[hamstergirl]

and I've decided I'm going to spend the majority of the rest of my life in bed. Since I'm so scared to be anywhere else and since it hurts to sit up, that's where I'll be staying, sound asleep.

Besides my chances of running into a certain pervert up there are reduced to zero. I confront him tomorrow, not looking forward for it. At which point I go back into hiding.

I can't win. I'm abnormal. I'll always be that way and I can't change it. I shouldn't have tried and raised a bunch of hopes up, including my own.

I've weighed Doug down with my last depressing e-mail. He'll just be getting jokes and psalms after this. He thinks I want to stay like this ( I don't), but I don't know how to beat this thing. It's been entrenched too long.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[(JD)]

hey ((((GIRL))))) ok. once in a while we need to stay in bed for a while. (well I do, and telling you it's ok makes me feel like it's ok for me too.)

But not forever.

You know? If Fr says the guy's such a pervert that you should call the police, land of lakes girl, do it! That isn't about you, that's about him. Let him deal with it and let the police deal with it.

Wow, have I ever used the I can't win phrase! And at times, I feel that way I think for a few years I said that so much... but my T has moved me away from it but you aren't in the mood to hear the reasoning

and I can't think of them all anyway.

You (your body has) have been through quite a bit lately moreso than usual and that is quite taxing... and you probably DO need extra rest for a while.

Go back to sleep.

[hamstergirl]

Yes sir/ma'am.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[hamstergirl]

All right, I said I was going to bed. I made the mistake of dropping by Creative Corner and checking on one of my old unfinished stories. I started thinking about it, started working on it and before you know it, morning rolled around.

Dippy called with an offer of a sleep in day. I took it. (This is where she doesn't come in, allowing me to sleep for a few extra hours) But do you think I'll be able to sleep, even with the temptation of pain relief in bed?

No! I can't stop thinking about you know who and what's going to happen to me when he finds out I don't want a sexual relationship with him. I'm toast. I don't have proof of that, but I'm toast. I've been up all night. I've been worrying about this for days. Staying up all night and worrying about it into exhaustion. Wasn't to church yesterday, not sure I'm going today, which is unusual for me, because I've practically camped out at that church for months...in prayer.

I was going to run out to the river last night and stay there--to live. Smokey and Richard were my breaking points. I wrote to Doug with a whole list of reasons of why I was going and why I should come back home, with the reasons to come back home being notoriously short. Doug lovingly wrote back and reminded me he was coming on the 9th and he wanted " a nice lunch, a nice walk and a nice chat" and he said "not to let him down."

I feel like I'm letting him down just by suffering like this, even if it's not true I'm letting him down. I envy other people for whom happiness comes so easily. Suffering comes easily to me. It's not true for most people with disabilities. But it's true for me.

If I could sleep, perhaps I could get a few blessed hours of half relief. But it wouldn't be real, since I wouldn't be awake to enjoy it.

The only way for me to get any sleep is for Father Lindsay to come over and knock me out with a mallet and for Doug to catch me and then for the two of them to stand guard over me to make sure I got the needed rest. They would have to knock me out each time I woke up or tried to get up, for several days, after letting out the air in the tires on my chair and unplugging my computer so I couldn't type.

I have to go to bed to charge my chair now/

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[gloria]

My thoughts are with you.

gab