done

I will not take any more psych meds. They have never helped, except for benzos from when I last saw a pdoc in early 2017 or so. They have hurt me in so many ways. At least 30 different meds over 21 years.


Melatonin is over the counter and my regular doctor knows I take it.

I live in a state where recreational weed is legal so there are tons of shops with everything imaginable. CDB is extremely expensive so I only use it when I am about 2 seconds from hurting myself, but there is no way the VA would pay for it.

I don't drink but I should probably start drinking every night until I pass out. I am old and serve no purpose so what harm would it cause?

Did you sleep better last night?

I have heard that in states where it is legal recreationally, people are using more but can't afford the legal stuff--the black market is strong. Is it legal to grow a small amount in your state (without a precription)? That might give you something to do. I once ran into someone who told me he dropped all his psych drugs and just smokes weed. He swore that helped him more than all the pills he was on.

I went back out to do my errands yesterday (one was Walmart). After I parked my cart, I was bringing the 18 eggs (had loaded everything else) to the truck. Someone honked, I am still so jumpy that I threw the eggs in the air and they landed with a splat. I am the type of person who attracts concerned people (damsel in distress is not an act--it comes naturally). Two men walked up and said, "You can take those eggs back, I am sure they will exchange them for you." The lady who honked, drove up with a concerned look and said, "Sorry, I tried to honk softly". I said, "I know, it's OK, I am just a little high strung." I did not take those eggs back--I got in the car and headed home. I was in no condition to be driving or even carrying eggs yesterday. But I did it anyway. I drive like Mrs. Magoo.

I took twice as much CDB as I normally do and slept about 7 hours straight, just normal weird dreams. It is about 10mg. The bottle is 100mg and a bit over $20.


It is funny, I was going to also take a benzo but was worried what that might do. Dying is okay but being found by my daughter or granddaughter is not.

I would have to get a medical use card to be able to grow it and VA doctors can not sign those cards. I am pretty bad at growing things. Maybe I could find an outside doctor to sign it. Weed shops are required to have part of their inventory for medical use which means it has to pass pharmaceutical purity tests and it is taxed much lower so is supposed to be cheaper.

I am sorry you were so jumpy. I get like that but only in my house. my daughter makes me jump almost daily. I am sure that is one of many reasons why she thinks I am pathetic.

You're not pathetic nor worthless AT ALL, qwerty!! I am glad that you were able to sleep at least! TunedOut has given you some good advice so hopefully that will help a little bit! I am glad she's here to support you as well! I am also REALLY HAPPY that you were able to stop yourself before committing anything dangerous! I am REALLY HAPPY that you're here with us! Keep fighting and keep rocking! Please keep us posted. I am glad that you have ths thread at least and I hope that it helps a little bit with your feelings. Writing down how we REALLY feel can be REALLY helpful so I am glad that you're giving it a try and that you are writing down how you REALLY feel here! I am quite a jumpy person myself so I understand where you're BOTH coming from! We should make a Jumpy People Support Group! Please stay safe, qwerty! You deserve to Live! You are important, you matter, you're worth it, you're wise and YOU'RE WONDERFUL! That's ALL absolutely and undeniably true and you KNOW that's absolutely and undeniably true as well even if it's deep down inside you! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT! Trust me! I hope your days will get better soon! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! Feel free to write to me ANYTIME when you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to or vent to, my dear, sweet friend! I am SURE EVERYONE HERE will be REALLY HAPPY to help you out! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, qwerty, and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I am REALLY HAPPY that you're here with us, qwerty, I REALLY AM! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY, though, and that you're going through ALL OF THIS! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING, MY AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, CARING, DEAR, KIND, SWEET, GENEROUS, RESOURCEFUL, EXPANSIVE, FRIENDLY, WISE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND!!