[userme]

Note: English isn't my first language.

I've never self-diagnosed myself as someone with depression. In fact, I know nothing about the types of mental illness, nor clinical terms you would use. I do not present myself in public as one, and I don't self-harm.

One thing I do know is, I've been feeling depressed or I guess, awfully sad since 13 y/o. It was the most draining phase, as I faintly remember sleeping on the couch, crying myself to sleep almost every night.

I don't know how it started. Though I have hazy collections of bad memories from pasts, which I believe stayed with me possibly because it was too shocking.

My lows come from self-hatred. From the usual, I'm not good enough compared to others... to, God must really hate me because I attract all the bad men.

With the latter, I'm not kidding. From having necklace snatched around 11... to being ridiculed in front of class and belittled in public... to getting approached by men of different age/race who showed all kinds of red flags.

Over the years, it has caused serious trust issues. At some point, it had also made me hate all men. There are times where I hate people in general.

That lead to why I often find myself questioning my religion, even God himself. And a devout believer should never question God. You'd be brushed off, or worse, scoffed at.

You see, my parents aren't abusive. They'd never hit me as long as I behave. I grow up in a religious family/society. I've been taught from very young, to pray etc. When I was little, I simply followed their words, and be the good girl I should, but as mentioned, this didn't last.

Downside of living in a religious family/society, they don't take your problems seriously. Since everything can be solve by praying to God. Meanwhile, religion and God himself are part of the reason I'm cynical. It has been difficult to find someone to talk, without ending up being told the same thing over and over, that is to pray it away.

Thus, teenage years were spent struggling to keep up with my siblings, and a lot of self-loathe. Despite hating my parents for not giving me the help I need early on, there's also guilt for the way I am, as I'm a taint in the family tree. Wish they'd never had me.

Fortunately, as I grow older, I've developed a rational side of my mind that keeps me sane and gets me going. Others may see it as me being in denial or lying to myself, but I believe it's an essential "voice of reason". Or maybe I'm slowly becoming crazy.

I'm sick of crying, but discouraging thoughts drown me at such random moments. These days, I'd find myself staring out mindlessly and tearing up for no reason. Whenever it happens, all I could do is laugh at myself.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing all this mess anymore. Maybe I'm still hoping for some sort of miracle. Magic words that could make it all better.

[malika138]

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. I understand, as do others on this site, how we can start with depression at a young age yet have not major trauma to tie it to. It sounds like maybe it would be useful for you to talk to someone. Do you have access to a counselor or therapist? This forum is very supportive. Also check out the psychotherapy forum here on psychcentral. There have been recent posts on finding a therapist and on other options such as Better Help.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting SO MUCH, @userme You don't have to have been abused to get depression. Sometimes it just happens. That doesn't make it any less valid. You are struggling and that's what matters and what it needs to be focused on. Not to mention that from what you wrote it seems like your life has not been easy AT ALL. I'm so sorry about that I agree with malika about seeing a therapist if you can. I'm also REALLY sorry that your parents are not listening to you. It seems like you've been neglected throughout the years. Unconditional Love is REALLY important in our development so it's not a surprise that you'd feel bad about that Please hang in there. You deserve to be loved and cared for just like everyone else does.Are you an adult? Is it possible for you to go away from your parents? Either way, you're in my thoughts and prayers. Please hang in there. Things CAN and WILL get better. We ALL do care about you. THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, userme, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you!