[anna342]

I'm starting to feel like I can't face anyone. The one person in real life I can talk to, i can't anymore, i end up so low that i cannot meet with him anymore. Last week i went out with him and lasted all of 15 minutes before I started crying. I cannot face up to talking about how I feel because I don't feel strong enough. But this is only professional left for me. I don't fit in a category and so treatment is not clear. i have many diagnoses but for some reason i dont fit or something. I don't care about this, but it has meant i'm never seem to be in the right service for treatment.

I feel like i'm attention seeking, which i am, but because i scare myself. I want someone to make everything ok. I know this wont happen though, its up to me to change withother's help. I cannot stop the thoughts, the images in my head and the feelings that seem to choose me, i don't choose them.

I wish the days away, hoping that one day things will change. I know I have to do it myself, and I can't wait for everyone else to solve my problems. So it's my choice, and i'm yet to decide. I've had so many people try to help, yet it fails, because I don't have the strength, I am weak and ashamed.

[nowheretorun]

hang in there anna... none of us know whats to come... just have faith in yourself and your goals, keep trying, you'll find strength again..

[Perna]

Make a list of 5 simple things you want to change that you can work on changing. Wanting someone else to do something, as you've said, can't help you. Don't worry about stopping the feelings, work on working with things the way they are.

My husband laughed the first time I was upset and crying because I just kept on talking, kept on trying to explain and tears were streaming down my cheeks the whole time. His ex-wife is a woman who shuts down when she cries, can only cry when she cries. Can you work on talking out loud when you're crying, still saying how you feel, getting angry at feeling that way, etc.? Practice it by yourself for awhile. I think some of the crying is getting in your way, helping you shield yourself! Just let it be; don't worry about it being there, don't help it or hinder it or even think about it at all; just keep concentrating on whatever it is you are thinking/saying/feeling when you start to cry. That will take away its negative uses for you but won't hurt your situation.

How could you become less scary to yourself so you didn't have to "seek attention" (I use to call suicide hotlines when I was at a loss of what to do because I didn't have the words to explain myself and get help any other way). You are beginning to get a little self knowledge; sit and write down/figure out as much as you can about yourself, like me knowing I was not "attention seeking" in a negative way but actually helping myself to get the attention I very much need the only way I know how -- when I understood that I felt better about myself and better able to at least say that to helpers so they would understand me a bit better too. There are a lot of helpful "clues" about yourself in your post above and they're all positive things, "real" things that you are doing, through your symptoms you have chosen, that tell you about yourself and that you can use to get a handhold on your life and start climbing the ladder up to where you want to be.

Make a list of your wishes and then another list of 1 tiny thing about each wish you could do to help yourself or 1 thing the wish itself tells you about yourself. Just doing a few "exercises" of this sort can help you feel stronger and more in control!

Keep posting here, keep trying to understand. That's all any of us can do for ourselves and to help others.

[anna342]

thank you for your messages. I am trying to understand your words, but my mind won't let me much right now.

I s/h for the first time in 3months today. I cannot seem to just rest from the thoughts. They won't let me. I am trying to change, but i've hit a brick wall.

[turquoisesea]

the fact that you're posting here... is a form of strength in and of itself. To admit you have a problem and to try to face it... I look up to you for it.

No one can see the future... don't try to
just keep trying
I hope you can find peace and enjoyment in life