STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! I hope things will get better soon for you! Please keep us updated AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN if you can and want to of course! Sending many AWESOME, kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, GOLDEN_EVE, JUST LIKE YOU ARE!!!!!

((((((( golden eve )))))))

Eve, you are one of my favorite people on PC. Honey, we cant make much of a contribution on this without knowing what the triggers have been here. What happened?

@MickeyCheeky, thank you soooo much!!!! @Fuzzybear, thank you so much as well!!!

@luvyrself, thank you too!!!! I'm afraid I don't want to divulge details of what's happening in my marriage right now. I don't want to hear any negative input that will influence me. Meaning, I know people will most likely tell me to leave him. But I need to work this out for myself, & suffice it to say, I've been questioning whether it will last.... and we JUST got married only a few weeks ago! We've been having many problems, some of which I knew and saw, some of which I am only seeing now. The thought of having to end this sooner than later made me beyond depressed and suicidal feeling.

The good news is: the massive depression I felt has mainly passed, and now I am just coping. but still, I am very depressed about this.