[whimsicalman]

I'm in the middle of the last week of rehearsals for a play I am in, and I am really struggling. I still don't know my lines and blocking (i.e. stage movement). It isn't from lack of trying. I just can't seem to retain the information. One day I have it, then I get on stage and it falls apart. I have been in stage roles in the past, so this is not a new experience (but it is with this particular community theatre). This just makes me feel like a total failure and letdown to all the other people who depend on me to have this stuff down, as it directly affects them when they are on stage with me. When I talk myself out of feeling down on myself, then stuff on stage falls apart on me, and triggers me again. This doesn't help with learning my material, though it may contribute to my forgetfulness. But my depression can't be an excuse because the "show must go on." I am at a total loss. I don't know why I am having all this trouble, so I don't know how to address it. And this late in the game, it's not like I have time to consult with clinicians to help me figure it out before I have to have all this down - which is last week. Every so often I can channel my anger towards myself to help me in very brief moments, but that gives way to hopelessness and those failure/depressed feelings and thoughts. And I know I can't expect any specific help from anyone on here. It was just that I needed to let it out, not that I feel any better. I'm at work, sitting in my cubicle, feeling like I could cry at any moment (yet, simultaneously feeling as if my body can't actually do it, so it is just this darkness siting inside me wanting to come out but can't.) I hate this. And I feel sick to my stomach, as well.

[Yzen]

I've never been in a play, but I have had to speak in front of an audience a number of times and can tell you what has helped me. I tell myself that I will just have fun with it and not worry about the outcome. When I take away the seriousness of it, it makes it easier for me and even mistakes don't trigger as much. It is the worry of the "importance" of the outcome that throws me off. Focus on making it interesting to the audience even if you don't get a line right.

I hope it all turns out good for you.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for how to overcome what you are experiencing... just a sincere wish that you will be able to find your way through it.

[LilyMop]

Have you been getting enough sleep? Maybe you are really tired?

[whimsicalman]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for how to overcome what you are experiencing... just a sincere wish that you will be able to find your way through it.

Thank you!

[whimsicalman]

Originally Posted by Yzen

I've never been in a play, but I have had to speak in front of an audience a number of times and can tell you what has helped me. I tell myself that I will just have fun with it and not worry about the outcome. When I take away the seriousness of it, it makes it easier for me and even mistakes don't trigger as much. It is the worry of the "importance" of the outcome that throws me off. Focus on making it interesting to the audience even if you don't get a line right.

I hope it all turns out good for you.

Thank you for your thoughts. It is interesting that our director said something along those lines the same day you made your comment. I am trying to remind myself how much fun my involvment in performance is. Sometimes I can convince myself of it (like last night). Then the memory issue comes up again, and I have to really force myself to not just drop into the anger and frustration.

[whimsicalman]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

Have you been getting enough sleep? Maybe you are really tired?

In all honesty, I have not been getting much sleep. But I also don't try to force myself past whatever minimums I can get. If I only have six hours available to sleep after work and rehearsals, I don't try to stay up and study my script more. My body just can't do that, and I listen to it. But I also can't not go to work or rehearsals for extended periods either, so I am just working with what I have.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting SO MUCH and that you're going through ALL of this, @whimsicalman! I understand why it'd be difficult for you. I am so sorry that I don't have more useful advice for you. I Hope and Pray that you'll be able to win against your Anxiety and "Stage Fright" since that's what it seems you're struggling with the most. I'll keep you in my Thoughts and Prayers if that is ok with you. I hope it helps! Also, please definitely try to get as much sleep as you need! You are important,y ou matter, you're worth it, you're wise and YOU'RE WONDERFUL! That's ABSOLUTELY TRUE and YOU KNOW THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE AS WELL even if it's deep down inside you! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT! In any case, you're NEVER alone in your struggles. Please feel fre to PM me ANYTIME if you need someone to talk to or vent to or even if you need advice and support OF ANY KIND! I'll try my best to get back at you AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL ALSO GLADLY, KINDLY, WISELY, GENEROUSLY AND WONDERFULLY HELP YOU OUT AS WELL IF YOU JUST ASK! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @whimsicalman, Your Family, your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING, MY AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, CARING, KIND, SWEET, GENEROUS, EXPANSIVE, FRIENDLY, WISE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND! I AM TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY THAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS AND THAT YOU'RE HURTING SO MUCH!

[sarahsweets]

Hey @whimsicalman

Originally Posted by whimsicalman

I'm in the middle of the last week of rehearsals for a play I am in, and I am really struggling. I still don't know my lines and blocking (i.e. stage movement). It isn't from lack of trying. I just can't seem to retain the information. One day I have it, then I get on stage and it falls apart. I have been in stage roles in the past, so this is not a new experience (but it is with this particular community theatre). This just makes me feel like a total failure and letdown to all the other people who depend on me to have this stuff down, as it directly affects them when they are on stage with me. When I talk myself out of feeling down on myself, then stuff on stage falls apart on me, and triggers me again. This doesn't help with learning my material, though it may contribute to my forgetfulness. But my depression can't be an excuse because the "show must go on." I am at a total loss. I don't know why I am having all this trouble, so I don't know how to address it. And this late in the game, it's not like I have time to consult with clinicians to help me figure it out before I have to have all this down - which is last week. Every so often I can channel my anger towards myself to help me in very brief moments, but that gives way to hopelessness and those failure/depressed feelings and thoughts. And I know I can't expect any specific help from anyone on here. It was just that I needed to let it out, not that I feel any better. I'm at work, sitting in my cubicle, feeling like I could cry at any moment (yet, simultaneously feeling as if my body can't actually do it, so it is just this darkness siting inside me wanting to come out but can't.) I hate this. And I feel sick to my stomach, as well.

I have a theater minor and have been in lots of plays and musicals. I havent been in any since college and even the rare times I have done karoke I seem to have developed stage fright which is probably due to not doing it for years. My daughter is following in my foot steps. But she has anxiety disorder. Her doctor prescribed her propanolol which she takes a half hour before performing and it really helps.

[whimsicalman]

Thank you all for your supportive words and hugs. I made it through opening weekend. I have to furiously review/cram lines before every show, so that hasn't changed; but I feel less horrible aboout it. I can't change whatever is going on with my memory, but I am really trying to remind myself to have fun with it, even when the emotions don't support that. Just another nine or ten shows more to go before we close.

[Fuzzybear]

thinking of you